Perspective

My favorite part of the holidays is the part between Christmas and New Years. I love that we are no longer busy. We have time to just be. After Christmas I spent an enormous amount of time playing with Lily.

Her new favorite game is us going into her room and me pretending to be Lily and her pretending to be Mommy. She proceeds to tell me exactly what I can and cannot do. Mostly what I cannot do. She takes toys away from me and tells me to play with this other toy instead. She takes toys away from me and tells me how I should be playing with it. We do puzzles and she gives me the pieces I am allowed to put in the puzzle and tells me where exactly to put the piece. Oh my word. I cannot help but wonder if this is her perception of how I treat her? Of course it isn't the reality of how I treat her, but is it her perception? Maybe she is just a bossy little girl. Since then I have caught myself being bossy and I am taking a serious break from telling Lily exactly how to play with her toys.

Here is a photo shoot. I try to get a good photo of Lily to send to family, but it never seems to work. I think if you look at all the pictures together they are hilarious. But, none of them on their own is very good.

Happy New Year!

Much Ado about Money

I am hosting a blog village carnival on January 28th called:

Much Ado about Money

Join us for another Family Blog Carnival - MUCH ADO about MONEY. Whether you earn it, spend it, save it, invest it, or even lose it, we all deal with money issues in our daily lives. Here's your chance to give your views on the economy, discuss ways of earning money while blogging, tell how you've gotten out of debt, or worse, how you've gotten into debt. Tell us about your business, or your dreams of a business. If your post relates to money, it's a perfect fit for this carnival. We look forward to reading what you have to say. -blogcarnival.com

A blog carnival is an opportunity for a variety of bloggers to write about the same topic and then read each others posts. Whether you write a post or just read everyone else's post carnivals give us the opportunity to meet new bloggers. On January 28th I will write a post with a list of links to all the various posts on all the various blogs participating in the carnival. Submit your post here or send me an email: marshamlow@yahoo.com

Blog village is a community of family friendly bloggers that I have belonged to for quite some time now. You are invited to become a member of blog village, go here to become a member. I have met many a blogging buddy at the village, including: Shelia, Naomi, Marion, and the founder and facilitator of the village Rosemary AKA Dirty Butter. Feel free to visit the village any time and browse through the members blogs, no membership is required to visit only to be listed. Click here to visit the village, the icon is always on my sidebar too.

The rules: A Quarterly Carnival open to all members of BLOG VILLAGE and also to any blog that links directly TO a Villager's blog. (My blog is a village blog- so you are all good). We invite you to join us in exploring a variety of Family Friendly themes.

1. Blog MUST belong EITHER to a BLOG VILLAGE member OR link directly TO a BLOG VILLAGE Blog. - I am in the village and you all link to me...
   


2. Only 1 entry per blog.


3. Only English language posts will be accepted.


4. No posts with titles, or with pictures, containing profanity, or of a sexual or suggestive nature, will be accepted.


5. Choose MEMBER or GUEST from the Categories, and put the required information in the REMARKS.


6. GUESTS of Villagers must submit the URL of the BLOG VILLAGE blog they are linked TO for your entry to be eligible for consideration.


7. VILLAGERS need to enter their MEMBER NUMBER in the REMARKS.


8. The post must consist of your own original work or you must have the written permission of the author of the words and images used in your post.

Submit your post here.

Or you can send me an email and I will go to all the troubles and formalities of submitting your blog. If you don't want to write a post I hope you will participate by reading the blogs listed and leaving tons of inflammatory comments.

9:51AM

I stole this meme from Laura.

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?
   
   I moved to Mississippi, I had never been to Mississippi, who knew it would come to feel like home for me so easily.


2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
   
   My resolutions are always the same: eat better, exercise more, be kinder...I never keep them


3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
   
   No one in my real life. One of my very favorite bloggers Julia, has or is about to give birth to twins. After trying for many years and going through many losses. My heart is filled with so much joy for her and her family. And Sari surprised us all by telling us she was having a baby just days before she did.
   


4. Did anyone close to you die?
   
   No, but I found out on Christmas day that my dear sweet Grandma has terminal cancer


5. What countries did you visit?
   
   I started the year in Misawa, Japan. I still miss Japan sometimes, but not the snow. I really loved having a lovely 70 degree sunny Christmas day.


6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
   
   A job.


7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
   
   March 29, due to the time difference we left Japan, arrived in Mississippi and closed on our house.
   


8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
   
   I made a lot of progress with Lily and her behavior and teaching her to count and spell etc. I helped Mandy navigate moving during her sophomore year of high school. I think I do a pretty good job of supporting and loving Jeff to help him be all that he can be. All told, I feel that my biggest achievement is being a great wife and mother.


9. What was your biggest failure?
   
   I have lost my temper with Lily more times than I can count.


10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
    
    I twisted my ankle at the beginning of the year, I had some pretty funky colds, I got stung by fire ants, and I got a severe case of anemia. Depending on your definition of suffer, I guess.


11. What was the best thing you bought?
    
    My new house.


12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
    
    Jeff, he is good to me and the girls


13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
    
    I am under strict orders not to blog about this, never give your husband your blog address. Let's just say someone has irked me more than I have been irked in 10 years. This person sent an email to us and many others to say we don't know Jesus and are in need of prayer. Right now I am in need of your prayers that I don't accidentally put rat poison in this person's coffee. Hoping Jeff doesn't read more than the first few lines as per usual or I am in BIG trouble.


