Saturday, February 20, 2010

Day 56/190: Grumpy

I really intended to blog more regularly while Jeff was away. That hasn't been happening. I think the reason is that I find it terribly hard to find anything nice to say about anything. I find that I have had a personality transplant and I pretty much hate everyone and everything.

I have always been annoyed by complainers. You know those people who only have negative things to say about everything all the time. It is so tiresome. That is me. A few months ago a friend of mine told me that I always see the good in people and believe that their intentions are good. When someone is being a jerk and everyone is complaining about it I will stick up for the jerk and point out that they are going through a hard time and we should all be more patient. Drives my friends nuts. Well not anymore. Now I am driving them all nuts by complaining about how everyone sucks. Too funny.

I volunteer at the school way too much. I used to enjoy it. Not really enjoying it at all right now. But, I did make certain commitments and would not like to be one of those people who doesn't follow through. I am trying to put on a filter and keep my mouth shut while around others. Sometimes when I am talking I can see that look in some one's eyes, like whoa crazy woman. What is it they say, if you think everyone is wrong, it might be you. Whatever, you are all wrong all the time. Trust me!!!

I thought that this time with Jeff being away for six months would be hard because of the volume of work. But, actually it is not the extra work that is hard. In fact I think there is actually less work with him gone. Even though he does at least half the house work and care of the children when he is not at work it is still easier without him here, in regards to the amount of physical work I have to do in a day. Life without Jeff is like stepping into a black and white silent movie after living life in color with music and dancing. Jeff I think has a higher expectation of how we live our life than I do. He expects the house to be clean all the time and I don't. He thinks we should be company ready all the time. If he comes home from work and it isn't clean he will clean it, before he changes out of his uniform or says hello or anything. It is a little mean but I choose to think of it as him being helpful. I just started leaving him projects. Go ahead baby throw a fit by cleaning the house. Laundry is always ready to be folded just as he walks in the door.

But, the thing is that emotionally it has been really hard for me having him gone. I didn't think that would happen. I was a single mom for 9 years. It shouldn't be hard to have Jeff gone. I have money, a great home, friends, respect, a lovely car, no stress. I don't have to date or feel like I will be alone forever, I am loved. But, somehow over the last 9 years I got spoiled by Jeff. Even though he is a bit finicky about the house cleanliness he is so nice to live with. Jeff is my very best friend in the world. I love our conversations, I love his absolute joy about life. It is really hard to get out of bed and put on a smile without that. Boy am I spoiled or what. I had a man in my life who wakes up everyday and sees all the joy and possibly in the world and in our life. He is always excited about something and it is so hard to have that gone.

For the first month or so I had to make myself get out of bed. I would congratulate myself everyday that I got out of bed, took a shower, washed dishes, did my job, and took care of Lily. Seriously that was about all I did and once it was done I went back to bed, until I had to force myself up again. A few things happened in my world to make me realize that it isn't quite that bad and I need to get over myself. A little girl Lily's age in our town has inoperable brain cancer and it is devastating and the earthquake in Haiti both make me realize that I am a big baby. So I am trying to not just get out of bed and go through the motions but to live like like I love it. I am trying to find joy in everyday. To look at all the good and to stop hating everyone. You are all so annoying though.

I am trying but not really succeeding. I continue to try. I am also trying to keep all the hateful things I am thinking about everyone to myself. I don't really think it is always a good idea to say those things out loud. Anyways. That is all the boring stuff going on with me and in my head. It is hard having Jeff out of town for so long. But, it isn't the end of the world. Before we know it he will be home. We are trying to have a really great time while he is away. We are trying to do fun and exciting things so I have fun and exciting stories and pictures to send to Jeff. I actually think it is working for the girls. They are having a really great time. While they miss their dad they are also being terribly spoiled and well loved.

