78/190: Self Discovery

I should go back and read my blog over the years, I can't help but wonder if I have had the same self discovery over and over again through the years. I wonder if I will always be who I am or if I am moving forward and growing.

Jeff's Deployment has caused me to learn a little bit about myself. In one of my previous posts I wrote about how angry I was feeling at everyone and everything. I think that was not a result of Jeff being gone but that I have been feeling that way for a long time but being married to Jeff is so nice that I was able to overlook the anger.

Kim suggested that I do something nice for myself a couple of times a week and I realized that I never do things for myself. I started to think about going to the gym, getting my hair done, whatever and I realized that I don't have time. I would have to stop doing something in order to add doing something for myself to my schedule. What can I stop doing? I just couldn't think of anything.

Jeff has been telling me for years to stop volunteering so much, but I feel bad giving that up. However, over the course of the last couple of weeks I have been examining how much I volunteer compared to other moms. It is embarrassing. Why am I doing so much? So I started saying no. It has been so hard. Why is it so hard to say no to doing more? I think deep down I am afraid of rejection. But, if I look at the situation realistically no one even appreciates the stuff I do, they either like me or don't like me based on who I am and not on if I do A B or C at the school. I am going to keep the commitments that I have already made but I am not going to make any new commitments. It has been so hard. I never knew I had a problem saying no. I realize that is silly and that I don't actually care what these people think of me that I just have some switch in my head that fears what will happen if I say no. I have to consciously make myself ignore that impulse and say no anyways. It is a struggle.

I joined a gym. I feel so bad because we have free access to several state of the art gyms on the base. I joined the YMCA where I live. It is not nearly as nice as the base gym and I have to pay for it. Oh the guilt. However, I have a number of friends who go to that gym. It is about 20 minutes closer to my house. It has an indoor heated pool. Oh the guilt.

I have been going to the gym for two weeks now. Both weeks I made it there on Monday and Tuesday but fizzled out and didn't go the rest of the week. But, two days is better than zero days. I have a friend who works out with me and we chat away and the time goes very quickly. To be fair the first week I was overcome with volunteer obligations and then Lily got strep throat. This last week I got the strep throat and it was bad! So I haven't just been blowing it off but still I am hoping to make it at least three times this week. I also love that the people at this gym are from our town and all regular folks. However, there are a lot of over 70 people in there that are much more fit than me. I was surprised how much strength my body has maintained over the years of not exercising on a regular basis. It hasn't been hard or painful to get back into the swing of things. It is like I left off at the fitness level I was at the last time I tried to get in shape and my body has been waiting for me to start up again. Thanks.

I am also working on taking the time to shop for and cook healthy meals. Don't laugh but I am trying to go as Vegan as possible. Just for me not for the girls. It doesn't hurt them to eat bean and veggies soup and if they want to have a hot dog with it then that is fine too. It takes a lot of time to plan and make healthy meals. I have to actually schedule time to think about what we are going to have for dinner, go get the food ( grocery store across the street from new gym) and then cook it, and do the dishes. So much easier to just pick something up. But, I am such a great cook. It does add at least an hour if not two hours of work to my daily schedule to cook at home and I am finding that hard to conquer. What to give up? Probably should give up facebook games for cooking.

Over the next couple of weeks friends have invited me to do fun stuff. I am excited about that. So I am hoping to have an improvement in my anger and in my health after learning to say no and learning to get over the guilt and put myself first.

Here is a funny story. I told all this to Jeff and said, I am going to have to stop doing some things in order to find time to go to the gym and cook at home more. Jeff says, you know I think you should put yourself first. I think this is a great idea. I said, you know that means I am going to have to say no to you and the girls sometimes, because y'all ask a lot of me. Jeff says, that is fine I will understand, I love you and want you to be happy and healthy. A minute later we are saying our goodbyes and Jeff says, don't forget to write me a long email. ha ha get it. He totally doesn't get that it takes time to sit down everyday and write him emails. He is devastated if he doesn't get one. Who do I say no to? Poor Jeff.

