Day Three of 190: Are we there yet?

One of my friends who has survived several deployments told me to change up my schedule, and several others have recommended keeping busy. I am not sure I can change my schedule because it basically revolves around Lily, but I will try. Today I did keep busy. We took down the Christmas tree and rearranged furniture.

I am the boss now. I have always wanted to move my office to the living room. I work all day in my bedroom office and then sleep in there. I thought it would be nice to move on out to the living room. Jeff has never liked that idea. But, he isn't here to object. Now I have a lovely big office. I had to rearrange our cable outlet connections, rearrange all the Internet stuff and the furniture. And get the Christmas tree outside. I dumped a bunch of Christmas tree water on the carpet my brand new Sham-wow worked like magic.

I am addicted to those products sold on TV. I never buy them but secretly lust for them all. This year I had no idea what I wanted for Christmas and so I told Jeff to get me one of those crazy products sold in commercials on TV. I ended up getting both the snuggie and the sham-wow. They are both even better than they appear on TV. Plus you can pick them up at Wal-Mart. I know I really do belong in a double wide, don't I? I never ever watch any infomercials or QVC because I would be broke. I think I am overly susceptible to TV ads. However, I am lucky that I am too cheep to buy the stuff, usually. I think a little bit of my crazy is showing today.

Tomorrow Lily and I are going to go have lunch at Chuck E Cheese. I am hoping it is not crowded!

Jeff made it safely to his destination. I got two emails and a phone call today. It still doesn't seem real. I still have a cough, ear ache, and head congestion. I haven't started dieting or exercising. Did I tell you I took down the Christmas tree?

Day Two of 190: Forgot the Garbage

I woke up to the sound of the garbage truck on our street and suddenly remembered that I did not put out the garbage cans last night. I tried to get out of bed and race outside to put them out but I couldn't find my glasses for the longest time. They somehow ended up on Jeff's night table instead of mine. By the time I got my glasses on, my shoes on and the alarm disarmed the garbage truck was long gone.

I had gone to bed only a few short hours before being awoke by the garbage truck. I meant to go to bed early but somehow I manged to stay up until the wee hours of the morning. You would think I would get well faster if I got some rest. No naps today, perhaps that will help me go to bed at a decent time.

My plan is to actually shower and leave the house today.

Day One of 190 (approx): New Year's Resolutions

Jeff is on his way, deployed for six months. It really hasn't sunk in yet.

I have been having a really hard time the last few months dealing with his impending departure. I am hoping that I will deal with the actual departure a little better. He hasn't been home much these past few months due to training and such. Whenever I missed him I would go there, and think about the fact that this is only just the beginning. How will I ever make it. I really am not usually such a wimp. I think that marriage has changed me.

I asked Jeff on the drive to the airport if he thought it was harder to be single and alone or married and alone. I was thinking that being single is harder because at least when you are married you know someone out there loves you and that you will be together again in due course. Jeff didn't agree he thinks that you get used to being single and being away from your family is harder. I don't know what do you think?

I was a single mother for nine years. I would always get mad at people whose husband was away on a business trip or what not and that person would proclaim themselves to be a single parent for the next week or month or whatever. I thought that was a bunch of crap. I mean you are married for heaven's sake you are not single. You have his paycheck, you live in a nice house, you don't have to date, you don't get looked down upon as a poor pathetic single mother. I think that being a married woman with my husband away is different than being a single mother. I am not entirely sure which is harder. I am still leaning toward being single, but I guess since this is day one of Jeff's deployment I may change my mind. I do love his paycheck, my lovely home, and the fact that people treat me with dignity and respect. But, people - "friends" tend to stay away when the husband is away. Isn't that weird? My phone rings all day usually but lately no one calls and when I call everyone is busy. Coincidence? I am thinking my company is not what it used to be.

I have a plan for this deployment. My plan is to go on a diet and exercise plan. My thinking is that I will have something to focus on while Jeff is away. I am thinking that having goals and earning accomplishments will give me a bit of happiness. I am thinking that eating properly and exercising will also help keep the sad funkiness away. Plus it would be really fun to be thinner and sexier when Jeff steps off the plane and we reunite in six short months. Too bad I have a killer flu bug that wont go away. It is in my chest, I get all wheezy and have a coughing fit when I check the mail. Imagine if I tried to jog. I guess I will start with stretches or something. I hope I kick this bug soon. Now I am feeling the beginnings of an ear infection too. whaa poor Marsha.

I was also going to try to blog more. To try to look at the good and write about it to feel a bit better about my life. It really helped me when I was in Japan and a stay at home mom with a terror of a little one. I am hoping that I can get back in the swing of things. I know it isn't really all that interesting to read someone who is trying to always look on the bright side. I am sure a bit of the bitch will slip here and there.

Today Lily and I went through some boxes of photos from before I had a digital camera. She has always wanted a "photo book of Lily" I am terrible and have years and years of pictures from our travels all over the world in a huge box. Some of them aren't even in envelopes anymore. We went through the box and found enough photos of Lily through the years to fill her new photo album. Now she has a photo book of herself. She is so happy. We looked at a lot of pictures of a lot of really good memories. It was very nice. We have a really good life. I noticed and pointed out to Lily how much she is loved, you can really see it in the pictures. She agreed. I especially pointed out in how many pictures her dad is holding her and carrying her and they are both looking so very happy together. That really made her smile.

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas and a great New Year. I look forward to reading all about your new year's resolutions too!

Christmas Came Early

We Celebrated Christmas yesterday. We aren't sure when Jeff is leaving and we thought it might be a good idea to make sure we had a chance to open our gifts together. It was nice. Now we even get a chance to enjoy our presents together until he leaves. Just waiting for a phone call.

We have all come down with a killer flu bug. I have it in my chest. I can't sleep or breath. Fun.

I am trying to keep up my spirits and live in the moment and enjoy these last moments. I haven't really been succeeding at all that. I keep trying.

The last couple of weeks have been misserable for me. I really shouldn't be having such a hard time with Jeff being gone. I was after all a single mother for nine years. I have plenty of money, a nice home, a safe comfortable life. I didn't always have those things and so why am I having such a hard time right now?

I thought that I had grown up and become a person who deals well with adversity. But, the truth is that I married well. The first sign of difficulties and I didn't know how to pull myself up by my boot straps and feel better.

Reading Fair Project

Thanks for all your kind words. I have been having such a hard time lately and the fact that you are so sweet to take the time to write sweet comments is very lovely. I was excited that her picture actually turned out good. So far the pictures we take at home are usually good but the school pictures are usually really bad. So I was excited about that. Too bad I bought the smallest package.

Lily and I spent the entire weekend working on her Reading Fair Project. We did it on her favorite book Pinkalicious. We are entering the family category where I am allowed to help her with all the work. We did it all together. It was a lot of fun. And a lot of work.

Lily has been having a hard time with her dad being away. I have been too. I know that I shouldn't complain because I have a great life. I am just having trouble getting over the hump. Once I get down it is hard to pull myself back up and get over it. Usually Jeff comes home from work and I am instantly rejuvenated. I am not trying to have a pity party. Just one foot in front of the other.

I decided to cut back on some of my volunteer commitments. Especially the ones that are not fun. I figure since I am not being paid I should at the very least be treated well and appreciated. And I figure I should enjoy it.

I am still volunteering about six hours a week at Lily's school. That is fun. Today we have nothing planned except fun. Now that is a good day.

First Grade School Pictures

 

Romantic Getaways

I feel right now as if I am in a sea of unanswered questions and uncertainty. I feel paralysed by all the choices life has to offer. I have a bad habit of wanted to think threw many options before making a decision. I like to collect information, and then weigh the choices thoroughly before I feel good about a decision. Otherwise I am always wondering if I made the right choice.

The best and most fun decision we have to make is about our 10 year anniversary. Jeff and I would like to do something fun. Any ideas? Our tenth is in a year and a month. However, we will not have a lot of time together during that year and a month.

He is currently away in Alabama and the Senior NCO Academy. It is about a three hour drive from our house. He came home last weekend, but isn't planning to come home this coming weekend. He doesn't think we should go up this weekend either. I was thinking it would be fun to go up and get a hotel room for me and the girls. Maybe another weekend. I guess the academy is a lot of work and over the weekend he has special projects and homework and so coming home every week is not going to happen. Seems to me that doing homework would be easier at home with the family, but that probably isn't true.

Jeff and I had originally planned on going to Cancun for our honeymoon, but due to the military stuff we ended up not being able to do that. Instead we ended up going to Cincinnati in November and it was cold, and we stayed at a Howard Johnson.

