Custody: Women Rule, men drool

The other day Jeff made a comment about the Britney Spears - Keven Federline custody battle, at the time he was under the impression that Britney had gotten custody of their kids. Now I think she lost custody? I don't really pay attention to these things but Jeff feels that men tend to get the short end of the stick in custody battles, and I agree. I however, think this is a good thing, he thinks this is wrong.

All things being equal, meaning both parents are stable honorable people, women tend to be the care givers, they tend to put the kid's before their own. Isn't that the most sexist comment I have ever made? In our family, I am the primary care giver. I gave up working, to care for the kids and Jeff. Before that I always put the family before my jobs. I would only apply for jobs that fit into my role as parent, meaning good hours, health insurance, and ability to call in sick for kids. Which meant crappy, low wages, no advancement opportunity, doing things I hated. I always put the kids before the job, and my promotions would be affected by that. If I had an important career changing project and a sick kid, I would stay home with the sick kid and get screamed at by the boss.

Jeff on the other hand puts his career first. He is ensuring that we are fed, clothed, and have a roof over our head. If someone is sick, if someone misses their daddy, well they need to suck it up because his primary mission is to ensure our survival, not to hold his children's hands. He is damn good at ensuring our survival. He is a great father, very loving, very hard working, he gives our family everything he has. But, he takes care of himself first, his job second, and his family third.

Which means I do pretty much all the caring. From my perspective raising kids involves a great deal of grunt work. I do the majority of the grunt work. That doesn't make me a better parent or more important, it just means that if we were to split up -I would be the obvious choice to continue to do that grunt work. That is what custody is, the person who does the cooking, the laundry, the bathing, teaches kids manners, enforces rules, keeps their home clean, helps with homework, takes them to dr appts, makes sure they brush their teeth, make sure they get enough fresh air and sunshine, make sure they are learning all the things they need to learn to eventually leave home, telling them no... It isn't a contest of who the kids love best, or who is morally superior. Women almost always end up doing the grunt work. This is why women get custody.

I remember reading about New York city going after dead beat dads, some of these dad owed many thousands of dollars in child support. One of the dads in question, said that he had lost his job and was currently working for a lower wage. That paying the child support would cause him to be homeless. He could no longer afford to pay both the child support and his rent. So he chose his rent. I don't think a mother would do that, I am pretty sure a mother would chose to be homeless before she would allow her kid to be homeless. Because let's face it if the dad doesn't pay the child support how is the mom supposed to pay for the roof over the kid's head?

On an airplane, when I am told to put the oxygen mask on myself before my kids, I know that there is no way, I could do that. I don't care how many times they tell me or how logical their argument, my kid is getting the oxygen first. I know that a man came up with that rule. I know that my husband would put on his mask first, he would want to be prepared to take care of the family so he takes care of himself first. My brain just doesn't work that way. Which makes us a good team. But, if we were separated, I think kids need someone who would always put them first, make sure that they survive, that is a biological instinct in a mother. I think a father's biological instinct is for his survival first.

Jeff says I am sexist. What do you think? Is our current system of prejudice toward women in custody cases a good thing or a bad thing? Should more care be taken by the courts to spread custody more evenly between mothers and fathers? Are women biologically predisposed to be better parents?