Lily is exactly the same way if she doesn't get enough undivided attention the girl is impossible. Which cracks me up because of how much Jeff is the same. I need to learn to be more like them. Both Jeff and Lily are the happiest people on earth and they both take excellent care of themselves and if they aren't getting what they need from me they let me know loudly. Lily 1st grade teacher comments on facebook and to me in person about what a delightful and happy girl Lily is in class. Last night I was behind on a deadline for work and asked her to please get ready for bed on her own, which she has been doing for years, however she wanted me to help her pick her pjs and cried and threw an enormous fit. Just an example. It does actually seem that she only does this to me. I don't know if that is because she has figured out that I am no good at saying no or if it is because she saves up her need and only asks it of me because I am a safe place to be vulnerable. Of course she does have me wrapped around her little finger I guess it is a combination of both. Lily is a unique kind of child, she would never intentionally misbehave. She tries to be perfect. However, she doesn't like it when people tell her she is wrong or needs a course correction she feels that is the end of the world. She tries her best to avoid being told she is wrong but once it happens the world is over and she fights and she is fierce. At school she has figures out how to not get into any trouble so she has a perfectly pleasant time all the time but at home we two butt our heads quite a bit. I guess that is the nature of mother and daughter. Ending this long tangent now.

I am now on a new life path. No longer worried about if I am liked. I am not going to do my best to be there for others in hope that they will return the favor. I am going to take the best care of myself I can. Then I am going to take the best care of my family that I can. Then I am going to do my job to the best of my ability. After all that if there is anything left I will help in the community. I am moving myself from the bottom of the list to the top.

The Diet

Jeff's PT test is coming up in about two and a half weeks. He has been trying to lose about 10 lbs for months and months. The same three pounds keep coming and going. For those of you not familiar with the military he has to take a physical training test annually to ascertain whether or not he is "fit to fight". The test includes running, sit-ups, push-ups, measuring the waist, etc. Each component of the test has points and you have to have a certain number of points to stay in the military (you get more than one chance). Each branch of the service has different standards and different tests, Jeff is Air Force. Anyways, he is in great physical shape. He did a marathon this past year, etc. But, keeping the waist within regulation is difficult for Jeff. Usually he is able to drop 10 lbs very easily and very quickly but this year he has struggled for months with no results.

He was about to give up. While he would pass his test with a good score, he is on a quest for an excellent score. I offered to help him out with the losing of those 10 lbs, even though we are only two and a half weeks before the test. While I have not been able to lose weight effectively myself, I feel that all the books I have read on the subject make me a bit of an expert. I devised a plan for him, and me while I was doing all this work. I am making all his meals. Counting all his calories, hoping he will be able to lose those pesky 10 lbs. He thinks that now that he is 33 he is too old to lose weight. I am 38 and a female so I was a bit upset by this declaration.

Yesterday, was the first day of the diet. I made all his meals. Packed them up in a bag. He forgot to bring it with him to work in the morning. He called, I drove it to him. It took me an hour to get there due to traffic and a half and hour to get home. He ate his breakfast and then went out to lunch due to an office function. He had a big slice of ham and tons of buttery corn, a big bowl of fruit and a salad. He did not know that a plate sized piece of ham was not such a good idea. Or so he says. He forgot to eat his snack and did not drink his water. He gained 3/10's of a pound.

I followed the diet and lost 1/10th of a pound. I forgot to exercise. We shall see how today goes. I wonder if he will eat the actual food I packed for him. I found a website that is free and figures out calories, Calorie Count.com. Basically we are avoiding simple sugars, eating fruits, veggies, whole grains, meat, dairy... trying to keep our calories down and to only eat foods that are fuel. It is only two and a half weeks so it is easier to wrap my mind around than if it was for six months. I'll let you know how we do. I am hoping to beat Jeff. Wish me luck.

Squash

I am currently in search of a new source of stress relief. I gave up smoking, 8 years ago. I have tried drinking, didn't do much for me. I am currently using chocolate chip cookies, which I have to say works better for me than cigs ever did, however, I have to give this form of relaxation up. Now what? Prescription drugs? Yoga? Can you see me doing yoga? That would be so funny, I would fall over and squash those skinny yoga bitches. Joking. Any ideas?