We are thinking of going to Cancun for our tenth anniversary. In fact we have had that plan since our honeymoon. I am however, worried about being in another country while the girls are here. Even if I ask my parents to come and stay with them, I still worry.

We also thought about renting a cabin in the Smokey Mountains. But, as we researched that trip it sounded like it would be more fun with the girls, than on our own.

Any romantic getaway ideas out there friends?

Picture Day

I have just now returned home from running a check to Lily's school. What a morning I have had. It is picture day for Lily and I somehow forgot to fill out the order form. I remembered to get her all dolled up. At the bus stop it suddenly hit me that I had forgotten to write the check and fill out the order form.

Before leaving for the bus, I was trying to get Lily's hair just right and she was squirming and crying. Mandy was trying to get a paper, which is due this morning, to print. I got so frustrated I couldn't get a braid in Lily's hair and I couldn't get Mandy's paper to print. Then Lily started crying that we were going to miss the bus. I got a straight part in her hair and put in a little clip. Lily is growing out her bangs and her hair needed a little help, especially on picture day. I noticed a lot of lint on the front of her navy blue dress and tried to find a lint brush or tape. Couldn't find either, where is all my tape anyways? Not in the tape drawer, but I noticed several new pictures taped all over the house. Lily likes to hang up signs. Boys bathroom, girls bathroom, no dogs allowed, restaurant, etc.

I got Lily to put on her shoes and backpacked, and we were out the door. She was of course upset that we were not the first ones at the bus stop this morning. We weren't last and we weren't late - but we were not first. Lily and I are working on using words and not whining, however that is not yet a skill Lily has mastered. We did get to the bus stop in time to wait about three minutes before the bus arrived. Usually we get there in time to wait at least 8 to 10 minutes. Lily likes to be first. While I am the mom and what time we leave the house is ultimately up to me, I tend to try and pick my battles with Lily.

I find that in a lot of my posts people's comments tend to be, you are such a great mom. Which is very sweet and I appreciate very much the kind words, I sometimes come away thinking that my blog is very self congratulatory. I hadn't intended that to be the case. It sometimes makes writing here difficult. In real life I don't get those comments. In real life I tend to get a lot of unsolicited advice about child rearing. Because in real life Lily is a hand full. I come here as a passive aggressive way of telling the world, mostly people that don't even know I have a blog, that I am to a good mom. I feel the need to explain myself, to say, I have a plan - I am trying hard - please shut up and leave me alone.

I think I have lost track of my story...

I came home from the bus stop and looked for Lily's picture order form and realized it was in her backpack. I thought to myself, it would have been easier to just bring Lily home from the bus stop and get the order form arranged and then drive her to school. But, Lily does not like to be driven to school, she rides the bus and she does not like change. So I decided to drive up to the school and fix it there.

First I noticed that Mandy was in the shower and that the light on my printer was blinking. I unplugged the printer and plugged it back in to discover that a half printed page had been stuck in the printer, what do you want to bet that Mandy's paper had not printed out? I tried to ask her while she was in the shower and she screamed back, I can't hear you can you wait a minute. 15 minutes later she tells me that the printer wont work.

So I fixed the printer, printed her paper, and then drove to the school. I didn't take a shower, had bed hair, and no makeup. wrinkled clothes etc. I hoped I wouldn't see anyone I know. What a morning. I got an order form from the front desk and filled it out, wrote the check. I was supposed to give it to the front desk and let them deliver it to the classroom. However, there was a long line of people who were late getting their kids to school this morning and so I walked down the hall and delivered the check to Lily's class myself, even though that is against the rules.

I got to the class and gave her assistant teacher the order from and check. Earlier I had seen her teacher with another parent in a conference near the office. As it turns out yesterday was my day to help in Lily's class, and the assistant teacher was home with a sick child so I stayed and helped for three and a half hours instead of my normal one hour. It was a lot of fun. So the assistant teacher thanked me for all my help and apologized for inconveniencing me, and I told her it was fun. I forgot to ask her if her son who has the swine flu is feeling better. I have not yet mastered the art of being a southern lady. Damn. I will make a point to ask her on Friday, which is my other day to volunteer at the school.

But, as we were speaking and I was giving her my check. About a dozen kids came out of their seats to give me hugs and tell me very important things. I felt so bad for disrupting the class. Especially since I was not supposed to be there. Not really, that was one of the high points of my life. I love being loved. Lily herself got out of her chair and came up to see me to. Last year the darling didn't even say hello to me when I was at the school and did not like for me to come to her class ever. This year I help in her class and she speaks to me, but never hugs me. I was thinking I was going to get a Miss Lily hug at school. I wrapped my around around her and she looks me in the eye and said, "You forgot to give me money for the raffle too." No Lily hug.

I gave her a dollar for the raffle and checked her face for crumbs. It is picture day after all. She gave me a sour expression and I told her she was beautiful. She smiled a little and returned to her seat. The other children were still trying to tell me important things. One saw me walking my dog. One lost a tooth. I said goodbye and sorry for disrupting the class and went on my merry way.

What a morning.

Receptive Language Delay: What Works for Me, 1st Grade

Every song I have heard on the radio this week has been a love song. Here I am missing my baby.

Maybe that will give me an incentive to keep up with my blog. A need for someone to talk to, someone to connect with.

In case you are on the edge of your seat wondering how the heck we all are...

Mandy got her license and her car. I am no longer a chauffeur. Not only do I have more free time, but her disposition has dramatically improved. She seeks me out and asks if she can help with chores and errands. I blinked my eyes and she became an adult. A thoughtful wonderful adult.

Lily is about six weeks into the first grade. She is doing well. Her receptive language delay is improving. Her behavior at school is fantastic. Her grades are average. She is still my little genius but she is has a bit of trouble demonstrating her genius on school work. It isn't for lack of trying she whole heatedly applies herself to school. We spend at least an hour usually two working on skills every night. She is steadily improving.

For all my receptive language delay friends, this is what is working for us currently. I have found that at six she physically improved, meaning her ability to process language is better than it was previously. Much of her delay now is caused by habit more than impairment. I work with her on improving her listening. I notice that she tends to tune people out especially when she is stressed or frustrated. She takes her cues from faces more than actual words and she talks over people so she doesn't have to listen.

What works for me... We play a game, I give her three funny things to do. Like - go to your room and punch your pillow, go to the garage and say the alphabet, go to the backyard and find an acorn. She has to listen to all three instructions and then do all three without any reminders. Then she gets to give me three instructions. She often forgets especially if one of the instructions takes time like saying the alphabet, but she is capable of remembering and I feel this game helps her to work that muscle. We get silly and have a lot of fun. There aren't any rewards or punishment we just make it fun, if she forgets I remind her or I pretend to forget to and we talk about it until she remembers.

Homework...Most of the other parents of first graders in my daughter's class spend about 15 minutes a night on homework and we spend at least an hour maybe two. However, we are doing more than they are. We go over things a lot. I make up work sheets that look like the ones she is doing. That way we can go over it together and then she is able to do her homework on her own. Sometimes she has trouble understanding instructions and so it takes me a little time and some ingenuity to explain things like fill in the blank. Lily prefers to pick her favorite word, than read the sentence several times with each of the choices and pick the one that works. She also likes to get done first, which is way more important to her than getting the write answer. I feel that by the end of the year she will be most improved, perhaps. She is on track. And we really enjoy the time we spend together doing homework, weird but true. I am grateful for the opportunity life has given me to be there for Lily.

That is my life in a nutshell. Add in a little volunteer work, a lot of paid work, a lot of dishes and that is it. Hasn't really seemed interesting enough to write about, but I miss you all.

Ramblings from the Hole in the Ground

The process of getting Mandy a driver's license has been a long one. She finally got her license on Monday, yeah. Up until then I was going mad. Driving her to school in the morning (20 minutes) driving home (20 minutes). Driving to her school to pick her up in the afternoon (20 minutes) driving home (20 minutes). Driving her to work (20 minutes in the other direction) driving home. Driving to her work to pick her up late at night (20 minutes) and driving home (20 minutes). I was so excited that she got her license, I thought at the very least I could give her my keys and while I wouldn't have my car at least I could get some work done.

