MishMash

I think the decision to be a stay at home mother was a decision I made with my gut more than with my head. I have noticed over the last few years that in Misawa, Japan (the Americans living there) there are more women who choose to stay at home with the kids than there typically are in the US. I think that there are not really a lot of jobs available. Of those women who choose to be stay at home moms, some of us clean our own homes and some of us hire a Mama-San (cleaning woman). I have continuously noticed that the women who choose to hire a Mama-San are thin, with great hair, makeup, clothes... They look great, they appear happy, their kids appear happy, I am so jealous. No matter how I try I never seem able to "pull it all off". Something is always let to slip. Those of us who do not hire help and clean our own homes we all look pretty dumpy. Nice that it is not just me. I usually feel like I have not accomplished a single thing in an entire day, or week, or month. The hours drag on and I feel left behind and of little or no value.

I thought this trip would be so great. A chance to not have to do all that mundane work all day long. A chance to relax and re-group. A chance to think my own thoughts and do my own thing. A chance to ... The thing is that it is so different being away from my family. I guess it is a gut level thing or something. My job no longer seems hard, from far away. I guess I didn't realize how happy I am all the time. How much I laugh and smile and sing.

I have gotten the chance to watch as much tv as I want, watch the whole show without someone talking to me. I have gotten the chance to eat anything I want, as much as I want. I have gotten the chance to sleep as late as I want or to stay up as late as I want. It is all about me here. And it is no fun at all. While cooking, and cleaning, and shopping, and disciplining the girls is really no fun at all either it is much better than being on my own.

A co-worker many years ago, I remember that she was feeling a bit over whelmed and she went on a trip by herself, left her husband with the three kids. She came home from the trip and was so disconnected from her family she ended up moving out and leaving him and the three small children. After about a month she got over what ever was bugging her and missed her old life. I think that the damage had already been done by then, but I moved away so I am not really sure if they got back together or not. I don't feel like that at all, like I need more of a break. Like the other side is calling me, I feel like I chose the life I have and it is just right for me. Isn't that boring.

I really miss how it feels to have Lily say, "Good Morning, Mommy". Of course this is usually followed by a fit because of some thing that has frustrated her in some way, but that initial good morning is wonderful. And Mandy, she is always reading something philosophically interesting and just lights up when she tells me all about it. And Jeff who is just always so steady. How romantic a description. The girls and I are so all over the place emotional and Jeff is always happy and it is nice to be able to depend on that to be able to approach him at any time and be certain that the response will be easy and good. He is also a nut and ruggedly handsome. There is that a better description?

Sorry I am sure you are all sick of hearing me miss my family....

We have to clean our house before moving out. We have a big check list and the house is enormous. We have to clean all the appliances like new, washer, dryer, dishwasher, oven, stove, refrigerator... We have to clean all the windows and blinds. Plus the carpets, floors have to be waxed, bathroom tiles like new, cupboards wiped down inside and out. We have about a month to get it all done and most of our stuff is gone so while it will be a lot of work I am thinking we should go ahead and do it. What I mean to say is that I will end up doing it all. Jeff wants to hire a cleaning company to do it, which costs abut $500. I am thinking it would be better to spend that money on our new house. You know those people don't have to clean it as good as we are going to be cleaning our house, hell it is sold, what do they care. So anyways, what should I do, save the money and work my ass off or hire the help and have less stress during the move?

I am so not looking forward to the flight home tomorrow, I have more than 30 hours of travel time going in this direction due to the fact that my plane gets into Tokyo so late I will have to take trains up to Misawa, lost of planes, lots of trains.

I guess I should have used some bullets as this was a very disorganized mishmash of everything in my head. I guess I am not able to organize my thoughts so well without the steadying influence of the family.