Moderation

This morning at the gym I was thinking about moderation. I can remember as a child that my parents told me,

all things in moderation

However, they also told me,

if you aren't going to do it right, don't do it at all.

I have tended for most of my life to be a all or nothing kind of person.

When I began my quest for fitness, my first few weeks of exercise were very painful. I could barely make it through 15 minutes on the elliptical trainer. I would be breathing heavily, sweating profusely, seeing stars, etc. And this was going slowly on the lowest setting. Every trip to the gym, was painful. Yet, I perservered. I kept going. After awhile the pain, sweating, heavy breathing, seeing stars began to subside. Now, I can workout for thirty minutes without all the drama.

I find that on the days that I exercise with moderation I go home feeling great. I get that exercise high. I enjoy my time at the gym. But, I don't increase my level of fitness. When I work out to excess, past the point of comfort, I go home feeling like crap, but the next day - I am stronger. Pushing myself past the limits of a moderate session of exercise hurting, sweating, seeing stars, falling to the floor in exhaustion, causes my body to overcome and adapt. Pushing myself just to the point of raising my heart rate to the aerobic levels, where I can still hold a conversation and where I can get that exercise high, go home and feel great - at this rate my level of fitness remains steady.

I do wish to increase my level of fitness, to be able to run faster, harder, longer. So for me I feel that a combination of moderate exercise and super exercise sessions is the right fit.

I think the rest of my life like how I approach parenting, school, housework, cooking - is a lot like how I approach exercise. Sometimes I just do what I have to do to get by at a moderate pace. At those times, I am not perfect or a superstar, but I am happy and my days holds very little stress. On the other hand there are times when I want to really give something my all and to feel a real sense of accomplishment, to be great. Being great causes a lot of stress, turmoil and pain - but ain't it great? Greatness in moderation.

Housework

I am the world's worst house keeper. So yesterday I tried really hard to practice being a good one. You know with my Mother in law coming I want to make a good impression. I did pretty good for the morning, we went to gymnastics and the thrift store. I did homework during Lily's nap. And then in the afternoon, I was going to do some hardcore housework, but I ended up playing with Lily. We found Lincoln Logs at the thrift store. We had so much fun. Then, I forced myself to fold laundry. I only had two loads to fold. I turned on the music, started folding. Then Lily came in and we started dancing, it took me over an hour to fold two loads of laundry and it isn't even all put away now, a day later.

Last night getting ready for bed, Lily started to sing songs and smile and giggle. She was being really, really cute and sweet. This worked for a bit, Jeff and I congratulated ourselves on making such a sweet child. Then, when I picked her up to take her to bed, she got ugly. Screaming, clawing at my shirt, snarling, at least she tried the cute first. So I smile, laugh, dance and sing to get out of housework, Lily does it to get out of bedtime. I prefer to think we are just fun girls who don't like to be tied down with rules. Heaven help me try to learn how to be a good housekeeper.

Today is the next weigh-in for my weight loss contest. It is such a lovely day, and Jeff took the car, so I am walking the three miles to the weigh-in location. Hopefully I will burn some calories on the way. Then I have to walk to Jeff's work, another 1/4 mile and then go grocery shopping. All before noon. I may be too tired to do housework today. At least Jeff's mom will get to see that her son is a saint, who has to endure an evil wife. Isn't that what every MIL wants?

Updated: I lost another three pounds at the weigh in bringing me to a total of 15 lbs in 6 weeks, only one week to go.

Average Loser

We had our third weigh-in for The Biggest Loser contest. Can you believe it has already been 2 weeks since the last one? This time I lost 1 and a 1/2 pounds, which was a bit of a let down.

