Thursday, February 12, 2009

Life Sucks


I have tried to write this post a bunch of times but I always end up deleting it. Basically I am sick and can't seem to get well. I have had a bad cough for more than six weeks now. Doctor said it would eventually go away on its own. But, the coughing kept me up all night every night. Imagine not being able to sleep for six weeks. I also cough so bad I throw up in public etc. It is humiliating and extremely exhausting. Yesterday, I noticed white stuff growing in the back of my throat. I arranged for a neighbor to get Lily from the bus stop and went back to the doctor. I spent two hours waiting for them to tell me that my throat culture came back negative. I asked politely if I could please see the doctor. I tried to explain it all to him, finally I said, can you just look at my throat please. After one look he wrote me a prescription. By then I was really feeling bad, strep throat bad if you know what I mean. I still had to wait an hour for the pharmacy to fill my prescription and drive home, drive Mandy to work, drive back home, fix dinner, help Lily with homework, give Lily a bath...

During this time of sickness, Lily has had four ear infections since Thanksgiving. Her doctor is the antithesis of mine and gives her really strong antibiotics every time we go there. It gives her really bad diarrhea it is horrible. This time I asked if we could just wait and see. The doctor said that would be a great idea. So Lily will go back again next week to see if it has cleared up. The very next day Lily seemed to be better. Hope she doesn't get my step.

While I was dealing with all this sickness my biological father passed away. I don't really know him but it was still difficult for me. I have a lot of unresolved anger at my biological family. I feel a lot of guilt for not reaching out to my biological mother who is alone in the world and going through a difficult time. Have you ever had a really bad crying jag mixed with really bad cough? Lot of puking. Not fun.

My computer broke and I wasn't even able to buy a new one. I had Jeff do it even though he doesn't know the difference between a ram and a rom. He did a great job. My brain doesn't seem to be functioning. I have so much anger right now I hate pretty much everyone and everything. I am also trying very hard to manage all my volunteering but I am hating the others involved a lot. Not sure if this is deserved or do to my altered state of reality from lack of sleep and emotional overload. I am trying to just lay low until I feel myself again. This isn't sitting well with people who "depend" on me and all the volunteer work I do.

Life goes on.

Jeff told me the other day that I am really loved. He is right. I may have been a throw a way child but I've come a long way. I sat back and took stock and noticed how much my family loves me. I really am the center of my family and they all go out of their way to seek me out and be with me. I also have some really great friends here even in the short time I have been in Mississippi. And of course my dear blogging friends who I love and adore. And my far away friends who keep up with me even though I move away.

Basically I am big baby. I am feeling sorry for myself and not really fit for conversation lately. I am afraid I will accidentally let some of my hateful thoughts out and alienate the entire planet. I am pretty sure Jeff can barely stand me anymore. Lily and Mandy gave me about one day of being not myself and then they teamed up and took me down. Don't mess with the girls in this house is all I have to say. Hopefully the antibiotics will kick in soon and I will return to my normal lovely self. Hope you are all well.

8 comments:

Kathy said...

You've had a lot going on! I say you are entitled to feel sorry for yourself for awhile. I hope you are feeling better.

mamadaisy said...

aw honey, i'm so sorry to hear it. i totally understand. you are such a trooper -- i can't believe you're still volunteering with so much going on. take care of yourself.

meno said...

Oh you poor thing! It's just so hard to handle regular life when you are sick. Please try and take good care of yourself.

Kimberly said...

Thank you for sharing what is going on. I have been worried about you. You are loved even by those of us who have never met you. I hope you feel better. Give in to your feelings, in the end you will feel better. Take care of yourself first, that is the most important thing.

Lorelei said...

Sorry you are so sick, and sorry you're feeling down, and sorry so many sad/bad things are going on. It sounds like you've been through an awful lot in a short time. We've all just gotten off our strep throat meds in our house -- the dr put us all on drugs for it when both my boys got it. I hope you're feeling better and in better spirits soon.

patrice said...

I'm sending my warmth and care to you.
When I'm really down in the dumps, one of my mantra's is;
Love is everywhere.
I am loving and lovable.

Repeat many times.

xo

Princess Cat's Pajamas said...

(((((Marsha)))))

Take care, and I hope you feel better soon.

luckyzmom said...

Knowing you are loved and lovable is a good thing to focus on at difficult times like this.