But, Mandy isn't ready to drive on her own. She isn't ready to even drive with me in the car as practice going to and from school and work. Everyday she says tomorrow. So hopefully today she will do some actual driving. I have a lot of empathy, perhaps too much because I really don't like driving either. Funny thing is that all this driving Mandy around, and this has been going on for years, has increased my ease behind the wheel. Perhaps once she starts to do the chore her skills and confidence will improve too. It was really hard for me when we moved here after living in Japan for four years. I hadn't really driven more than a couple of times per month and there we drove on the other side of the road, and the Japanese are much better drivers, there wasn't any tailgating or people drifting into my lane while talking on the cell phone like here. Well you probably remember all my complaining when we got here, right.

In the mean time I have been working very hard trying to get a car for Mandy. The girl has been working since she was 12. Doing her paper route, summer jobs, and for the last two years she has been working at a grocery store as a cashier. She has saved enough to buy a car. I have been taking her car shopping everyday. Even though she would rather be taking a nap. I am dragging her into this buying a car and driving yourself around thing. I feel guilty, like she will get hurt in an accident and it will be all my fault because she never wanted to drive in the first place. But, not really, she is an adult and needs to start driving herself around. And she really needs to not get in any accidents ever!

The first car she fell in love with was a Silver VW Bug with a stick. She had to have that car, and she promised to learn to drive a stick. I could just see another two and a half years of trying to teach her to drive a stick, meanwhile me spending all day everyday driving her around. I took her to more car places. I would spend the entire day looking for cars for her and then taking her to show them to her. I know I am a terrible mother and should be making her do all this on her own. But, I am tired of the driving her around and the dragging her feet on getting a license and driving and I deal with frustration best by either yelling or working hard.

Yesterday I found another VW bug that was also silver, had less miles and was an automatic. So I took her to see the car. On the way there I told her this car did not have a cd player, she told me to just turn around and go home, there was no way she was buying a car without a cd player. She would just learn to drive a stick. yeah right. I almost pulled over and beat her on the side of the road. So we went to look at the Bug and the dealer said it wasn't there, that one of his guys uses it to run errands and wont be back with it until later. That they love the car and we will love it too. We left our name and number and by the way he never called us. Anyways, I said do you have any other cars in our price range as long as we are here and he said that he specializes in our price range and every car on the lot would be in our price range. I think I heard angels singing.

So I drug Amanda around the lot. And that is when she fell in love with a little red Mustang Coupe, automatic with leather interior. I thought we should take it for a test drive, she said no she wants to do that with her dad. She feels like we are leaving him out of the process and that he should be the one to test drive it with her, take it to the mechanic and negotiate the price. I was seriously trying not to strangle her, but ok dad can do the rest. I asked how late they are open and the guy told me 6 or 6:30pm. What is that? Don't people usually have an actual time they close? OK so we are in Mississippi, things are more leisurely and not ridged with like opening and closing times or having the cars you are trying to sell on the lot.

Jeff meanwhile was trying to pass a gun shooting test. He was out in the firing range and unreachable. I knew that he wouldn't be done until 6pm. I left him messages on his work phone, which I didn't know if he would check before coming home and his cell phone, which I imagined was turned off and he would miss his missed calls and text messages. So Mandy and I drove home.

Jeff called me before leaving work, he passed his gun shooting test. Which by the way gives me enormous knots in my stomach the thought that he has to be able to shoot and clean and load all kinds of big guns as part of his training to be deployed. Not to mention the anthrax and small pox vaccinations and later this month he has to go live in the woods for a week for survival training. This all upsets me. It is only a week or two until he goes off to survival training and then a week or so after that he leaves for the senior NCO academy for six weeks and then it is the big deployment for six months. I seriously cannot write the stuff on the calendar because it upsets me too much. Like if I don't write it down or actually know the dates it wont really happen. So he calls me and I ask him to meet us at the dealer on his way home from work. It is less than a 1/2 mile from his work.

Jeff feels that isn't a good idea and we should WAIT until Friday when he is off from work for him and Mandy to go and test drive one or both of these cars etc. I try to explain to Jeff, why I am determined to get this done. He thinks that he wouldn't be able to get the car inspected at 6 in the evening. He asks me if I know how late the mechanic is open. He doesn't want to have to go there and then go back again later. Just wants to get it all done at once. Mandy agrees with her dad. There is a lot of back and forth, like ok I will go - no you don't have to if you don't want to - no I'll go - whatever you think is best. And it ended up that he didn't go. But, he called me back to tell me that he appreciates how hard I have been working and he and Mandy will get a car on Friday, I don't have to worry about it anymore. Except, I am still missing out on a bunch of stuff I wanted to do today because I am spending the day driving Mandy around and then I have to go with Jeff to an award or induction ceremony tonight so I need to somehow manage to get my work done, dinner, homework, etc all by 6pm. We could have had a car last night.

Meanwhile, Lily is having a nervous breakdown. She was speaking to me while I was talking on the phone trying to convince Jeff to drive .5 miles after work and look at a damn car and Lily lost it. She spent the next two hours screaming at the top of her lungs. She has been reverting to her fit throwing self since school started. Change is hard on the girl. Plus, I think she needs a tad more sleep. I had promised a neighbor that Lily could come out and play but I had to call and cancel, her little boy was disappointed, I felt bad. I told Lily she had to stay in her room until she stopped crying. That took awhile. My nerves were shot. She finally cried herself to sleep and slept for about an hour and a half before I woke her up. Then she ate dinner, did homework, took a bath and went back to bed. All without crying. Boy was she mad at me. This morning she was very sweet too.

Basically yesterday as I sat at the dinner table looking around at my sweet family I was thinking about how all three of them needed to be smacked. And then as I stayed up until after midnight doing my job, while my dear family all slumbered peacefully. No doubt thinking of ways to spend the money I am was earning.

I feel like I have dug myself into a hole and can't find the way out. So how are you all doing? I apologize for not editing this post, I have to leave to drive Mandy to school now.

Bones.

Lily has become fascinated by bones. I am more than likely to blame. She had a classmate who broke a leg. Later she hurt her leg and asked me a lot of questions basically wanting to know why she didn't get a cast too.

Months and months later she is still asking me about bones. Pretty much everyday she asks me a question or two about bones. I even considered getting a skeleton model for Lily for her birthday present. I couldn't bring myself to do it and got her barbies and junk like that instead. One time when she was facinated by time I got her a watch for Christmas. I gave her the watch at a Christmas party as the gift from Santa. She was really upset that Santa gave her a dumb watch instead of toys like the other kids. So I got her regular girly stuff for the birthday and I am doing the wacky educational stuff outside of the birthday / Christmas presents.

Recently we went to the library and we got every reference book we could get our hands on about bones. She begs me to read her these books all day long. We are having a blast learning all about the human body. She really likes the immune system too, there are cool pictures of antibodies attacking germs. I posted this to facebook and the next day one of my friends brought me books and a skeleton of the spinal cord. Her husband is a Physicians Assistant and had all kinds of medical stuff lying around their house. I was really excited. We were both volunteering at the first day of school breakfast for Kindergarten moms. We were trying to coerse them into devoting all their free time to the school like we do. They probably think we are nuts, skeletons and hugging? Kinda weird.

I was thinking of going to a radiologist and begging to see some xrays. Lily really wants to see some xrays. The letter X and bones. It is our current mission in life to see an xray. Preferably with a real broken bone. Maybe we will bring cookies. What do you think? Do you think we can coerce someone into letting us see a real xray?

Daddy Magic

Yesterday, after swim lessons Lily and I were on our way to the gym. I cannot remember the reason but we got in a huge fight. She was being awful. She was saying mean things and wouldn't stop. When we arrived at the gym, as we got out of the car her face was covered in tears.

We had to walk right past the building where Jeff works to get to the gym. I always park next to his truck but I usually don't stop it and say hello. But, yesterday I did stop it. I looked horrible. Jeff works with a lot of beautiful women who are always very put together. I was in sweats, no shower, probably left over makeup under my eyes, hair a disaster...

The second we walked in the door, Jeff was standing right in the lobby with all the pretty girls. Lily saw her daddy and her mood instantly changed. She went from being so upset she couldn't stop sobbing to being as happy as you please. I mean instantly like a light switch. She is daddy's little girl. Although I am not allowed to call her little anymore. Might have even been the reason she was mad at me. Who knows.

Lily and I are so close. We are peas in a pod. We mostly get along great. But, when we both get upset at the same time it is a problem. Neither of us likes to back down. Anyways, Jeff has such an effect on her. She always lights up full of such joy whenever she is around her daddy.

