What am I going to do when my XM radio subscription expires? I was inspired by a conversation on the radio yet again. This time the host mentioned that he does not believe that trust is the most important component in a good marriage. He feels that absolute trust is an invitation to be treated as a doormat. If I know you will always stay with me no matter what, why would I bother to be nice to you? I still think that trust is the most important component in a marriage, but what about you? Do you think absolute trust is an invitation to be treated as a doormat?

Perhaps my definition of trust is different than the guy on the radio. I feel that I trust my husband to be on my side and be my partner. I trust that he is going to take me and the kids and our mutual priorities into consideration in all his decision making. When he is spending money, or making commitements with his time, and of course with his romantic inclinations. To me trust is not just about sex or intimacy with another woman it is about a lot of life choices all made taking the family in consideration.

That sounds a little like I have my husband on a short leash. That is not what I meant. I have also trust that my husband is going to be his own advocate. If he is not happy or getting what he wants out of life, I trust that he is going to let me know. I think it is terribly important to work together in a marriage to find a balance where both people are happy, I have to be an advocate for me and he has to be an advocate for himself. If I know what it is my husband wants and I know what I want and the kids want etc I can more easily make decisions that put us on a path toward all of us being happy. If no one tells me they are not having their needs met then I don't take their needs into consideration while making decisions.

It turns out that Jeff and I have these long discussions that go on and on for years where we are trying to advocate our own point of view. But, in the end he ususally goes out of his way to make me happy and I go out of my way to make him happy. For instance... Our biggest hurddle so far has been about the division of labor in our marriage. Especially when we were both working and when Lily was very little and very hard. I felt like I couldn't handle it all, Jeff felt that as the primary bread winner he deserved to be taken care of at home and to be able to come home from a hard day and relax a bit. I felt he was taking the relaxing too far, he felt I was taking my need to relax too far. We would list our daily accomplishments to one another all the time. I have done, ABC.. well I have done DEF. You think I don't do anything... On and on it went. We finally came to a division of the labor that we both feel is equitable. Now when I find myself listing all I do, I stop myself and when I hear Jeff doing it I try to tell him how much I appreciate all he does. I still sometimes feel the resentment from before even though the issue has been settled and I am just remebering how I felt and those feeling sare not actually appropriate to the current situation. Do you ever do that? Have the same fight again even though it is no longer appropriate?

What in the world does all that have to do with trust? I have to remind myself sometimes that I trust that my husband has our best interest at heart even when he is napping and I am moppin g. I have to remember that the situation is now equitable and that I am just remember a time when I didn't feel that way. I guess if our issue had been about other women I would have to remind myself to trust him whenever we were around other women.

My point is that I trust my husband completely. I also feel like it is my job to make sure I am getting all I need from the marriage. Meaning that I have to make sure I communicate my needs to him. I also have to hear what he needs. I have to make sure that we come to a compromise of balancing everyone's needs. I don't always get my way. If I am not getting my way on something important I have to keep on advocating about that thing until I am satisfied. I trust that he is on my side and that together with enough discussion we can work through anything. Trust to me is black and white, I absolutely trust my husband. But, I don't think it is black and white that he is always going to act in the way that I would want him to, sometimes he drives me crazy. I don't think that I have been making any sense at all. I have been thinking of how to say it for over a week. Anyone out there have the words to express my thougtht?

What are your thought on trusting your spouse? Is unconditional trust important to you? Is it an invitation to be treated poorly?