However, this does bring my 4 week total to a whopping 12 lbs, and that is good. Also, I have been exercising for 6 consecutive weeks. I don't know I have ever stuck with it that long before. I have noticed a difference. Not just in my abilities at the gym, but in my day to day life as well. I no longer have aches and pains. It no longer hurts my knees to walk down the stairs, etc. So I may not be winning the contest but I am feeling a bit better and on the right track. I wouldn't say that I feel like a new person, I think the changes so far have been creeping up on me and very small, perhaps as I get smaller the changes in how I feel will get bigger.

The Biggest Loser

Have you been wondering how I am doing in the biggest loser contest? Are you impressed I learnt how to spell loser? Today we had our first weigh-in and I lost 10.5 lbs. I will find out shortly where my team stands against the other teams and how I am doing individually. I am very excited and proud. It is nice to be successful.

If you are wondering my secret. I am eating less and exercising more. Seriously, I try to avoid wheat and sugar but otherwise I eat nummy food in small portions. I try to ask myself if this food is going to feed my body or feed my fat. I eat about a 1/4 of what I think I need, I leave the table still a bit hungry. If I am still hungry in a couple of hours I might have a nibble of some fruit or cheese. I tried a bite of everything in China, mmm it was all so good. For exercise I go to the gym everyday, even when I really don't want to, except the day before yesterday and not while I was in China. I do weights and cardio. In China we walked for at least two hours everyday and I did climb the Great Wall of China. Anyways, I push myself as hard as I can manage. I am always a bit sore and hungry. Still it isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Saying no isn't so hard when you have people routing for you and my dear husband being so supportive and encouraging. So I hope I can keep it up. Two more weeks until the next weigh-in. I still hate exercise and have zero endorphines.

Billy Blanks

I got to meet Billy Blanks yesterday. We got a pep talk and a work out, followed by another pep talk. It was quite inspiring. I will never buy another exercise video from anyone else. After giving three free chances to meet him, get the pep talk and work out, Billy went to the high school and gave a speech to the kids. I am very impressed. I am sure he told us a lot of wonderful advice, but after my first tae bo workout I was a bit tired and don't know that it all made it into my poor head. Here is what I learned.

• If you try to lose weight, try to go to the gym, try to stay away from cookies, you will fail. You don't try you do. When was the last time you tried to watch Lost, or tried to drink a beer, or tried to finish off the potato chips?
• If you believe you can lose weight, believe you can accomplish your goals, you will fail. You can't believe you have to know it. I know I will take care of my girls tomorrow, I know I will go to the bathroom tomorrow, I know I will go to the gym tomorrow. Don't believe it, know it.
• You are a really strong person. No really you are really strong. The strongest thing about you is your will. It may seem to you that your will is weak because of all those cookies, but you are incredible. Next time you go to the gym, notice all will power you posses. I know I want to stop after 30 seconds, but I keep going. Will power, my strong mind. I know that when my feet start to hurt, when I get hot, etc. I want to quit but I don't. Will power, check me out. Same is true with a lot of things, like washing the dishes or getting out of bed at o'dark early to take care of a sick baby. Mind over matter. We all do things everyday that we force ourselves to do because we have to, the same is true of exercise, we have inner strength you and I so let's concentrate on our strength and not our mistakes. Let's think of ourselves as strong people and take the time to acknowledge everyday all the will power we posses, and say, yeah you are strong.
• Finally, be nice. There is a lot of power in being kind to others. Smile, say hello. Tell people they are great. Point out to them their strengths and then you will be surrounded by a bunch of happy people. When you are down they will return the favor.

Don't you just love Billy Blanks.

Beautiful things

I lost two pounds! One week of going to the gym everyday for a half an hour and I lost two pounds, very exciting stuff.

My feet, back, and heel are still hurting; even with new $50 running shoes. I am also feeling like crap emotionally. I thought exercise was supposed to make me happy. I am feeling worthless and snapping at everyone, I don’t think I have been this miserable since I was Mandy’s age. Plus, my period is all wonky. I think my fat is mad and using psychological warfare against me. Just wait until I give up sugar, one more week until the diet starts.