Great medicine. We went on to the gym and had a great work out. I still hurt. By the time we were walking back to the car she was again upset with me about something. I guess the daddy magic only lasts so long. So glad they are so close. I actually feel that way around Jeff too. He gives off happy vibes like a drug. I don't know what to call it, he is just nice to be around.

Fort Wayne and Chicago

Our trip continued after Memphis to Fort Wayne, Indiana. Mandy and I were living there when I met Jeff. He was stationed in Italy at the time. We even got married in Fort Wayne. We visited a few friends, saw our old stomping grounds, spent a day at the zoo, etc.

The rest of the photos here are from the next stop on our road trip which was Chicago. It was raining the day we arrived and again the day we left, however to day we spent walking around seeing Chicago was absolutely gorgeous. I Hope you enjoy the pictures.

Looking through all of these shots brings back memories of the day. We had such a great trip. I enjoyed the time spent with my family. We were in a small car or small hotel room for about 10 days. It was fun.

I try not to think about the fact that Amanda is 18 and bound to leave home and spend less time with us eventually. Or the fact that Jeff will be deployed for six months. Did I tell you that he is also been chosen to go to the Senior NCO Academy in October? Which means he will be gone for October and November - come home - leave toward the end of December - not come home until early July. Plus he has to go away to get training for his deployment, I guess that will occur sometime between now and October. Been nice knowing you hun.

Seriously though we are going to be fine. I have a lot of great friends and a busy school year planned. I am on a ton of committees for school and the American Cancer Society. So hopefully I will see people and not become a hermit.

What all that has to do with Chicago and Fort Wayne, who knows. I think what I was going for is that our time together was tinged with the thought that we would soon be apart and we were all extra sweet and extra patient.

Memphis on the 4th of July

On our road trip to a wedding in Wisconsin we decided to make a few stops along the way, the first one being Memphis on the 4th of July. We arrived in the early afternoon, we stayed right downtown in a lovely hotel. It was across the street from the Peabody, but alas we didn't stay in the Peabody. We did walk threw the loby and wow!

We spent the afternoon wandering the streets. We discoverd a lovely theater which was showing the play Wicked. We tried to get tickets but they were sold out. They told us about a lottery to get tickets. We had to show up two hours before a show and sign up and 20 tickets be available if your name is pulled, well two per name pulled. The first time we tried our name wasn't pulled. There was a lady who was very upset because all the names pulled were people who were the last ones in line to sign up at the lottery. Upon closer inspection it appeared as if the upset screaming woman was correct. So, for the next show we came late to the lottery and we were the last ones to put our names in the mix. And yes, we were chosen, yeah.

Mandy and I got dressed up and saw the most amazing play, Wicked while we were passing through Memphis. I am going to go out and read the book now too. If you get the chance you should see this performance it was WICKED! Totally ok for kids to see too!




We noticed in Memphis that no one walks the streets during the day. But, about 5PM the streets are alive. We went down to the water front (Mississippi River) to see the fireworks. We waited about 30 minutes after they were scheduled to begin. The crowd was getting restless, and when I say restless I mean, starting fires in the crowd that were at least 12 feet high and throwing fire works at strangers in the crowd. It seemed less than fun to continue to stay so we started walking back to our hotel. Lily doesn't like crowds and neither do I for that matter and it was a scary crowd. As we walked back to our hotel we could hear the thunder of the cannons and sometimes we caught glimpses of fireworks from between the buildings. I regret not staying a little, but sometimes it is better to be safe than sorry especially with a little one.

We also sampled the ribs had some fun shopping. Memphis was fun, but I am not so sure I would want to go back with kids. I guess it would have been better if we did Graceland and the zoo - Aquarium stuff??

Are Girls Sillier Than Boys?

We woke up yesterday morning and before I even saw Lily I could hear her in her room celebrating the fact that it was finally JULY. Before we even said good morning to one another Lily asked me, do you know what today is? I answered, only the first day of the best month ever. And then I put my hands above my head and threw my head back and made a sound like that of an audience roaring their applause in the background. Imitating a rock star after their final set. Lily liked that image and continued to ask me do I know what today is for the rest of the day. No matter what I was doing I would, answer my answer and do my rock star initiation.

Having a July birthday meant that Lily was the very last one in her class to turn 6. She has been waiting all year as the other kids got to have parties and turn six. Now it is finally here, the month she will turn six. We are also going on vacation this month and she is really excited about that. But, it is all about the turning six - that is two hands baby!

As we were being really silly all day about the fact that it is July, I remember the comment my friend made just the day before. We were at the pool with a friend and her son is SEVEN - wow he is OLD - and she told him at one point that girls are just silly. I heard this comment and I hadn't actually seen what Lily did to illicit such a remark. I was shocked to think that boys are not silly. I asked her and her son about this. I tried to think of all the silly things we do. And there is a lot. And they continuously shook their heads. No, they do not partake in that type of fun.

No, make believe noises. No, pretending to be on the moon and trying to walk in bounding type ways. No, talking in silly voices. No, turning up Van Halen really loud and trying to jump like a rock star. No, bouts of giggles. I have never been the mom of a boy but is it really true? Are boys not silly? Is being silly not something that boys do? How weird. Maybe it is just my friend and her boy. I am trying to wrap my mind around this. It does seem like Jeff just shakes his head at our silliness. But, I married him because he is a nut. He used to do Austin Powers imitations and being a total goofball. Isn't being a goofball the same as being silly?

Maybe some people like to be cool and some people like to be silly. I think it is good when silly people are friends with cool people because they offset each other. But, I never thought of silly and cool being based on gender. Like boys are cool. Girls are silly. What do you guys think are boys silly? Do your little boys like to be silly? Do you think girls are sillier than boys?

goodbye to Daisy

They have decided to send Jeff away to the Senior NCO Academy for six weeks from the beginning of October until the end of November. I have no idea who they is. Meaning, he will be gone for most of Oct and Nov, come home for most of December and then leave again for six months. What is up with all these sixes? Six weeks, six months, ...

I am actually not yet disturbed by the news. I am choosing not to think about it. I am not going to think about it at all until he is home next summer. Next year this time it will be nearly over. Jeff keeps watching me and waiting for me to fall apart, not going to happen.

Speaking of falling apart, we had to put the cat to sleep. It was very hard to know when the time was. We chose sooner rather than later. She wasn't on death's door quite yet. The thought of waiting for her to be miserable broke my heart. It seemed to us that she was not herself. We went to several vets and even saw the tumor in her mouth ourselves. It was also growing in her head and who knows how much that hurt. We tried some kitty chemo type pills and that had no effect. So we decided to let her go before she got even more miserable. She was spending all her time hiding and not really eating very much anymore.

It was quite an ordeal too. We picked a day. Jeff decided to be the one to take her there. We told the girls a few days before so they had a chance to say goodbye. There was a lot of cat holding and crying. Then when the morning came, we could not find the cat. She had chosen a different closet to hide in the back of. I had gotten a hat out of the entry way closet and I guess she snuck in there while I was looking for the hat. We looked and looked, the appointment time came and went. Later we heard her crying and found her in the closet.

The vet said we could call and make another appt when we found her so Jeff called and got a new time in the afternoon. Stupid me, as Mandy was about to leave the house for work I told her we got a new appt and she needed to say goodbye before she left for work. Even though she had been saying goodbye for days, and even got up to say goodbye that morning, she broke down. She was just inconsolable and was even late to work. It was awful, I felt so bad. I shouldn't have done that. Sometimes my brain doesn't work.

Jeff took the cat to the doctor and had to wait alone with Daisy in the room, waiting for the doctor for 5 or 10 minutes, that was hard. So the deed was done and we all had a hard time. Lily and I sometimes think we hear Daisy scratching at the door. Or we see her out of the corner of our eye. Lily talks about it a lot which drives Jeff crazy.

We miss our big fat cat.

I Am 40 Now

My 40th birthday has come and gone. I was so busy with Mandy's graduation and company that I hardly had a moment to give that milestone a second thought. I didn't have the opportunity to ponder my life; am I happy, am I old, am I where I want to be, how can I improve? Probably better not to dwell.

I do know that I have never been happier. Every decade life seems to improve by leaps and bounds. Hope that continues.

This summer I am very busy with work. I work from home on the computer. When my job starts to take more than say 6 hours per day I have trouble spending time doing other things on the computer. I think 6 hours is my limit. I have also become addicted to facebook games and my poor dear blog has suffered. I miss all of you though. So hello, again.

