I have been having the hardest time getting Mandy (17) to clean her room. I don't think she has cleaned it properly since we moved in a year ago. She still has unpacked boxes in the middle of her room. I have bought her shelves and assembled them. I have grounded her from the computer and TV. Nothing seems to work. I have begged and pleaded, threatened and yelled. I am tempted to go in there with a garbage bag and be done with it.
Mandy is a good kid. She does well in school. She has a job. She is very busy and for the most part she is kind and respectful toward me and the rest of the family. She just refuses to comply in this one area. I think she is doing it because she can. To prove a point. The point being that I am not the boss of her anymore. I cannot tell you how much this is driving Jeff and I crazy. But, it is only a room and while I nag her endlessly and haven't let her use my computer in months, I haven't really pushed the issue. It is only a room.
I have noticed that a page has been turned in our relationship and that I am now more of an adviser than anything else. When she was younger she always listened. Now, it seems she only listens to me when it suits her. She seems to have the same morals as I do, so this is really not a source of conflict between us, except when it comes to cleaning her room. I look at her and think that I really don't have all that much control over her anymore. I am just glad we are not fighting about drugs or sex because I don't know that I would win an argument in those areas either.
I have always looked down on parents who say that they no longer control the situation. That their teens are making their own decisions. I thought the parents were being lazy. I didn't realize that teens have an enormously strong will. That as a parent you really cannot duck tape them and leave them in the closet. I guess this is why 18 year olds make the best soldiers. When they get something in their head they really don't think of consequences they just go forward and go forward, no matter what. Really and truly no matter what. It is an amazing thing to see. Speaking of solders, Mandy informs me that she wants to join the Air Force. Last night she also informed us she wants to date a 23 year old. Now I am looking back at last week, when all we disagreed about was her room, and I am thinking, what in the world was I so upset about.
Now my job isn't so much that of an enforcer, I think I have become a diplomat or a negotiator of sorts. It isn't so much about forbidding her to not do the things that I don't want her to do, but about convincing her that I am right.
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I Think I May Have A Screw Loose
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I saw my podiatrist yesterday. One part of my foot is still hurting (it's
been almost two months since the surgery). He thinks it may be one of the
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11 comments:
when i worried about my babies choking on pennies or falling off swings, my mother said: just wait. now it's easy to protect them. wait until they are 17 and leave the house in a car and fall in love with someone who is unkind to them. THAT'S the hard part. it's easy to protect them when they're little.
good luck, mama diplomat. it's hard work.
::choke:: omg, A 23 YEAR OLD?! ack!
as for the room. meh. just charge her a dollar for each dirty dish left in there and call it good. she's only doing it to make you mad.
mamadaisy: thanks
capello: Luckily there are no dirty dishes or dirty laundry. Just piles of clean laundry, papers, books, etc with a lot of dust and an unmade bed. Not really germy just cluttery. She says the 23 year old is a sweet guy she knows from work and it is just dinner maybe some bowling with friends, what is the big deal mom, don't you trust me.
It sure is fun being a grand father.
Right now I am so glad I have a 4 year old boy! I will be to old to deal with him when he is a teenager! YIKES!!
For the room, tell her she can go on one date with him if she cleans her room up to your expectation. Find out where he is taking her and show up. She will die, but hey my mom use to show up at the bars when we were teens living in Italy, to make sure we were not there, boy did we die when she did that! (I know what your thinking, you went to bars when you were a teen in Italy???Yikes!)
You know, it's not my kids I don't trust it's everyone else out there. 23 just seems awfully old for a 17 year old. I wouldn't want my son, who will soon be 23, to date someone that young.
hi dad, what no advice?
Kim, that is funny.
Katya, Jeff has decided that the boy is too old for Mandy and she cannot date him, or go out as friends, or get a ride home from him, or anything. Let the fireworks begin.
Convincing her that you are right?
ha ha ha ha ha
Good luck with that.
I just don't go into my daughter's room. I'll just go in there with a flame thrower when she goes off to college.
My sons' rooms were always a mess. I finally let go. A dirty or cluttered room is not worth making a big deal out of. Now, the older man--that could be a real issue. Also, I'm sure you will discover what techniques work in getting through to Mandy. With my younger son, I learned that ultimatums were useless whereas sly suggestions seemed to often take root.
I was a very well behaved teen and my husband was a nightmare. I know when my boys are teens, I will pay for his indiscretions. I knew someone who's son wouldn't clean his room, so he removed all of his pillows from his bed and filled the pillow cases with dirty laundry for him to sleep on. I thought it was harsh, but I guess it did the trick.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you wrote that you are not the boss of her anymore. I explained to Elle that if she has a mess in her room, it will act as a breeding ground for spiders...amazingly, her room was cleaned up right away. lol
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