Lily and Jeff have colds, our trip to China is in about a week, so I guess my body is waiting for then to contract this cold. We have to get typhoid shots, I am not sure if I should wait until Lily is feeling a bit better or go ahead and give it to her now. I shouldn’t have procrastinated the shots, but I heard that typhoid shots really hurt and I am such a baby about needles. Lily and I have to get the second shot for Hep A as well. I just hope that we are recovered from all our shots before we get on the plane.

We broke down and bought some furniture at the Bizarre. We spent a ton of money. Local merchants come from all over Japan, twice a year and sell us stuff. We bought two small tables- that we said would be used as night tables in our room, a Japanese sword, and a lamp. The night tables we couldn’t bear to put them in our bedroom, so they are in our living room and our living room tables are in our bedroom being used as night tables. I will try to get some pictures of them to share. They are so very lovely. My table is Japanese and exquisite. Jeff’s is from Tibet. We spent so much money, but we will have these treasures to forever remember our time here in Japan. This is our second big splurge this year. We are being extremely awful with money. I just love to sit in this room with such beautiful things.

a little bit of stress

My exercise program is going ok. My back is much better, which is great. It usually takes about two weeks to feel better, but all this exercise must have helped because it is completely better this morning. But, now my achillies tendon and my arches are hurting. Jeff says I need new running shoes, does anyone have any recommendations? I have never found a pair of running shoes that works for me. When I was younger I used to run all the time and I never had any problems. So I am thinking it is the weight that makes my feet hurt and not the shoes. But, new shoes, who can say no to that? Still I have been to the gym three days in a row, and I went for a walk jog the day before that. So that makes four days of exercies in the same week.

Today Lily and I are beginning our trip training. I am taking her out and about all day on the bus. We are going to be doing a ton of walking, waiting, and even eat lunch out of my bag. I thought we needed some practice. Lily has been a bit wildfire lately and I am so worried about the trip.

Speaking of the trip, we got our passports back from the Chinese Embassy and we got our Visas to China. They are so cool, they have a picture of the great wall. I now have a Visa to Italy, Kenya, Egypt and China. Jeff has Vietnam too. The Visas to Kenya and Egypt were expensive but just a scrap of paper with someone's initials staped to my passport. Very economical. So we are set. Except we are freaking out about what to feed Lily and how she will behave. Should we bring a stroller? Should we bring our carrier? On our last trip we brought about 3 tons of luggage car seat, and a big yellow monkey - we drug it on and off six trains, two planes, taxi cabs, a cruise ship, a rental car, 2 motels -etc. It was hell. This trip we are tempted to just bring the clothes on our backs and a pair of underwear. (and some diapers, no luck on the potty yet).

Biggest Loser

Here on base they are having a "Biggest Loser" contest. Billy Banks is even coming for the kick off. To enter you have to have a team of four people. Jeff asked me if I want to do it with him. He doesn't need to loose any weight, but the winning team gets $2000 and he figures if we both do it, we get 1/2 the money because we would comprise half the team. I must have been on drugs at the time, because I agreed to do it with him. What a bunch of crap.

The contest starts on April 4th, so look forward to me being completely miserable. I wish the gym would pass out narcotics after a good workout. So far this week, before I knew about the dumb contest I have worked out twice, I am in so much pain. Anyways I am hoping that I will get all the pain over with before the contest, just get it out of the way. Well that is how I hurt my back, I am so out of shape that jogging threw out my back and caused me to have an incredibly painful stiff neck. Fun times.

So wish me luck, at becoming a big loser.

Sugar High

Can you tell I have been on a diet? My posts have been all food all the time. Friday, I baked 4 batches of cookies: chocolate chip, snickerdoodles, peanut butter & chocolate crinkle for a Christmas party. I tried them all, it was my first sugar in about a month. Oh my! It was so lovely. I was overcome with happiness, energy and love. I loved everything and everyone. The next morning I woke up with a sugar hangover. For three days I have been sneaking bites of sugary goodness everywhere I can find it. Now I am back on the wagon. Complete with sore throat, aches, depression etc. Those cookies sure were good, perhaps it was all worth it. Today I am going to try to get out of my sugar withdrawls with some fresh air and exercise. Sleeping all day and feeling sorry for myself isn't really working.