For a while I was considering going back to college this fall and finally getting a degree. I decided to change my degree path yet again and go back to my original goal of becoming a high school math teacher. I was very excited, I applied and was excepted. However, these past few months I have been incredibly busy with work and life and I got to thinking. How in the world am I going to be able to fit school into my schedule. I was also thinking about Jeff's deployment and how that taxes me. I decided to cut back on as much as possible while he is gone in order that I might be half way civil to my kids. I have the worst habit of being horrible to the girls when I am overly stressed. My dear sweet girls are very stubborn and are ALWAYS fighting me and testing me on every thing every day. I strive for a balance of disciple, consistency, and my love of spoiling those dear sweet girls. I tend to fly off the handle at their ungratefulness when I am over my limits. They are ungrateful at times but I want to steer them toward being sweeter by example rather than by screaming criticisms. Strive is the best I can seem to accomplish at times.

I am rather proud to say that my girls are very kind, to people other than their mother. Ha. Both have been showing some good manners on occasion, enough to make me want to weep. I am near to giving up my dream of a degree entirely. Still there is just a glimmer of the dream left in me. Don't feel bad for me. I am the happiest person on earth. I have a lot, just at times I miss a sense of accomplishment. Not that raising two beautiful girls is not an accomplishment. But, the little girl in me still wants to rule the world. Weird but true.

So how are y'all doing? Enjoying the summer?

We are keeping busy with swim lessons and a lot of lazy afternoons in front of the tv while I do my work. I try to throw in some educational stuff for Lily to keep busy. But, honestly it is mostly tv. Trying to find a new path, a rhythm or schedule that is fun and keeps the tv to a minimum. Lucky for me Lily doesn't like tv very much and usually turns it off and goes off in the backyard to play. Yesterday, she cried for hours because she was on a trip to a hotel. She moved all her stuff to the garage. She said goodbye, that she would be away for three weeks. We kissed goodbye. Then when she found out she couldn't actually eat her dinner, take her bath, and sleep in our garage she was very upset. Upset doesn't actually cover how mad she was. She cried so much she fell asleep and then woke up two hours later, after a moment she remembered how upset she was with me, and started the crying again. I was ready to move into the garage myself. Poor Lily, no one understands her.

I think you are all caught up. Except about the family visit and graduation and Mandy. That will all have to wait for another day.

Hello Again Blogging Friends

Several people have told me this week that I need to learn how to say no. I don't think I have a problem saying no. I just have a lot of stuff that I really want to do, and then a bunch of crap I don't really want to do but cannot get out of - like work, cleaning house, cooking...

This week has been something else. Jeff has been in San Antonio and no help at all. Our phone conversations have not been fun. I think mostly because I found out he is going to be deployed in December, this time for sure, for six months. Not sure if I am allowed to say where on a blog.

This was also the last week of Kindergarten for Lily. There were so many fun things to do, I couldn't' resist. One of my friends heard me offering to bring something to the Friday last day of school party while we were at the Thursday picnic in the playground party and knowing how much I had to get done she scolded me about volunteering too much. However, in comparison to cleaning the house for my parents and mother in laws imminent arrival going to a kindergarten party with donuts sounded way more fun. I am almost done cleaning, they are arriving in less than twelve hours. Jeff is coming home in less than four hours. I don't know how much time I will have for cleaning once I start driving. Picking up him and then them...

One of my friends is moving away. I tried to spend as much time as possible with her this week also. At her going away breakfast after our walk, this is my friend who walks with me twice a week and is in better shape so she pushes me to the limit. I will miss that, but mostly I will miss her. She is an amazing person. Her husband deployed she takes on girl scouts, and all kinds of school volunteering, church volunteering, etc. However, she doesn't ever complain. She is a solutions oriented person who always has a kind word and sympathetic ear. I love her. We spent the early part of the week looking for the perfect going away gift. Another friend and I had so much fun shopping in all the quaint little shops around town. We found a fabulous charm bracelet that we fell in love with that was the perfect price. We found all kinds of charms that reminded us of the local charm and Mary. However, when we went to pay they didn't have Mary's size in stock, only one that was twice as expensive. We checked back everyday until they finally got it in stock. That was last week, this week we were getting scared that the bracelet would never arrive. Mandy was out of school, her last day was last Friday, and she still doesn't have her license. I had planned to spend the week making her drive around town. So Monday I had Mandy drive me here there and everywhere while we searched for an affordable not made of plastic bracelet that was the correct size. However, we never found it. Then the original shop finally got the bracelet in stock and I stopped by there on the way home from chaperoning a water fun day for Kindergarten, that was Tuesday. Score.

I better wrap this up without an end. Lily is screaming at me for not paying attention to her for more than 30 seconds and I have a house to clean and a job to do. Just wanted to say hello.

All Over The Place

My parents and Jeff's mom are all coming to Mississppi to see Mandy graduate from high school and to spend some time with us at the end of May. I am trying to come up with a plan so that their vacation here is fantastic. Of course no one has opinions they all want me to come up with the plans, and when I do no one likes my ideas.

When Jeff picks up his mom from the airport he wants to pull into the driveway of the biggest mansion in our area and tell her, we are here mom. Then tell her to get back in the car before she gets arrested. Jeff tells it better. He is so excited.

I have a friend coming over to go walking with me, then I am stuffing envelopes for the PTO, doing my job, making reservations... The end of the school year is wild and crazy. I was putting everything on the calendar last night and it was all a bit much. Glad we decided not to do any extra activities this year. However, next year we are hoping to get into Girl Scouts.

So this post has meandered all over the place. This is my mind. All over the place.

Funny, ha, ha

Right before I met Jeff he saw a stand up performance by Chris Rock where Chris Rock says something to the effect that he would never hit a woman but he would shake the hell out of her. When we first me Jeff told me about that Chris Rock routine and Jeff could quote it verbatem and it was hilarious. I laughed and laughed. He told that a lot, it was his bit.

Now years later I guess he is still doing that bit, but he doesn't really remember all of it. I think he just says I would never hit my wife but I would shake the hell out of her. He told his co-workers, who all happen to be well educated women, about the Chris Rock bit. Later he said it about me, he was trying to be funny but they all just stared at him.

Jeff was telling me about this awkward moment. It made me laugh so hard. I mean I couldn't stop laughing and we were in a restaurant, people were looking at me but I couldn't stop. It was so funny. As I was laughing and Jeff was beaming from having his bit work, I think I understand why people say we are perfect for each other.

I mean when people say that I always think to myself, what does that mean? Does that mean we are both retarded and lucky we found each other or what? But, we do sort of fit.

Jeff is a really nice person. I mean he tries very hard to be very conscientious of other people's feelings. He doesn't even complain or criticise, he gets quiet and you have to pull it out of him, but the thought of him getting all riled up and shaking the shit out of me cracks me up. Then the thought of a room full of women upset with him for being mean or a bully is even funnier!

Receptive and Expressive Language Delay

I wrote here back in the fall that Lily's kindergarten teacher believed that she had something called a receptive and expressive language delay. I agreed with that assessment and was happy to have a name for what I had noticed about Lily. I feel that I have a similar way of perceiving the world and that I completely understand. My perception is that for Lily and sometimes for me the world of language is difficult. For example depending on your skills I would ask, Have you ever listened to a poem and known every word spoken individually but had no idea what was said? But, listened a few more times took some time to concentrate and finally started to understand what the poem was saying. Or the same can be asked about an algebra problem or geometry. Right we have all been in situations where we had to really focus to understand the concepts being told. Where any noise in the room or stray thought could distract us and make the comprehension diminish. This is how Lily feels all the time. While she is capable of hearing and understanding every word spoken to her is difficult to get into her brain, it takes a lot of effort on her part.

The plan was for Lily's teacher to have the speech therapist evaluate Lily. Which happened and the speech therapist said she completely agreed with the teacher because Lily was asked questions and her answers did not match what was being asked. Like she would be asked what she was doing and she would answer about the weather. The teacher said that this would be passed on to the lead teacher who would schedule an appointment for the teacher, parent, speech therapist, and lead teacher to get together and map out a plan.

I never heard back. Finally when I got the first report card after half the year was over I scheduled a conference with the teacher. Meanwhile, Lily was doing great in school and on the standardized tests. I talked to the teacher and she said that Lily is not eligible to meet with the speech therapist or head teacher or to get a plan because her receptive language delay is not interfering with her academically. She then went on to tell me all kinds of things that have happened that indicate to her that Lily is still having the same difficulties in class.

