Depression

I was sitting at my computer happily typing away at a blog post when suddenly the window disappears, it closes as if it were never there. Last week instead of closing the window started opening new windows, one after another until there were hundreds of windows opened. I couldn’t close them fast enough. Sometimes computers suck.

Last week I was pretty depressed. I don’t think I suffer from it enough to seek medical help. I don’t feel like hurting myself or others, it doesn’t last for more than a couple of weeks. Just something I have had to deal with my entire life. I know in my head how to get out of the funk. I know that I have to make a list and start accomplishing things. Clean up my environment, eat healthy food, exercise, force myself to concentrate on the things I love and set aside the things that are causing me frustration, until I am in a mental place where I can handle those things. It all sounds so easy. But, it usually takes me a few days to struggle through all the murky feelings and start to fight for a lighter mental state.

There I was deep in the murk. No shower, sink full of dirty dishes, toys scattered around the dog hair covered carpet, when the mother of one of Lily’s friend’s calls and asks to come over and play at the playground near our home. We arrange a time, several hours later, and I begin to clean-clean-clean. I spent four consecutive hours cleaning my house, it finally looked normal. This is when she calls back to cancel the playdate. An hour later Lily came down with a fever.

Somehow cleaning the house, the furry of activity caused me to snap out of it, cleaning house, scrubbing my heart out, cleaning closets, re-organizing cupboards, is usually my depression ending method of choice. Perhaps I should NOT call it depression in deference to people who have actual depression. I don’t really have another word in my arsenal to describe it so I apologize. I was grateful that the fog had lifted and I was able to handle Lily with a fresh clear head.

I don’t have access to any fever reducing medication that does not contain corn. Truthfully, I haven’t done any research or tried very hard to find any, other than checking the shelves of the local stores and reading labels. It is all so overwhelming and she doesn’t get a fever very often. I tried to reduce her fever with a cool bath and sitting in her underwear. She wouldn’t eat or drink or move for that matter. I was able to keep her fever under 100 degrees so I thought it was best not to use the evil corn syrup containing Motrin or Tylenol. At bedtime I revised my opinion and gave her the Motrin. I worry that her fever would spike over night and I thought that danger outweighed the corn danger. The fever continued into the next day and resolved itself by evening. In total she had the fever for 24 hours. I have her some more Motrin at bedtime, just in case. The next day she was feeling much better, still a little sickly in the eyes, but eating, drinking, talking, and playing. She told me her mouth hurt so I looked at her mouth and throat with the flashlight and discovered her tonsils were red swollen and covered in white dots. I called the doctor and we got her in for a throat culture. We do haven’t gotten he results yet, Jeff checked the computer (he works at the hospital) and they hadn’t run the test yet, so we will see if it is strep. I think it probably is not because she is getting better, but one never knows.

I originally started this blog to get out of a depression that was lasting way too long. I thought that forcing myself to sit down and type something positive about my life would help retrain my brain to focus on the good instead of the mind numbing bad of being a stay at home mom. I also started school for this reason and sometimes it helps. I think that the upcoming move, all the anxiety and unknown is weighing on me and I have to redouble my efforts to keep my mind out of the murk. I keep feeling myself sinking under.