The other day at the playground, Lily was playing with a little girl who looked to be about a year older than Lily, that would make her around five. Lily and the little girl were the only kids at the playground and they were laughing and having a great time. The two girls decided to play hide-n-seek.
At first they decided to count to 20. The other little girl changed her mind and wanted to count to 100. I am sure that it was her idea and not Lily.(counting is one of Lily's favorite things). Instead of hiding Lily was listening to her count. Every time this girl missed a number Lily would point it out to her. They would both laugh and the counting would continue. When the girl was supposed to say 80, she said 90 instead. Lily corrected her. The little girl's dad called the little girl over to him.
The dad then told her to stop counting to 100. It takes too long. To count to 20 instead. That counting to 100 takes too long. The little girl walked back over to Lily, the dad is in the background continuing to tell her to only count to 20. Loudly he is telling her this. The girls starts counting again at 1, Lily tells her, no you were at 80, say 80. The dad is shouting, no count to 20. The girl says 80. The dad says, if you count to 100 again we are going home. It takes too long.
The girl quit counting and climbed to the top of the slide. Lily continued to try to coerce her to say 80. Another child arrived at the playground and they got to playing with him and all counting ceased. We stayed there for at least another hour. The little girl and her father and mother were still there when we left. The father continued to poke his nose into the children's games, giving his daughter directions of which slide to play on, who to talk to, etc. When he wasn't directing her play, he was being very arrogant and condescending toward his wife. Saying all kinds of annoying things. I had meant to remember the words exactly but, I forgot them. Sorry.
When Mandy was little I remember stepping into the children's games and conversations. I remember being a referee of fairness within their play. For the most part, if no one is bleeding I let the kids work it out now. I am not sure if my change in attitude comes from wisdom. The knowledge that my daughter's have to learn how to stand up for themselves. That they will learn more from an unpleasant day at the playground with a bunch of brats than they will if I force all the kids to be nice to them. Or maybe I am just old and tired and if it doesn't kill her it will make her stronger. Or maybe I react differently because Lily is a strong willed won't take shit from anyone kind of girl, and Mandy is sweet and quiet.
I thought this dad at the playground was such an ass. Telling the kids how to play hide-n-seek. How is it his business what they count to, was anyone bleeding? But, I know that twelve years ago when Mandy was on the playground I was just as obnoxious.
What about you. Do you feel it is important to step in when you see the children playing in an unfair way. Not that this counting thing was unfair. But, if the kids are not sharing, do you tell them to share, or let them work it out on their own? If one of the kids is really bossy, do you step in and tell them to back off and help the quiet ones get a word in? Is it the parents responsibility to ensure that everyone is having fun and to impose a grown up standard of fair play into the children's games?
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23 comments:
Although my initial reactions, when I see this stuff happening, is to jump in and protect my kids, I too have learned that I have to follow my kids lead. If Ten or Twelve come up to me to tell me that something is bothering them, I now try to help them figure out what they can do to resolve the issue. When they were younger, I stepped in far to often. I think that hindered their ability to develop strategies to stand up for themselves. So they are learning to do that now.
I just let them work it out, unless, as you say, there is blood.
I was a control freak with my kids. Not as bad as that Dad, but bad, until I learned better. It keeps them dependent on you far too long. So, good for you.
You know...I never really thought about it. Most of the trips to playgrounds consisted of just my family or that of friends of mine who we both took care of these things with no complaints. Most of the time I would find my fat behind trying to slide down the slide too! (LOL) IT is very important to let your kids grow into who they are and I think you are right to let her be unless she was in a fight with other kids or bad word were coming out of her mouth.
I wonder if this was an only child? Or at least a first child? I think once you have more than one, you really relax and become a better parent. I never got that opportunity personally, but I've seen it happen to everyone around me.
Wow, this is a marvelous question. My babes are 1 and 2, and we are just starting to experience this. Initially, I want to jump in and kick a**. But then I stand back and try to let kiddos work it out. When you find the answer...let me know, I am learning as I go. P.S. that Dad sounds like a real jerk...
If my kids tell me they need help, I will help. Otherwise I let them try to work it out.
It irritates the crap out of me when people are like that dad, why not let them just play? What's the big deal. but that's just me.
"Yap" They need to sort it out He!He!He! Make sure kids have their own space and time to do their own thing — to play with toys by themselves, to play with friends without a sibling tagging along, or to enjoy activities without having to share 50-50.I let them get on with it as long as it is safe.(My two bits) :)Wish you well
This is a good post. I remember playing as a kid and parents were hardly ever around to act as refs. I'll admit to intruding to encourage "fairness" with my second son's outtings to the playground, but on hindsight, I believe that was not necessary.
Lynn: my initial response too.
Meno: you are very wise.
Luckyzmom: it all works out in the end though, your kids turned out lovely.
Angel: I used to squeeze my fat butt down the slide a lot with Mandy, but Lily tells me to go sit down.
