In the early 1980's my family moved from Mays Pond in Bothell, Washington to Elk Grove, California. It was mid January and on myu first day of school I remember walking around with a map trying to find my classes and having a group of kids point to my lazy eye and chase me around saying, look she is stoned, look at her eyes this girl is stoned. Fun.
Later that day I met Danel in my science class. We sat next to each other. She was nice. Turns out we had a lot in common, like both of us were taken from our bio moms at the age of five and both of us were placed in foster care. We were both the same height and weight too. We became best friends and remained so for over 20 years.
Taking Different Paths
In our early 20's both Danel and I found ourselves pregnant. She had been dating a boy for more than two years. They decided to keep the baby and get married.On the way to the chapel he changed his mind. She was three months preganant and chose to go to San Francisco to get an abortion. In those days San Francisco was the closest location that was willing to perform an abortion after 12 weeks. She had to actually go into labor and give birth to the dead baby. It was very hard on her and effected her for the rest of the time I knew her. After that she joined the Air Force and moved away. We kept in touch via letters and phone calls, this was before email. I didn't keep a journal but I wrote long letters to Danel telling her everything. She was my sounding board for every decision and I was hers. Even though we lived far apart we were incredible close.
I subsequently got pregnant and chose to keep the baby. This decision took me down a very different path than Danel. Like, I got fat and really poor. She remained slender and beautiful, she was able to continue on in her Air Force career, she dated really great guys-while I stayed home with a baby. I think in hind sight my tragic circumstances helped her to feel better about her decision. But, I was happy with the choices that I made, and she was happy with the choices she made.
Jeff
Over the years, we remained close, especially so after email, we emailed each other several times per day. One day she sent me an email, saying that she had this male friend and he was really nice and really great but just not her type. She knew that I hadn't dated anyone in more than five years and so she recommended that the two of us hook up. Of course he lived in Italy, where she was living, both of them being in the Air Force. So we took her advice and started an email conversation. One thing led to another and we got married and I moved to Italy. Which I thought was the greatest thing ever because not only did I marry Jeff, I was going to be living near Danel.
But, Danel refused to have any contact with me. She moved away and changed her email and we no longer have any contact. I would occasionally see her while we were both living in Italy, but she would be in a hurry and blow me off. I still miss her so much. I wonder if it is the fact that I got my happily ever after and she didn't. I wonder if the fact that I chose to keep the baby and eventually after 10 years the consequences of that chose started to subside? Or maybe I did something to make her mad? She never spoke to Jeff again either. It still makes me mad/sad/frustrated. I don't even know where she lives. I guess that is what she wants, but it sucks just the same. I was dumped by my best friend after 20 years.
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10 comments:
I am so sorry! Of course, you feel abandoned by her, and you are going through all the steps of grieving by feeling sad/mad and frustrated at the same time.
I just know that I can't figure another's actions out,only my own. All I can do is try and see the world through their eyes,instead of mine, and send loving energy their way.
And then let it go. I think you've done quite a bit of that by writing about it! Hang in there!
That really stinks...do you have any inkling at all, any idea of a connection for her totally bizarre behavior? Maybe she was in love with Jeff and he didn't want her and after you got married, she just couldn't deal with it? I'm so sorry you're going through this!
I completely understand how you feel. I have had a freindship where all of a sudden it was if I never existed in that persons life. Very sad. What made you think of that today? I think you should have Jeff look her up on Global and see if he can find her. Then contact her, perhaps it was exactly like you said and she was jealous, but perhaps it was something completely different. Such a good friendship that has been through so much is a hard thing to find. Let us know if you decide to find her.
Thanks, Marian for the good advice.
Sniz, everyone says that, I just don't know why she would introduce me to Jeff for us to hook up if she like him, he liked her and she turned him down. I am 99.9% sure she is not jealous of the fact that Jeff loves me. Plus, she is not the jealous type, she is the type of person who rejoices for her friend's happiness and cries for her friend's hardships. Not at all the jealous type.
Kimberly, we have tried looking her up on the global and she is not there. I don't know if she retired early, which seems weird because she would be very close to retirement, all those years in, you know. I don't have contact anymore with anyone who knew her.
How odd. You'd think after 20 years of freindship she could at least tell you what the problem was.
This has to hurt given all that time. Maybe one day she'll come forward with what happened to cause the drift. Til then, you will move on but I can tell you miss her.
Oh Marsha, I have so much I could say. I have lived through this pain and it will always be so fresh in my mind. I will be 90 yrs old and the pain will I know be just as fresh. Sometimes I think something goes wrong in their heads, and we can't understand it. Other times I think I did something wrong. The worst times are when I think it's just a misunderstanding and if they'd just talk about it it could get cleared up. Feel better knowing at least you're not at all alone with these awful feelings. I am right there with you.
Wish I knew what to say.
I wonder if maybe she had feelings for Jeff that weren't returned, and tried to 'hook you up' to cover her feelings. Once you two got together, she felt angry/betrayed/bitter. Or maybe she needed to move on with her life.
I was best friends with Jen for 8 years, we did everything together. When I got engaged, she never spoke to me again. It was really unbelievable. I think Jen, and your friend, can't be happy for your "ever after" when they haven't found theirs. It is a sad selfish way to be. Just my two cents, sorry for you...
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