90/190 Three Months Down

I have been working hard at changing my lifestyle. More exercise, eating healthy and learning to say no. It feel I have made improvements but I still have a long way to go. I am not striving for perfection just improvement. Yes I have improved but there is still room for more improvement. It is a journey. I do feel a lot better, I don't have any more pent up anger and resentment. Most days I am my normal happy self. I actually think that is the real accomplishment.

When I learned that Jeff was going to be deployed back in August I told myself that I needed to get myself ready by exercising and eating right. I knew that was the only way I was going to make it through this difficult time. I envisioned him coming home in July nearly a year after I first learned he was leaving to a new and improved Marsha. Fit and skinny. I thought I have nearly a year, if I get busy now I can really accomplish a lot. I thought this is a great thing for me to concentrate all my time and energy upon. But, that didn't happen. It took me until now to work through all the funk in my head, to bust out of my bad habits and start to make some changes.

I went to the gym 2 times the first week - then Lily got strep throat. I went to the gym 2 times the second week - then I got strep throat. I went to the gym 4 times the third week - yeah. I went to the gym 1 time this week - then I got sick again. Next week is spring break so I am not sure what will happen. Technically I can take Lily with me to the gym as they have child care available and all paid for, but that is way outside of my box. Not sure if I am going to be able to do that. I think I can, I think I can... Perhaps I will come up with an alternate plan.

Eating right is a hard one for me to. Since Jeff has been gone I am having a really hard time keeping up with cooking and cleaning. Dishes and laundry are killing me. Then add all the clutter, vacuuming, dusting, mopping, and bathrooms - yikes. Now I have to add the yard - whose idea was it to have such a big yard. Our yard is a major enormous pain. The leaves fall out of the trees in spring. Our grass is mostly weeds that grow up to my knees every week. In between the weeds is sand, leaves and branches. We had such a cold snap last winter I am afraid we might have lost our citrus trees and they need some pruning. Plus the flower beds are a major ugly mess. The gutters are full of leaves too. I feel like I could spend the next three months working on the house and yard all day everyday and still not be done. It is really freaking me out. So I get all worked up about all that and I end up buying a pizza for dinner or going to McDonald's. I really want to be on a low glycemic low animal fat diet. That is what I am aiming for but I am not there yet. I do have a family history of diabetes and heart disease and the military doctors refuse to test me for those things, I guess if you don't know you don't have it and they don't have to treat you is their theory. Anyways, I imagine I should be careful and now that I am over 40 and 100 lbs overweight I imagine I should get my diet in order now before it becomes do it or die. I would rather be able to cheat a little and ease into it than wait until it is life threatening. I am also considering paying out of pocket to got to a non-military doctor and get my self really checked. I also really want to shout to the world that I hate the military health care system it has been nothing but horrible to my family. I will think about that later after Jeff has come home and I am not holding onto my sanity by my finger nails.

I don't know why but food is such a big issue. I am a really good cook. I know how to make healthy delicious food. I buy all the ingredients with all the best of intentions and every week I throw away all that healthy delicious fresh fruits and veggies because we detoured to McDonald's and Pizza, etc. I think that the afternoons are my hardest part of the day. I am worn out and tired by then. Maybe I need to find a way to cook in the morning. Schedule cooking and dishes first thing in the morning and then just re-heat in the afternoons. When I think about it, it feels like it is all just too much. Like the yard and the housework it all feels like it is too much and I just avoid thinking about it.

Today is the three month anniversary of Jeff's departure. I feel like I have made some progress and learned a lot about myself. I have become stronger and more aware of my strength. My marriage has become stronger too. We talk everyday. I consciously realize that I love being married to Jeff and I appreciate what a great partner he is.

78/190: Self Discovery

I should go back and read my blog over the years, I can't help but wonder if I have had the same self discovery over and over again through the years. I wonder if I will always be who I am or if I am moving forward and growing.

Jeff's Deployment has caused me to learn a little bit about myself. In one of my previous posts I wrote about how angry I was feeling at everyone and everything. I think that was not a result of Jeff being gone but that I have been feeling that way for a long time but being married to Jeff is so nice that I was able to overlook the anger.

Kim suggested that I do something nice for myself a couple of times a week and I realized that I never do things for myself. I started to think about going to the gym, getting my hair done, whatever and I realized that I don't have time. I would have to stop doing something in order to add doing something for myself to my schedule. What can I stop doing? I just couldn't think of anything.

Jeff has been telling me for years to stop volunteering so much, but I feel bad giving that up. However, over the course of the last couple of weeks I have been examining how much I volunteer compared to other moms. It is embarrassing. Why am I doing so much? So I started saying no. It has been so hard. Why is it so hard to say no to doing more? I think deep down I am afraid of rejection. But, if I look at the situation realistically no one even appreciates the stuff I do, they either like me or don't like me based on who I am and not on if I do A B or C at the school. I am going to keep the commitments that I have already made but I am not going to make any new commitments. It has been so hard. I never knew I had a problem saying no. I realize that is silly and that I don't actually care what these people think of me that I just have some switch in my head that fears what will happen if I say no. I have to consciously make myself ignore that impulse and say no anyways. It is a struggle.

