I have been working hard at changing my lifestyle. More exercise, eating healthy and learning to say no. It feel I have made improvements but I still have a long way to go. I am not striving for perfection just improvement. Yes I have improved but there is still room for more improvement. It is a journey. I do feel a lot better, I don't have any more pent up anger and resentment. Most days I am my normal happy self. I actually think that is the real accomplishment.
When I learned that Jeff was going to be deployed back in August I told myself that I needed to get myself ready by exercising and eating right. I knew that was the only way I was going to make it through this difficult time. I envisioned him coming home in July nearly a year after I first learned he was leaving to a new and improved Marsha. Fit and skinny. I thought I have nearly a year, if I get busy now I can really accomplish a lot. I thought this is a great thing for me to concentrate all my time and energy upon. But, that didn't happen. It took me until now to work through all the funk in my head, to bust out of my bad habits and start to make some changes.
I went to the gym 2 times the first week - then Lily got strep throat. I went to the gym 2 times the second week - then I got strep throat. I went to the gym 4 times the third week - yeah. I went to the gym 1 time this week - then I got sick again. Next week is spring break so I am not sure what will happen. Technically I can take Lily with me to the gym as they have child care available and all paid for, but that is way outside of my box. Not sure if I am going to be able to do that. I think I can, I think I can... Perhaps I will come up with an alternate plan.
Eating right is a hard one for me to. Since Jeff has been gone I am having a really hard time keeping up with cooking and cleaning. Dishes and laundry are killing me. Then add all the clutter, vacuuming, dusting, mopping, and bathrooms - yikes. Now I have to add the yard - whose idea was it to have such a big yard. Our yard is a major enormous pain. The leaves fall out of the trees in spring. Our grass is mostly weeds that grow up to my knees every week. In between the weeds is sand, leaves and branches. We had such a cold snap last winter I am afraid we might have lost our citrus trees and they need some pruning. Plus the flower beds are a major ugly mess. The gutters are full of leaves too. I feel like I could spend the next three months working on the house and yard all day everyday and still not be done. It is really freaking me out. So I get all worked up about all that and I end up buying a pizza for dinner or going to McDonald's. I really want to be on a low glycemic low animal fat diet. That is what I am aiming for but I am not there yet. I do have a family history of diabetes and heart disease and the military doctors refuse to test me for those things, I guess if you don't know you don't have it and they don't have to treat you is their theory. Anyways, I imagine I should be careful and now that I am over 40 and 100 lbs overweight I imagine I should get my diet in order now before it becomes do it or die. I would rather be able to cheat a little and ease into it than wait until it is life threatening. I am also considering paying out of pocket to got to a non-military doctor and get my self really checked. I also really want to shout to the world that I hate the military health care system it has been nothing but horrible to my family. I will think about that later after Jeff has come home and I am not holding onto my sanity by my finger nails.
I don't know why but food is such a big issue. I am a really good cook. I know how to make healthy delicious food. I buy all the ingredients with all the best of intentions and every week I throw away all that healthy delicious fresh fruits and veggies because we detoured to McDonald's and Pizza, etc. I think that the afternoons are my hardest part of the day. I am worn out and tired by then. Maybe I need to find a way to cook in the morning. Schedule cooking and dishes first thing in the morning and then just re-heat in the afternoons. When I think about it, it feels like it is all just too much. Like the yard and the housework it all feels like it is too much and I just avoid thinking about it.
Today is the three month anniversary of Jeff's departure. I feel like I have made some progress and learned a lot about myself. I have become stronger and more aware of my strength. My marriage has become stronger too. We talk everyday. I consciously realize that I love being married to Jeff and I appreciate what a great partner he is.