Last night was the last home game of the season for Mandy's volleyball team. The stands were packed - every hit, every miss, was reflected by the entire crowd, with a cheer or a gasp. We were one, the parents, the players, and the boy fans who come to cheer for the girls. Those boys are so cute, with their cheers and their songs. What a hoot to see the boys in the stands cheering on the girls.
The score would volley back and forth like the ball. We were up and then they were up. Every hit and every miss counted. Our girls were smoking hot. After a season of losses, a season of fans watching players watch the ball hit the ground, the girls were finally putting some effort into their game. Doing the one-two-three, hit-set-spike. They were spiking it into the empty places on the other side of the net. It was like magic. Especially since we have not won a game all season. All season. The stands are always full, we parents invest our hearts in every game and we lose, lose, lose. So last night when we won the first game we were so very happy.
At one point a parent had to be warned to settle down. Later the ref asked the coach to take care of another rowdy parent from the other team. The coach was walking toward the stands, the police officer right behind her, the parent stood up and promised he would behave and the ref allowed him to stay. Everyone there last night was amped up and on the edge of their seats.
We lost the second game and third game, it was very close. Mandy was only allowed to play in the first five minutes of the second game. All the energy and success of the first game all the spirit of the parents and the high school boy fans, is for her team and not really directed at her. Her spirits have really taken a beating this season. She went from being a star player to being a bench warmer. Moving is hard. She is a gifted volleyball player. She has always been very good at sports. But, here she can't seem to find her grove. Starting out they put her on JV instead of varsity. There is very little discipline in the coaching style here. She went from having three hours of hard core practice everyday to having two one and a half hour long practices per week. Most of the girls on the team look as if running around the block would physically challenge them. But, Mandy is a bench warmer on JV here.
That is really all she has earned. She hasn't been able to show them what a great player she is. When I watch her play it actually hurts. I know how good she is and I am not really sure what has happened. It is as if she doesn't want to be there anymore. I can't help but wonder if she will even play again next year. One of the casualties of moving I guess. I think that the nerves, the pressure, the being relegated to the bench has been hard on her confidence and a spunky fabulous never say die player is now a girl who is just a bundle of nerves. Is it Mandy's fault for not doing her best? Is it the coach's fault for not bringing out her game? Is it my fault for making her move? I really don't know who to blame, but it is sad to see her lose something that could have brought her so much joy and fulfillment.
I can't help but wonder if having moved all around during Mandy's school life has been a good learning experience or a bad one. Has it taught her how to give up and that she just doesn't really fit in anywhere? Has it taught her to be a victim, who feels sorry for herself? Or is it eventually going to teach her how to pick herself up and make the very most out of life even when life is hard. This is the most important lesson I want for her. I want her to be able to love her life and not feel like a victim. I can't help but wonder if we had lived her entire life in the same place, if she wouldn't have been the star of the volleyball team. It would have been nice if Mandy had really put herself out there and gave volleyball everything she had. What a great feeling that would have been if she had been able to have that success. I thought I was giving her the opportunity to gain some inner strength but that didn't happen at all.
Her team this year was awful. Mandy played better when she started volleyball in the seventh grade than the best of these girls play today. I guess it was all just too much for her to overcome. I know that marrying Jeff was in Mandy's best interest overall. Marrying a man in the Air Force meant Mandy would have to move several times during her childhood. At the time I told myself that this would make her stronger. Dismissing the negative aspects of moving so much. In reality there really are negatives associated with moving. Consequences to the kids. It is not really all good and positive. It was the best decision overall, but that doesn't eradicate all the negatives. I feel bad that I took away her opportunity to be a volleyball star. All the emotional crap seems to have been too much for her to overcome. I tell myself that moving is going to build character and make her a stronger person. Give her the opportunity to learn how to adapt to new situations. But, right now it feels more like that didn't happen, instead it just made high school more difficult for Mandy. I guess Mandy didn't get the memo saying that all this moving was going to toughen her up and teach her to overcome adversity.
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I Think I May Have A Screw Loose
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I saw my podiatrist yesterday. One part of my foot is still hurting (it's
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11 comments:
Mandy will have to learn to stand up and fight for what she wants. It won't be handed to her even if she is better than all the rest. We moved all the time, too. You'd think we were in the military. DS used to play soccer and now won't participate in any sports, even though he was born to play any sport he wanted. I never moved. I lived in the same house from the time I was born until I got married at age 22. It did not help me to be a star anything. :)
I went to: 3 elementary schoools, 1 junior high and 4 high schools (yes, that is correct and not a typo) due to divorce and remarriage in my family.
I think moving a lot has its pros and cons. You are better able to adapt to change (whether you like it or not) and it's kind of fun to be in a new place. On the other hand, it is hard to move around to places where you have to prove yourself again and again as a friend or an athlete. Not that I was ever an athlete because I'm truly as about as far from athletic as a person can get.
