Guilt

Mandy was born when I was 21, a very immature 21, single and working as a cashier. I got a lot of grief, but ultimately I decided to be the best mother I could be. For the first 9 and a ½ years of her life it was just the two of us. Us against the world. We did live with my parents for a little over a year when she was about 5. This gave me the opportunity to get on my feet, which was awesome. But, other than that Mandy and I were pretty isolated. Most of her life everyone told me we were too close. And then, I married Jeff.

We moved to Italy where he was stationed and that was that. It came about quickly. We didn’t take very many of our possessions with us. To recap when Mandy was almost 10 I took her out of her home, left behind most of her things, and moved to Italy with some guy she barely knew. It freaked her out a bit. But, the story gets better. About a year later Jeff and I decided we were ready to expand our family. And we got pregnant.

I was already worried about Mandy, she hadn’t recovered from being uprooted yet. Jeff and Mandy at that time could barley stand to be in the same room together. When I found out I was pregnant the first thing I did was tell Mandy. We went out and bought books about the babies development, you know the ones that say: today the eye lashes are growing. Then we bought the baby an outfit to wear home from the hospital. I wanted to make sure Mandy felt a part of the growing family. And then… I had a miscarriage. I felt horrid for involving Mandy. And that miscarriage was very hard on both me and Mandy. She fell apart and that made it worse for me, knowing I had hurt her so badly. I went on to have a couple more miscarriages before we got Little Miss Lily but those I did not share with Mandy.

Even being pregnant with Lily was difficult for me, I was so scared of loosing her that I didn’t want to allow myself to be happy about the pregnancy and consequently I was the most horrid person. Most days I didn’t even get out of bed, except to throw up. During the pregnancy we moved from Italy to Japan. What I am trying to say here is that the first few years of my marriage were difficult, both for me and for Mandy. Of course Jeff is amazing and we made it to a place where we are all close, Jeff adopted Mandy and those two get along great. For the longest time I felt very awful for doing all this to Mandy. I felt guilty for being happily married at her expense. All of the crap I put her through so I could be with Jeff. I told myself it was good for her, but I didn’t really completely believe that. I have always believed that parents should put their kids first, and being selfish made me feel so bad.

This last week has been very difficult for me. Mandy is working at the hospital for her summer job. She is working in labor and delivery where the babies are born. There was a baby who didn’t make it this week. Mandy told me about it. It brought back to me how badly I felt for putting her through the miscarriage after moving her away from everything she ever knew to Italy. The next day I made sure I was there to pick her up from work, in case she needed me. She didn’t. This whole week I have been on the verge of tears, worried about Mandy, remember our loss. But, Mandy is alright. This incident didn’t devastate her. I notice how different she is today than she was back then. Mandy is confident, outgoing, funny. She no longer clings to me, she actually barley acknowledges my existence most of the time.

Over these last few years I have learned that taking care of momma is taking care of Mandy. The fact that I am happy and we have a great home is important. So we had to go through so crap, everyone goes through crap. I made a lot of mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. I think that I have learned that either, kids will be who they are going to be no matter what we do – or it isn’t just one decision that makes or breaks the kids it is the sum of everything, everyday that makes the difference. I am going to have to pull myself together, it is almost the weekend.