I was upset to say the least. I feel like my kid is being punished because I am an involved parent who works with her at home. I feel that she should be allowed to have the highly paid, highly educated experts take a look at her situation and give us some guidance. I am doing my best but some expertise might make a huge difference in Lily's development. I am not asking for her to be pulled out of class on a daily basis and privately tutored, I am asking for a meeting, for some input. But, no at Lily's school you have to be failing to be eligible for help. Even if you have a learning disability and there are people in the building specially trained in this stuff they wont even speak to me unless she is failing. Am I the only one who thinks this is a bunch of crap?

Lily's teacher is great, most of the time. She tells me when Lily is struggling with something and I work with her at home. She often times doesn't understand the instructions and I have to explain it at home. I guess I am finding a way to get into her head because so far I have been able to help her understand things that she fails to understand at school. One time her teacher pulled her ear and told her to use her ears and listen. Which upsets me because that seems unfair when it is so much harder for Lily to listen than it is for the other children. I called her and spoke to her about the ear thing, Lily says her ear was pulled the teacher said it was touched, either way I didn't like it. I didn't say that but having made the phone call meant it didn't happen again.

Lily's school work often comes home with the words, follow directions or listen to your directions written on the paper. Lily asked me one time if it was ok if she tears up those papers and throws them away. I said yes. We go over the directions and recreate the page and she does it the way the teacher wanted but the paper with the mean words Lily tears it up. She then wads it up and then we take turns stomping on the paper and throw it away. Lily likes that. She hates being corrected. She gets corrected all the time because she mostly doesn't hear the instructions. So, I let her take out her frustrations at home.

So, why is Lily doing so well academically and on the standardized tests if she has a receptive and expressive language delay? Because she is brilliant? Just kidding. She really has a strong desire to do well. She is very motivated. I am not really sure that I instilled that motivation in her. I encourage that motivation and reward that motivation with a lot of praise but she has that in her. IF a child doesn't have the internal motivation to want to do well in school I don't know how you would put it there.

Working with her I try to be there for her, to encourage and to explain things in non-verbal ways as much as possible. I let her explain it back to me. I take the time to listen to her. I think that hearing how her mind is working helps me to be able to fit the missing pieces into her head in a way that she can understand. I have her draw me pictures of the classroom or playground when she is trying to explain things to me.

The number one most important piece of advice I can give is to focus on the strengths. If a child loves something and is interested in something focus almost all the attention on that and just do enough to get by on the areas where they are struggling. I know that sounds exactly the opposite but it facilitates the love of learning and their interests change. It also helps to not build up a hate or frustration.

Any receptive and expressive language advice out there?

Relay for Life

We all had a great time at the relay.

I baked, and baked for the bake sale, so did all my friends. There wasn't the turn out we expected and we ended up with a lot of left over goodies. Which was a disappointment.

The relay was supposed to go from 5pm until 5am on Friday. Jeff arrived at the venue around 8am. He called me around 10:30am to join him for lunch. I ended up getting a lot of phone calls, I tried to get the last sheet of cookies baked from the batch I was working on, I took a shower and I didn't end up getting to the field until after 11am. Not bad I thought. By then Jeff was busy with other things and instead of going to grab a quick lunch he put me to work. I was kneeling in the field putting up the cancer eduction signs and ended up getting a stinging rash on my legs from something I knelt in, I also got a sunburn. Then we got lunch. I didn't get home until almost two and therefore didn't end up baking any more cookies. Which is good since I didn't sell half of what I had already baked.

I then drove around delivering t-shirts to my team. Got home just in time to get Lily from the bus. She had spent the day outside for field day. She was covered in bug spray, sun tan lotion, sweat and a sunburn. I decided what she needed was a bath. I felt it would be more comfortable for her to spend the night outside if she wasn't all itchy and gross the whole time. She was not amused. This was not a part of the plan. We had discussed the plan for weeks and she was furious with me that I was giving her an unscheduled bath and we were leaving an hour late. I also made her eat a good meal. We made it to the relay by 4pm. Lily was clean, re-sprayed with bug spray and had a belly full of nutritious food. She spent the rest of the night eating pizza, hot dogs, cookies, brownies, cupcakes and I don't even know what else.

My friends came out and stayed for hours and hours. Everyone put an enormous amount of effort into the event. We had so much fun together. It was a swirl of activity and it was 5am before I had a chance to blink.

Lily slept from around 9:30 until 11 or so, and then she was up for the rest of the night. She must have ran 10 miles. She just kept running and having a blast. She won a whistle at one of the game booths and blew that thing all night. Drove loads of people mad, they complained about the whistle a lot. She would get upset when I asked her to stop. Mostly I thought that with the loud music and general loudness of the event that a whistle added to the overall party atmosphere and mostly I let her blow it to her hearts content. There were other types of noise makers as well.

At the end the three of us, Jeff, Lily and I carried our baton and our sign around the track together. It was fun.

I saw girls there who were not much bigger than our Lily and they were wearing the purple t-shirt indicating that they were cancer survivors. Lily was walking and talking with the girls, I was behind them a bit. I just tear up at the moment to see Lily so full of health and life running around a track until 5am. I cannot imagine how it would be to endure having a child sick with cancer. So glad to see those two girls full of health and vigor at the event. This is why I relay - I love to see so many survivors and I want to contribute to more people having a good outcome.

During this journey to the relay, the months of meetings and emails that brought us to the night, I met so many wonderful people. Cancer survivors and others like me who have been touched by cancer via family members. So many of these folks work so hard and with such grace. There are the frustrations and the complainers but overall I witnessed the most amazing bits of human spirit during this journey. I hope to learn to be less of a complainer and more of a -I don't know what to call it - a person who works hard toward a goal and lets it all just roll off their back with a great attitude and never sweats the small stuff.

If you ever are lonely I recommend volunteering, you meet the best people and your outlook on the world is forever changed.

Relay for Life

It is finally here tonight is the relay. Thanks to everyone who sponsored me. I hope I will be able to entertain you with great stories when it is all done. I am currently baking oatmeal chocolate chip cookies for our team's bake sale. Baking all day, walking all night.

If you are interested in sponsoring me you can go here: http://main.acsevents.org/goto/marshamlow

Please help me raise more money than Jeff!

Busy, Busy Me

Mandy had her prom last Saturday. What a day. She had taken the day off from work but was asked to come in from 8am until noon to help in the flower department. So many people were getting bouteniers and corsages and they needed Mandy. So she got up early, her least favorite thing in the world and went in to work. I often worry that she is not helping around the house and therefore has entitlement issues and I have raised one of those people. It turns out she puts others first, except at home. I can live with that.

I put her hair up in rollers. I love fixing hair. I am not great at it but she was happy with the results. I did her make up once a few years ago and she hated it. Mandy almost never wears makeup so she had her friend come over to help.

I tried to get my work done, which is up to about six hours a day now, in the morning. Lily had some sort of virus and was throwing up. I spent the entire morning cleaning up puke and tending to Lily. I then planned on doing my work after Mandy left for the prom. However, Mandy's friend's mom came to the house along with her daughter and decided she couldn't figure out how to drive home and back again and invited herself to stay at our house until the girls came home from the Prom. I ended up not being able to do my work until Sunday. Which I usually have off. I emailed my boss and asked permission but she ended up not getting the email and gave me hell about it.

Mandy's date decided to come and pick up the girls first and then the other boy. Mandy's friend's mom was not going to be able to get a picture of her daughter's date. So I offered to drive behind the kids to the next house, where we took even more pictures. After the kids left we got the other mom and the three of us went to Wal-Mart where we printed out and shared all the pictures we had just taken. We got frames for our favorites and the girls came home to an album and framed pictures of thier night.

We moms then went out to have some coffee and visit. When they closed down the coffee house we went back to my house and watched what turned out to be everyone's favorite movie - Ever After! A very fun night, worth getting trouble for blowing off work. I really tried to get it done.

This entire week is going to be so busy too. Saturday is the Relay for Life. I am a team captain for the first time this year. It turns out that Mandy's senior trip is also this week so she will not be able to help out. My team is having a bake sale. This week I am baking and getting the sign ready etc. Wish me luck!

Thanks to everyone who has sponsored me. I will take lots of pictures and tell lots of stories. If you would like to help me raise money for the American Cancer Society by sponsoring me to walk all night long click here!

Jeff's Daughter

Lily is out in the backyard. She is wearing her nightgown and rubber boots. She is watering her flowers with the hose. Her flowers are leaves she has picked off of various trees and planted in the sand patches in your yard. She is also watering the dog occasionally. Did I mention that she brushed her own hair today?