I think that things work out in the end and you can't beat yourself up for how your life is. I think if Mandy was giving up, she wouldn't have even gone out for volleyball. Next year she'll get a chance to show them, I'm sure!
When I played sports, it did not matter where I was or who I was with, I always gave it my all......for the love of the sport. If you are good it WILL show. I made Varsity Softball and Basketball my freshman years and although I was a BUG bench warmer the first year, it taught me to work harder and harder. I just loved to play and I still would love to play softball today if anyone would ask even if I would make a little fool of myself. Although three years ago in Aviano I played for the MedGroup team and we kicked butt and WON the championship (so much fun). I lost a ton of weight too. Anyway....Mandy has to want it and maybe she should play on a local rec team too so she can get around others who are good.
We moved from NM to WA the summer of our daughters senior year after almost six years in the same place. She faultered for awhile, but went on to excell.
I moved around as a child. In some ways it sucks, in some ways it makes you strong. Think of what she learned by being all those cool places.
This is another place for her to learn things. I am sorry it is painful though.
I think you need to show this blog entry to Mandy and then you two need to talk about it. It may open her eyes to a few things, and yours too!
I think it would be wonderful if you could take Kimberly's suggestion...I don't know if Mandy knows how you feel, but I think reading this post would help her...I hope things work out for her, and you...
I went to school with a girl whose dad was in the army Marsha. They moved around a lot too. But she saw it as a good learning experience, making lots of new friends along the way. They even lived in Hong Kong for a while. This girl always had lots of friends in school and lots of stories to tell. So moving around can have its advantages too.
P.S. Just came across to remind you Marsha. Don't forget to let me have your carnival post. Need it by tomorrow if possible. I've had quite a lot of posts in already so it's going well at the moment.
I moved once when I was growing up (I was twelve). It took me a while to acclimate. Hopefully with time, Mandy will too. Remember, she's never been this particular age and moved...this is new for her at this stage of her life.
36 years of marriage, 10 moves as a family, 7 states (we lived in 3 states 2 different times), 2 sons. No military. The hardest was when son 1 was in 9th grade. Today, at 29, he says moving gave him opportunities for new friends and experiences he wouldn't have had living in one place. He has a great love of life and adventure. We recently moved after son 2 graduated high school. It was still hard for him to leave his friends.
It's hard not to wonder as parents if the choices we made have hurt our kids. Probably, no matter what, there will be certain issues.
Lorelei: I can't help but wonder if Mandy's personality is what it is no matter what I do, while I thought pushing her would force her to be stronger, maybe she is who she is.
Sari:Thanks, I am not athletic either.
Angel: I have never been athletic but my impression is that there is a lot of crap in ones head that plays into how well you do when playing. Confidence, frustration, I don't know what you call it but when someone who has the skills and wants to do well just can't find their rhythms and feels all self conscious etc. I think the problem is a mental one, and I feel bad because if we never moved she might not have had so much mental stuff to overcome and could have lived up to her potential in high school volleyball, which would have been a really great memory.
Luckzmom: good to know.
Meno: I guess what I am wondering is, maybe you were just a strong person to begin with and it wasn't moving that made you strong. What happens if a not so strong person is forced into hard situations, does it really make them strong or does it just make their life kinda crappy for awhile?
Kimberly: RRRRIIIIIGGGGGTTTT!!!!!! I have been trying to come up with a reason why I cannot have this conversation with Mandy. It comes down to the fact that I am way to critical of her all the time and she hates that. Mandy is a really good kid. She does well in school. She is honest and trustworthy. When she disagrees with me she tells me and doesn't try to manipulate or lie to get her way. I try to respect that and listen.
I have issues. I am always down on myself thinking that I could do better. Sometimes that accidentally gets directed at Mandy. She is so like me that sometimes I get as frustrated with her as I get with myself. So I tend to be way too critical of her. I tell her she doesn't live up to her potential, in her grades, in volleyball, in everything. Mandy really hates that, it really hurts her feelings. It doesn't make her try harder. It doesn't serve a purpose, it is mean.
So I have learned to back off. I am trying to change my Mandy parenting style and be nicer. I am trying to be encouraging and point out her strengths instead of always saying, you could be doing better. I don't know how to talk to her about volleyball without her hearing me say, you could be doing better. Which will only hurt her feelings, she will tune me out. I am waiting for her to come to me, if she wants my advice. I am saying things like, I wish the coach would play you more, you are so good. Maybe this will help her to open up to me, but for now... Too much water under the bridge, not a lot of dialog.
Nap Warden: hey girl. Thanks for stopping by, see above. All I know for sure is that I have no clue.
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