Lily has started playing t-ball. She is on an all girls softball t-ball team. The sponsor of her team is a local store called Party Girls and that is also the name of their team and their team color is pink! How cool is that? Her coach and asst coach are both really great guys. They have tons of experience and do all kinds of great drills and activities that keep the girls busy and they are having a blast. All the girls have really similar personalities and are having such a great time. Lily is fantastic of course. I have been practicing with her in the back yard for weeks. Which is funny because I am about the least athletic person alive. Today, a Saturday practice all the little girls where playing catch with their Dad's while we waited for practice to start, all except Lily who was playing catch with me. Oh well we had fun. The dads were all giving direction and I was giving unconditional encouragement. I guess that is a difference between moms and dads. Lily was giving me some pointers and direction because she didn't actually feel my throws were all that good. I guess it wouldn't be a good thing for me to shake her while playing catch. I was proud of myself that she actually is pretty good at throwing and hitting. I didn't do too badly getting her ready. She even knows where first base is etc.

Mandy is also doing well. She is loving life. College agrees with her. So does having a car. She is going to be in a play next week at school, she is taking a drama class. She is also turning 19 next week. Once college started and she discovered that she is good at it her entire personality changed. I think she has been a worrier for her entire life. Lately she is more relaxed and confident. She seems to understand that life is good and she is going to be OK. She was so worried about graduating and starting college. I couldn't be prouder of her. I know that this is all her doing. She has worked hard to be the great person she is. She has made all the right choices that keep her on a good path. I still feel such a sense of accomplishment that I facilitated her keeping on the right path and working hard.

Speaking of being a mother, I am really upset about the Kleenex commercials. I have decided to boycott Kleenex for the rest of my life. It could very well be that this is just a part of my personality change as a result of Jeff being deployed. Have you seen those commercials where the mom does something wrong and they kick her out of the car and get a new mom. FUCK YOU KLEENEX. At least 90% of all the stuff I do all day bothers my girls. But, you know what I am right and they are wrong, just look how good they have turned out. Lily wins awards for good behavior at school. This is the child who slapped me and ran in the street, who screamed all day everyday for years, she was such a hard little one. I stuck it out and she learned how to navigate life without fits. Even with her receptive language delay she is reading at nearly a 3rd grade level half way through 1st grade. But, if you asked her I am sure she would kick me out of the car in a heartbeat about 20 times everyday. I hate that commercial. See I told you that I am having issues.

I am going to try to blog more often. I really want to keep a record of this year and all the wonderful things going on with us. I will try to upload some pictures too. So how is everyone? I have been out of blogging for so long that most of my blogging friends aren't really blogging all that much anymore either. I miss all of you and wonder what is up. I hope you all write an update. Tell me all the things that are driving you crazy so I don't feel like such a heel for hating everyone on the planet.


luckyzmom said...

I forgive you for your bad behavior. You are going through a difficult time and we should all be understanding*)

Thanks for your honest open post.

patrice said...

I love this post. I like it all, the good the bad and the ugly! As for your depressed state, I think once you get the love and partnership you really want, going without it is like loosing some limbs. He completes you, and you like that. I'd kick and scream too.
Much, much warmth,

Kimberly said...

My oh my...tell it how it is girl! Your my kind of friend. By the way I am a Puffs with lotion girl myself. Never did like Kleenex.
I have one suggestion for you and if you don't like it, to damn bad. Go and do something for yourself every other day. Like take a walk, go to the gym, go to the library. Go do something by yourself and enjoy doing it. I think it will help your mood.

I also have a challenge for you. I need to get back into blogging too. So why don't we see who can get their blog written first for the day? The one who can't is the LOSER! Let me know if your game and I will start immediately because I am always up for a challenge and I will beat you! So there!
Love ya virtual friend!

Jennifer said...

You are entitled to feel however you want to feel. I am annoyed for you. And with you. But I'm glad you're going to write here more; having a virtual venting place always makes my life in the real world a little more pleasant and do-able.

Chin up, lady!