Lorelei: Especially when the kids are so spread out like mine.
Nap Warden: I wonder if there really is an ANSWER to any parenting questions. We are all so different.
Sari: That Dad was making me so mad, I hate it when parents are bullies.
Zingtrial: good advice, I wish you well, too.
Shelia: Thank You Shelia. When I was a kid, we were told to go outside and play and I don't remember a lot of parent supervision.
Not having any children I shy away from giving advice to parents. The behavior of the father in this case, I think, was shameful. He wasn't doing his child any favors; his approach is more likely to do damage than help.
It was always my first instinct to let them work it out. But I was a young mom, and very impressionable, and some of the older moms were so damn bossy. There were kids I tried to steer my own away from playing with, just because of their parents. There's something really sad about that.
My thots tell me to let the kids do it.. only intervene when necessary...
I don't have children Marsha but I think this dad was just spoiling his child's playtime as he kept butting in all the time. Children even young ones seem to have a habit of forming their own friendships and standing up for themselves in their own way. Sometimes you have to give them a bit of independence and only intervene when necessary.
Very thought provoking. I look back now and really don't know if my system was a good one one or not. We live in the middle of nowhere, so I had to drive my children to play with others. I would visit with the Mama while they played. When the fussing just got totally out of hand (and eventually it always did), I just took them home.
Thanks for stopping by Yesterday's Memories, Marsha.
Unless someone starts screaming, I try to stay out of it. Kids need to learn to resolve conflict on their own, it's part of growing up. If they don't start learning now, when will they?
By the way, I really like your blog. Thanks for visiting mine. I'll try to get a new post out today or tomorrow. So much has happened.
Not that this is an excuse, but maybe the dad was embarrassed that his child couldn't count to 100 when a younger child could.... Didn't you say that Lily was helping/correcting the older child? Maybe that is why he suggested that they only count to 20- so his child could get it right. Lots of kids don't learn to count to 100 to kinder....
anonymous: you are very right. Lily is so annoying & he was protecting his kid from either looking dumb or from having her feelings hurt. In fact he spent the next hour watching the other kids and telling his daughter where to hide, so she could win at hide n seek. I have the urge to protect my daughter too. It is always nice when they are the fasted, smartest, prettiest. Feels good. In the long run though, at some point they have to learn some social skills, sometimes a bad day at the playground amounts to an enormous learning experience for a kid. I am not sure if it was my kid feeling bad if I would have the strength to back off though. In the past no, in the future, I am trying.
I agree that that dad was over-bearing.
However, I don't think that it's always best to let kids work out their conflicts on their own, especially in the case of very young children. I think parents NEED to step in and "impose grown up standards of fair play." Fair play is not a "grown up" issue. It's a people issue. And where are children going to learn it, if not from an adult? I've seen children resolving their own conflicts, and it's not pretty. It usually involves someone getting hurt, or getting a toy broken. It also usually ends up with the naturally aggressive, outgoing children bossing everyone else around, and the quieter children getting run over. If an adult is around, I believe the adults should set the boundaries of behavior.
Once the children are older, and have been taught rules for treating other children, then I think they are ready to practice dealing with problems themselves, and parents or supervising adults should let them, and only step in if things get out of hand.
I feel very strongly about the role of adults in providing good examples, good training, and a safe place for kids to learn how to interact with people.
Thanks Mom Hubert, you have an excellent point. I appreciate you stopping by and going against the grain to and adding to this conversation. I think it is a complex part of raising kids. My oldest daughter was always quiet and I feel that I intervened on her behalf a bit too much when she was younger. I wonder if I had stepped back and let her figure it out on her own when she was younger if she would be having an easier time now that I am no longer able to intervene on her behalf. But, I could have been an example of what she shouldn't tolerate from her friends.
Very good question.
It's a fine line between stepping in and doing nothing but ultimately the bigger lesson is that in life you have to work things out . . .
Marsha,
I have always been of the opinion you stated...if there's no blood, I don't intervene. Until it gets to the point Mom Huebert was talking about. Once the words start to get unkind (I never let it get to physical violence), that's when I step in. I do feel that children need to learn on their own to resolve conflict when they reach the age of 4-5 or above. At that age, they can communicate and understand and learn; the idea that sometimes they can learn more from a difficult situation than from you "solving" all their problems is a great one that I hold to too.
Great post, wise comments :) Having two boys who often fight, I've learned (to try really hard) not to step in (they are three and four) and in fact have use the "call me if you're bleeding line" when I got tired of the whining to mom :)
I was at the playground the other day and this little girl seemed kind of bossy, initially not sharing, then stepping in to "help" my kids when it was their turn. The mom wandered off and I was annoyed with her. Lo and behold, within 5 minutes they were all playing really sweetly and I too was inching off to the shade, and realizing the woman was likely exhausted from playing in the hot sun. Lesson learned for this sometimes overprotective mommy.
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