I joined a gym. I feel so bad because we have free access to several state of the art gyms on the base. I joined the YMCA where I live. It is not nearly as nice as the base gym and I have to pay for it. Oh the guilt. However, I have a number of friends who go to that gym. It is about 20 minutes closer to my house. It has an indoor heated pool. Oh the guilt.

I have been going to the gym for two weeks now. Both weeks I made it there on Monday and Tuesday but fizzled out and didn't go the rest of the week. But, two days is better than zero days. I have a friend who works out with me and we chat away and the time goes very quickly. To be fair the first week I was overcome with volunteer obligations and then Lily got strep throat. This last week I got the strep throat and it was bad! So I haven't just been blowing it off but still I am hoping to make it at least three times this week. I also love that the people at this gym are from our town and all regular folks. However, there are a lot of over 70 people in there that are much more fit than me. I was surprised how much strength my body has maintained over the years of not exercising on a regular basis. It hasn't been hard or painful to get back into the swing of things. It is like I left off at the fitness level I was at the last time I tried to get in shape and my body has been waiting for me to start up again. Thanks.

I am also working on taking the time to shop for and cook healthy meals. Don't laugh but I am trying to go as Vegan as possible. Just for me not for the girls. It doesn't hurt them to eat bean and veggies soup and if they want to have a hot dog with it then that is fine too. It takes a lot of time to plan and make healthy meals. I have to actually schedule time to think about what we are going to have for dinner, go get the food ( grocery store across the street from new gym) and then cook it, and do the dishes. So much easier to just pick something up. But, I am such a great cook. It does add at least an hour if not two hours of work to my daily schedule to cook at home and I am finding that hard to conquer. What to give up? Probably should give up facebook games for cooking.

Over the next couple of weeks friends have invited me to do fun stuff. I am excited about that. So I am hoping to have an improvement in my anger and in my health after learning to say no and learning to get over the guilt and put myself first.

Here is a funny story. I told all this to Jeff and said, I am going to have to stop doing some things in order to find time to go to the gym and cook at home more. Jeff says, you know I think you should put yourself first. I think this is a great idea. I said, you know that means I am going to have to say no to you and the girls sometimes, because y'all ask a lot of me. Jeff says, that is fine I will understand, I love you and want you to be happy and healthy. A minute later we are saying our goodbyes and Jeff says, don't forget to write me a long email. ha ha get it. He totally doesn't get that it takes time to sit down everyday and write him emails. He is devastated if he doesn't get one. Who do I say no to? Poor Jeff.

Lily is exactly the same way if she doesn't get enough undivided attention the girl is impossible. Which cracks me up because of how much Jeff is the same. I need to learn to be more like them. Both Jeff and Lily are the happiest people on earth and they both take excellent care of themselves and if they aren't getting what they need from me they let me know loudly. Lily 1st grade teacher comments on facebook and to me in person about what a delightful and happy girl Lily is in class. Last night I was behind on a deadline for work and asked her to please get ready for bed on her own, which she has been doing for years, however she wanted me to help her pick her pjs and cried and threw an enormous fit. Just an example. It does actually seem that she only does this to me. I don't know if that is because she has figured out that I am no good at saying no or if it is because she saves up her need and only asks it of me because I am a safe place to be vulnerable. Of course she does have me wrapped around her little finger I guess it is a combination of both. Lily is a unique kind of child, she would never intentionally misbehave. She tries to be perfect. However, she doesn't like it when people tell her she is wrong or needs a course correction she feels that is the end of the world. She tries her best to avoid being told she is wrong but once it happens the world is over and she fights and she is fierce. At school she has figures out how to not get into any trouble so she has a perfectly pleasant time all the time but at home we two butt our heads quite a bit. I guess that is the nature of mother and daughter. Ending this long tangent now.

I am now on a new life path. No longer worried about if I am liked. I am not going to do my best to be there for others in hope that they will return the favor. I am going to take the best care of myself I can. Then I am going to take the best care of my family that I can. Then I am going to do my job to the best of my ability. After all that if there is anything left I will help in the community. I am moving myself from the bottom of the list to the top.

I am reading Alice in Wonderland to Lily. I haven't actually ever read the book before but Lily has always been conscious of time to the point of driving me crazy and it reminds me of the rabbit checking his watch. Every morning, noon, and night Lily is checking the time - are we late? She likes a schedule and she likes to keep to the schedule. So I thought Alice in Wonderland might be fun.

First question is this book Fiction or Nonfiction? Lily always has to know this before we read a book. I tell her the book is fiction. I worry that this book is written in a way that is a little bit over her head, we stop after every paragraph and talk about what is going on.