Today was Lily's four year old check up. I made a list and talked to the doctor about her behavior issues. I think I did a good job. We have been refereed to specialists to determine if there is some sort of problem. The doctor also recommended that she go to preschool. Jeff agrees, I do not. I am going to try it. But, I am so scared. So very scared.
Lily is difficult. But, she is so sweet. No one has ever been mean to her. I am afraid that her teacher wont be able to handle how hard she is, I am afraid someone will be mean to her. Jeff and the doctor feel that if Lily is away from me she might be able to learn how to behave. Doesn't that sound like it is all my fault?
Today at the doctor, the person taking our information before we saw the doctor, he screamed at Lily. Lily was talking very loudly, she doesn't like it when I talk to other people and she talks over my conversations until I give her my attention. This drove him crazy and he yelled at her to sit down and be quiet. She proceeded to have a melt down. If telling Lily to be quiet and sit down would make her stop, I would have done that. If spanking, if yelling, if time outs, if rewards, or bribes worked I would have done that. Dude she has been acting this way for years, do you think I haven't tried asking her to stop? I have tried everything. The only thing that stops her takes a long time. This guy just wanted to ask me a few questions it was easier to ignore her and get it done.
The only thing that stops her is to redirect. But, first I have to get her attention. This is the challenge. If I can get her attention away from whatever she is focused on, and get her to listen to me, she will do anything I ask. She is really very sweet. But, when she is acting up she is not listening, she doesn't hear me. I don't know if this is her being stubborn or if she has something wrong. She can listen, but sometimes she just doesn't hear me. To stop her I have to repeat what she is saying a couple of times until she understands that I hear her. And then she usually has a few more things to say, which I have to repeat and then she will listen to me.
I know I am the mom and she should have to listen to me. But, for the life of me I can't figure out how to convince her of this. I am afraid that someone else will not be able to get through to Lily. Everyone who has ever tried ends up yelling at her. Gymnastics, swimming lessons, other moms, everyone gets really frustrated. Lily is so sweet and smart and she will be having this conversation with you like she is intelligent and all of a sudden she will no longer be listening to you. She is off in Lily land and it is hard to get her back to reality.
Even though I know it is not going to work, I am going to do all the things being recommended to me. I may be wrong. Maybe Lily is fine and she just needs to get away from me. Maybe it is all my fault that she is not the well behaved sweet little girl all the other children are.
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14 comments:
I think that sometimes our children learn to 'play us'...I consider this a sign of intelligence;~). I think that if the preschool teachers are trained in what they do, they will learn, with Lily, how to help Lily learn to listen better in a school environment. Yelling should not factor into this equation.
No wonder you feel so frustrated, with someone yelling at her at the very place you have come for help. You situation is not one I've had to deal with, so it would be pointless to say I understand what you're going through. I do know, though, that with our own daughters, they always behaved better away from home than they did at home. One of my good friends always said that children had to have some place they could let go, and she'd much rather it be at home, not at school.
So maybe, just maybe, going to Kindergarten will be the very best thing for your daughter. I pray that is so, and will keep both of you in my prayers.
How frustrating it must have been! My younger son went to Montessori preschool when he was four and I started working outside of the home. Soon, we learned there were some concerns about his lack of attention. He would turn on the water and walk away forgetting to turn off the water. As time went on, there were concerns that his development was lacking in some areas. By the time of first grade and after many evaluations we learned that he had an auditory processing learning disorder and sensory deficits. Later a label of ADD was given.
I only tell you this not too worry you but to encourage you to give Lily a chance to interact in the preschool environment and go from there. A good teacher and school should help guide you and Lilly in a helpful direction. I guess I feel it's better to deal with the behavior now rather than just hope it resolves on its own.
My son got help and is today away at college for his first year. Don't think I still don't worry and I guess I always will.