The two of them, Jeff and Lily - today is my day off, went to the movies today. She was dress, bright turquois outfit with her turquis rubber boots - decorated with large white polka dots. But, she changed back into a spongebob nightgown as soon as she walked back through the door. That girl has always had a great love of boots.

Crazy Daisy has Cancer

I have just come home from the vet and it is a big ass cancer tumor growing in her head. There is a finger like piece in the back of her mouth growing out of her tongue. You can feel it on the outside along her neck. It is pushing against the back of her eye. Her head isn't that big but this mass is big enough that it is already made her lose her vision and is causing her to have discomfort when she eats.

I just don't know what to do.

I feel bad saying this but, we spent $200 now in trial and error to figure out what was wrong. Turns out no one kicked her. Which is good in a way, because now I don't have to go buy a shot gun or anything. But, this is worst case scenerio.

They tell me for $300 I can have a biopsy and find out what type of cancer and how long she has to live. This thing is in a place that there is no way they can remove it.

They tell me I can spend $500 and have the finger like thing sticking out of her throat/tongue cut out and a biopsy to know what it is. Still wont save her forever but could make her more comfortable until it grows back. Then she could have some steriods to slow down the growth.

Is it just me or does that sound a little like torture the poor thing while prolonging the inevitable. A part of me doesn't even want to put those damn drops in her eye anymore because she hates it so much.

I did let her go back outside. She has been so sad not to be able to go out and sit in the sun. I was afaid of some evil person kicking her, but I guess that is not a fear anymore.

How long do you wait to put them out of their misery. I mean do you do it while they are still feeling alright so they never have to suffer too much or wait until they can barely move?

I feel so bad for being mad at her for peeing all over the house. I can't help but wonder if this was caused by all those damn flea drops.

I put some baking soda in her water because I read on the internet one time that baking soda is the cure for cancer.

The Cat

A couple of weeks ago I noticed my cat was not eating. My cat never misses a meal. She follows us around crying until we feed her. But, on this day she had spent the entire day in the closet and then didn't ask for dinner or breakfast the next morning. I then went into the closet to investigate.

I noticed that her eye was swollen and weepy so I called the vet and scheduled and appointment. I thought perhaps she had an allergy or a cold. I really wasn't all that concerned. I packed Daisy up in her cage and we were off to the vet.

When the vet pried her eye open we noticed that the eye was full of blood. The inside of the eyeball was swollen and completely filled with blood, you couldn't even see the color of her eye. The vet told me it was an injury. Like a kick to the head. The impact was one of great force, but it couldn't be from a car because there wasn't any other injuries. She checked Daisy for broken teeth, broken bones in her face, shoulder etc. The whole time I was feeling sick to my stomach. It was such a shock I wasn't prepared to hear this.

When the vet took Daisy to the operating room so that the other vet could take a look I called Jeff on the phone and explained what was happening. Saying the words out loud made me start to cry. I couldn't stop either, I was crying for the rest of the appointment and while scheduling the follow up appointment. The thought of one of my neighbors kicking my cat in the head feels like such a violation. The thought of Daisy enduring such trauma is also incomprehensible to me.

The second vet had to see Daisy because the first vet would not be in the office on the day of the follow up appointment. The second vet said she thought the eye looked like a tumor and not trauma to her. Which would mean Daisy didn't get kicked but was going to die. Which is worse?

On the second visit her eye had improved quite a bit and it was then determined by the second vet that she indeed was kicked in the head. Today we are going for another follow up.

I have had to put drops in her eyes. I think they burn too because Daisy freaks out. She has lost vision in the eye. She might have to have her eye removed. Last week there was still so much blood that we couldn't tell what was going on.

Our cat has another problem. She pees all over the house. She always has. The vet from about 9 years ago when we first rescued her from the mean streets of Italy told us, that is the way she is and she was at that time too old to be retrained. Either live with it or put her to sleep. We have lived with it for 9 years now. She only pees on tile floors and bathtubs. I think if it was carpet it might be harder to clean. Our dog pees on our bed every once in awhile which is worse. But, waking up and stepping in cat pee while your eyes have not yet opened all the way is a pain. She never does it in the same spot either so I am always having to search for where she peed.

A day or two before she got kicked in the head she had peed right in front of the closet in the entry way of our house. I was in bare feet and trying to find an umbrella for Mandy. It was before six in the morning and I was not all together awake. Stepped in cat pee, in bare feet and slipped and fell and hit my head and hip. I was not happy. When I told Jeff how upset I was, he said maybe it is time we put her to sleep. We were so smug in our condemnation of the kitty. A few days later I am sobbing at the vet. Perhaps this was karma? For saying such mean things. There has always been a part of me that does not like Jeff's cat. He is the one who rescued her before we were even married. I guess now we have bonded because I am the one taking her to the vet, crying, giving her drops four times per day etc.

I am scared to let her go outside. She is scoping out the doors. Hiding behind things and trying to make a break for freedom every time we open a door. The other day Lily's teacher called on the phone and while I was talking to her Lily opened the door and let the cat outside. I have no idea why. I was still listening to the teacher and I went outside to try and catch the cat who promptly found a loose fence board and scurried to the empty lot (forest) next to our house. I walked back to the house and Lily had locked the door. I have no idea what was going through her head, she did finally let me in. I am afraid her teacher must think I am retarded after that conversation, I don't think I was really all there. Later I went outside and called Daisy and she came back through the fence and ran in the back door. What a relief I was really worried.

I don't understand why she would want to go outside if that was where she was assaulted. Is she dumb? The peeing all over the house instead of her litter box seems to suggest that she is dumb. She does pee in her litter box sometimes, we keep in clean, scooping immediately if it is dirty. There doesn't seem to be any reason that I can think of why sometimes she just uses the floor instead. I wonder how long the vet is going to milk this trauma. Making me come back for check ups etc? So far we are up to about $150.

A New Quilt

For Mandy's 18th birthday present I thought long and hard about what to get for her. I wanted it to be something she could keep forever and mean something to her but not cost a lot of money. She told Jeff that she wanted a new bread spread for her birthday present. I thought that was boring. Jeff is the type of person who gives me a list of what he wants for a present for birthdays and Christmas, I would rather be surprised. I would rather buy from the heart and get you the most wonderful and perfect present you didn't even know you wanted. More often than not people don't like my crazy gifts, but every once in a lifetime I will find the perfect gift for someone.

I happened to be on the website Brad's Deals while I was thinking about Mandy's gift and came across a special at Overstock.com on Egyptian Cotton Sheets. I asked Mandy if that was something she would like and she was overjoyed. She picked the black ones and they arrived and weeks later are still in the package unwrapped. Mandy loves Egypt more than any other place she has ever been and she loves to sleep. That may have been a miss. I am thinking of going in her room (something that is forbidden) and putting those damn sheets on her bed!

Mandy also wanted a new bedspread, too. We took her out shopping to all the stores and she found nothing she liked. Nothing. We talked and I offered to make her a quilt like I made for her sister. She wanted me to make a dragon in the middle of her quilt. I have trouble sewing a straight line if someone else threads the machine. I did some research and discovered that at Art.com they sell something called a fabric poster. We found the most perfect one, it is of two dragons around a yin/yang symbol. When it arrived in the mail we discovered that a fabric poster is a very fine delicate material like a silk handkerchief. We then went to the fabric store and picked out some fabric for the rest of the quilt. We discussed and I drew several designs until we found a design that Mandy liked. Then I put it on the computer to show her what the final quilt would look like and she was not happy so we re-made the design again. Now all we have to do is buy the fabric and make the quilt. I have to do the measuring again with the new design first and figure out how much fabric and how big to cut the pieces.

I have only ever made on quilt before and I had all that stuff figured out for me. It is very difficult to design a quilt from scratch with absolutely no experience. I miss my Grandma who passed away from Cancer last year. She was the one who quilted and got me to do my first quilt. She taught quilting classes. I would visit her sometimes as a little girl and she would teach me to crochet, knit, sew and we even made homemade pasta one time. We had it strung all over the house to dry, enormous 6 foot or longer strings of pasta hanging everywhere, such a vivid memory. I hope that this all works out and the quilt is lovely. I think it will be memorable something to last a lifetime? I it doesn't end up at the bottom of her closet like the one I made for Lily. I keep telling myself that someday that quilt will mean something to her. So far not so much.

I promise to someday take pictures and show you all the stuff, for now you will have to use your imagination.

Good Luck

I have been feeling a bit sorry for myself this year. I have never been this sick in my life. I am getting better now. Just building up my strength. On top of that I have felt like I have been having a string of bad luck a mile long. Nothing major just a frustrating couple of months. Poor Marsha.

Last night I called my parents to check in and say hello. They told me that my brother's house burned down, and on the way to the hospital to visit his father in law who was hurt in the fire their van was totaled by someone who ran a red light.

My understanding is that they are all battered and bruised but will be OK. I am no longer feeling sorry for myself.

I hope everyone can send your good thoughts and/or prayers to my brother and his family.

Questions

Lily is going through another one of her asking questions phases. I have been trying to keep track of some of the best questions to share. I always try to answer her questions using language she can understand. Every single questions, Jeff usually says, "I don't know".

I can remember when we first got married, Jeff was often bothered by all the questions I asked him. I guess Lily comes by it naturally. I have to say that I enjoy our philisophical discussions, perhaps that says something about me - my favorite person to philosophy with is a five year old. Perhaps because she almost always takes my word for everything.

On to the questions...

• What is the last number?


• Where does the sky stop?


• Where does outerspace stop?


• What happens if I don't stop growing, will my head bonk the sky when I am 1000 years old?


• How old will you be when I am 100?


• What is 19 thousand plus 19 thousand?


• Where was I when you were a baby?


• Why do people die?


• How old will I be when I die?


• What would happen if the earth turned upside down, would we walk on the sky?


• Will I be taller than you?


• When will I be taller than you?


• When will I no longer be your daughter?


• What happens if I don't get married?


• Why are there so many cities and states?


• Is Japan in the world?

Isn't she fun?

Credit Crunch: Credit score is over 800 still I was denied $300 credit

What? Here is the story.

My 18 year old daughter and I spent the day at the community college she plans to attend in the fall, because we are good with money and know we cannot afford a four year college. This is why my FICO score and my husband's FICO score are both above 800. Our only debt is our house and our new car. Nothing else, no student loans, no medical bills, no credit cards, etc. We do have several credit cards in our wallets with nice limits, but we pay them off every month. We like to use them as much as possible and collect points for free stuff. We are currently saving points for airline tickets to Lake Tahoe in 2011.

Mandy and I stopped by the bank on our way home from the college day. Her bank where she has several thousand dollars saved and where I also have an account and have several thousand dollars saved, they do not allow kids under the age of 18 to have a debit card or checking account. Now that she has turned 18 I wanted her to get a checking account, a debit card and a credit card. I want her to start to build credit and learn to pay bills. It is hard to figure out money and no matter how many things people tell you, the skills come from handling money.

I was planning to co-sign for Mandy's credit card. We asked what was the smallest limit they offered and it was $300. We filled out all of Mandy's information, she earns more than a thousand dollars per month at her job and has a savings account with several thousand dollars, a history with this bank but no credit. We filled out my information, I make a little under a thousand dollars per month at my part time job. They looked us up and said that I cannot co-sign a loan for Mandy because my house payment plus my car payment each month add up to more than what I earn each month. Even though both of those items the house and car are in both my husband and my name, they will not let me co-sign for a $300 credit card for my daughter because I don't personally earn enough money, my husband has to sign for the credit card. So if he were deployed right now we would not be able to borrow any money. They cannot look and see how much my husband makes even though we are both liable for the payments.

Does that make sense?

I just wanted to point out to the universe how the credit crisis is effecting women. All women who have chosen to be the primary care giver of the family, if you chose to put your family first and career second, you are no longer able to borrow money based on yours and your husband's finances you have to have his permission to borrow money. No matter if you have been with a bank for year and paid every bill on time for years, no matter if you have a credit card in your purse from that bank allowing you to borrow thousands of dollars. Two of my friends with older kids who do not work said that they were able to co-sign for their kids credit cards w/o their husband's signature last year or in years previously. Another one of my friends who does not work told me that last year she borrowed money and bought her husband a car as a birthday present w/o his signature. Now, I was not allowed to co-sign for $300.

It feels so scary. What if I wanted to divorce my husband? What if he didn't want to help me? Would I be able to get an apartment? Would I be able to get utilities in my name? It is very scary. I was so proud of my credit score too.

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I am trying to raise money for the American Cancer Society by walking in the Relay for Life on April 24th. Our team will walk for 12 hours in a relay, if you would like to sponsor me Click Here. They money goes to fund research, pays for cancer prevention education, and helps people who have been diagnosed with cancer in programs that help with things like reimbursing gas money or buying wigs etc. Hope you can help!

Mandy's 18th Birthday

My sweet little baby turned 18 last week. We had a week long celebration. As luck would have it the Mardi Gras celebrations coincided perfectly with her birthday. The kids were on holiday from school Monday thru Wednesday. The universe was telling us to PARTY.

Mandy had some friends over on Tuesday. They brought all their video game stuff. We rented a volleyball net for the yard. I bought all the decoration that Mandy requested. I cooked all the food (sushi) Mandy requested. Other than that I took a backseat. Mandy decorated and greeted guests. As soon as all the food was done and out, Lily and I disappeared into the bedroom.

Lily was completely beside herself that Mandy's friends were not at all interested in Lily or anything she said or did. Poor girl. She spent the entire party trying to win over Mandy's friends, when I let her out of my room that is. She even invited many of Mandy's guests to her birthday party on July 14th as they were leaving. It cracked me up.

Lily and I were hiding in the bedroom. Watching cartoons and spilling chocolate milk all over the carpet. The party was scheduled to last from 12 until 5. At 5 we came out of the room and I started to clean up some of the empty food trays and empty glasses. The kids were outside playing volleyball. They hit the ball over the fence for the second time and they all went around the block to ask for the ball back. The behind us neighbor was not at home and as they all came back to the house many of them started to go home. We still had about 5 kids and they were playing video games. They had the rock star one, with drums, guitars, microphones. It was a game that a large group of people could play together.

The kids, Mandy included invited me to play with them. I said no a few times but they kept asking and finally I gave it a try. I had always wanted to play those games and I had so much fun. I never won at all not even close but I had a blast. It got to be 5:30 and none of the kids looked like they were leaving, I called Jeff and asked him to pick up some pizza on his way home. We fed them again. They all stayed until after 9. Jeff refused to play any of the games. What a poor sport. Can you imagine coming home from 12 hours of work, having to stop to get pizza and then having 6 teenage kids loudly playing video games in the living room. Poor Jeff. He and Lily hung out in the bedroom, me I was addicted to the games.

The kids were so nice. I have never in my life been included in one of Mandy's birthday parties. She not only invited me but she interacted with me as did all the kids. They made me feel really welcome and we all had a really fun time. They are really nice kids. They thanked me for the food, talked about their future plans, even asked for advice.

That day or maybe later something inside of me shifted. Mandy is an adult. I was able to keep her alive from birth to adulthood. Really nothing is changing at our house having arrived at this milestone. But, in a weird way it feels as if it has all changed. I am proud of myself, raising Mandy has been the single biggest accomplishment of my life. I feel that I did a good job, a great job. All that work, all that sacrifice and worry and the insurmountable vastness of it all - in the end we made it through with flying colors. Mandy is an amazing woman. She is the kindest person I have ever met, with more empathy than seems humanly possible, yet she manages to balance that with self esteem. She is able to feel compassion while putting herself first, giving without being depleted. She is one tough cookie that sweat heart. I thoroughly enjoy the role of parent of an adult, where I advise but ultimately I am no longer in control, I like the feeling of handing over the reins. I am a total control freak and I usually get frustrated when things are not just so, but less than a week into 18 I am liking being support staff and not the CEO of Mandy's life.

Of course she still doesn't know what she will do with her life, nursing is starting to seem like it will not be for her because of the blood and dying. Marine biology is seeming maybe not for her because of all the science. Even changing jobs this summer from the grocery store cashier job she hates to something full time that is less back breaking labor being spit on by customers and more sit at a desk and gossip type work - is feeling like too much for her to think about right now. I suggest she ignores. I think, well if she wants to cashier all summer, then that is what she will do. Last week her ambivalence was grating on my nerves something fierce, this week I am empathising with the whole she feels overwhelmed thing. Her dad is still completely frustrated with her, so at least she will be nagged by someone.

Life continues on even if it is always changing.

By the way friends, I am trying to raise some money for the American Cancer Society, I sent out emails to everyone in my address book, but if I somehow missed you... I am the team captain for a Relay for Life team called Pac Man (Parents Against Cancer -Man) the theme of our relay is the 80's. If you are interested in making a donation Click Here.