Everyone here has given you great advice. You are a great mom but it is time to let Lily go out into the bieg word and learn to interact with others, not just her mommy. When you put her in school, you need to go with an open mind (which I don't think you have right now because your already telling yourself it isn't going to work). You need to know if Lily hs a fit, or gets upset that you need to leave her there and go, don't stand in the hall way and listen. It iwll only break your heart. She will be fine. Kids are completely different when parents are not around. Your not wrong, your a mom who is concerned and worried. You know your daughter better than anyone else, but at the same time it is scary to try something that your unsure of. What kind of specialist are they sending you to? Are you going to start Lily in Preschool soon? I know it is hard. Take a deep breath and then take that big step forward!
I am so sorry to hear of your struggle with your daughter. If I may, can I be a conflicting voice?
I think I would definitely push for testing. To see if she has some sort of disorder you need to address. Then you can address it. I do not know you, your daughter, or your parenting style, but in my opinion passing her on to a public situation is not the answer. Yes, some are trained in dealing with special issues but you do not even know yet if there is a special issue. If not, well then it is a discipline issue( I know you said you think something else is going on here) and you as her mother and her father are the ones that need to address that.
Just my 2 cents, take it or leave it. Pray pray and pray!
You know your child best; don't assume that the school system will provide equally adequate care for your child as you can at home. However, you can't shelter her forever and she will need to learn how to deal with the real world (as scary as it may be) so I think the younger she is exposed the easier it will be for her to get used to it. My vote would be to send her to school and let her start to figure out for herself who she is.
All these smart people have great advice.
It will be interesting to see what happens.
I would expect some transistion pain though.
I don't have anything to add other than I would immediately have addressed the issue of the man in the office yelling at Lily with his superior. That's just wrong.
Good luck.
this is such a huge subject, but I fall on the side of keeping Lily with you and not "making" her conform to pre-school ideals of behavior. She's a little girl just four?! It sounds like Lily wants to be considered and respected (and so do you) and you two are working out how to do that. Yes, we'd all like "easy" children, but not at the cost of making her act today how you would expect an adult to act. I think you and your family are warm and kind people and Lily will be the same, in time. It sounds like you are feeling judgment from others, and maybe some self judgment. I know I worry that someone else could bring out different qualities in Annie, but I'm her Mom, and we are on this path together...
I'm here wishing you peace and ease,
P-
I don't know you or Lily but it upset me to hear that that man in the office yelled at her! I have nothing to add except to agree with Sari -- the issue of that MAN'S behavior needs to be addressed!
I agree. If you got his name, you need to go and put in a complaint with him. They have a place there where you can fill it in OR you can wait for your phone call that you will get in a few days to see how your visit was and complain to them there. I would do both!
i'm sorry it's so hard to struggle with the decision. I personally am of the opinion that a few hours away from mom each day is good for the kid and good for the mom. i am amazed by the difference in behavior my children exhibit when i am around versus not around.
also, i think it's important for a child to bond with and learn to trust an adult other than her parent, simply for emotional development. preschool makes the transition to kindergarten easier -- it teaches group skills like taking turns, standing in line, listening to the teacher, being ok away from mom, etc.
If she starts preschool part time and there are behavior problems, or if you feel the teachers are not treating her the way you think they should, you can address the issue then. No one should yell at your child.
none of this is your fault -- maybe she is just ready to be challenged in different ways. whatever you do, don't beat yourself up about it. good luck!
Hugs. This is so hard. You can only do what you think in your heart is the best. My kids are better when they're not with me, but if YOU suspect there's a problem then there probably is...your most powerful tool is your intuition.
Good Luck! I'm book marking you so I can come back and see how you're doing. Please post an update for me!
Trying parttime preschool might be just enough to evaluate if there are changes you can make.
Sounds, though, like it is happening with everyone and in every situation. She has had some opportunities to interact with other adults already. So, I think testing is a great idea, and just staying on top of it.
However, don't let anyone guilt you into sending your child into a situation that may become more volatile. I have a child with special needs. I know her best. I get looks and people whisper about some of our choices. They just simply don't know. They don't understand. You have to grow some really thick skin and be your child's advocate.
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