14. Where did most of your money go?
    
    Moving, cars, braces, Christmas, college, I don't keep track or I would have a nervous breakdown.


15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
    
    Owning my own home, moving to Mississippi, volleyball games, Lily counting to 100 and then counting backwards from 100 to zero, lots of things - I am easily amused.


16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
    
    Souja Boy. Do you have any idea what they lyrics of this song are? And what they mean? it is wildly inappropriate, freaks me out to see little kids doing that dance. I must be getting old to care.


17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
    
    a) happier or sadder? Happier, we were about to move and that was really stressing me out.
    
    b) thinner or fatter? Slightly thinner.
    
    c) richer or poorer? much, much poorer


18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
    
    Exercise


19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
    
    Eating sweets


20. How did you spend Christmas?
    
    We got woken at 6AM and opened presents. We ate a lovely breakfast and spent the next several hours putting things together. We had a lovely meal, a lovely walk, and then played Risk. Mandy and I teamed up to take out Jeff and Chad, we annihilated them and then put the game away. New Years we are planning to take them out playing Spades.


21. Did you fall in love in 2007?
    
    Don't gag, but I love my husband more every year.


22. What was your favorite TV program?
    
    Saving Grace, Monday nights on TNT.


23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
    
    Yes, very much see above. I haven't hated anyone in a very long time. It is not good for me or for my family. I am working on it. But, I can't seem to get over it.


24. What was the best book you read?
    
    Harry Potter


25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
    
    Queen. Mandy and I both love Queen and it comes on the radio here all the time, it never came on the radio overseas. The very best moment of the year for me was singing Bohemian Rhapsody at full blast in the car driving down the road with Mandy. She and I have always been so close and these teen years have been so hard on me, just having a moment with her where we connect was rhapsody.


26. What did you want and get?
    
    Globe and clock. I was so surprised.


27. What did you want and not get?
    
    I can't think of anything, I am very spoiled.


28. What was your favorite film of this year?
    
    I didn't see a lot of films this year, and the ones I did see are not memorable.


29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
    
    I was 38 this year, I always forget and have to ask Lily. Jeff took me out to dinner and we had a family party, it was lovely.


30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
    
    I feel that all my accomplishments are abstract, being a mom, being a wife, school, I wish I could have something to show for my life sometimes. Like a paycheck or a degree, an award.


31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
    
    My fashion is getting better. I got a cool new hair cut and I even wear makeup sometimes. I try to wear decent clothes when I go out of the house. I would say I am getting better, but still a work in progress.


32. What kept you sane?
    
    Iron. Before I knew that I was anemic, I thought I was losing my mind or going threw depression. I never wanted to get out of bed and didn't have the energy to even care. I felt so guilty because my life is everything I have ever wanted. Iron pills saved my sanity.


33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
    
    Julian Mahon


34. What political issue stirred you the most?
    
    Education: the disparity between rich and poor, the cost of college, we suck in comparison to the rest of the world...


35. Who did you miss?
    
    My family, and my friends, sometimes traveling the world is lonely.


36. Who was the best new person you met?
    
    Lorelei


37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007

    
    Lily likes to push my buttons.
    
    
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
    
    
Mississippi, won't you keep on shining on me.

Wow that was a long list.

Braces

Mandy needs an absolute ton of dental work. She is meticulous about her teeth and has never had a cavity. But, when she was 9 she fell off of her friend's bike and knocked out her two front teeth. Over the years she has had them put back in, had a root canal, had both extracted, had dozens of temporary replacement devices. One year the flipper broke during her birthday slumber party. One broke on safari in Kenya. They break at all the wrong times.

In order to get her teeth fixed permanently we needed to wait for her to stop growing. She also needs to have braces. The loss of the two front teeth caused the bone on the top jaw to deteriorate and it is now much shorter than the bottom jaw. She has to have this repaired with braces. For the past seven years we were not living in America. Supposedly when you live overseas with the military you get free dental and orthodontics, however, the orthodontist gets to choose his patients, and he did not choose Mandy. We tried and tried for seven years, but they refused to treat Mandy and we had no other dental options, except to pay out of our own pocket for an Italian or Japanese orthodontist to treat Mandy. Have you ever heard of such nonsense, the orthodontist gets paid the same no matter how many patients he choses to treat, and he only has to treat the people whom he wishes to treat.

Now we are back in America and we have crappy dental insurance. We have been here for nine months. We started the process of getting Mandy's teeth fixed on day one. We found a local orthodontist who has a great reputation, his office can do everything we need, dentist, orthodontist, oral surgeon, implants, etc. We went to several appointments. Paid hundreds of dollars. They took xrays, impressions, did a work up and decided that they couldn't treat Mandy because her case is too severe. If it had been treated when she was nine, it would have been no problem but waiting all these years the tooth loss created bone loss etc. He sent us to a specialist about 45 minutes down the street.

We had to redo all the appointments. The xrays, the impressions, the consultations etc. Finally we have a plan. Yesterday was day one, Mandy got her spacers to get her mouth ready for the next set of impressions, followed by actually getting braces. Yesterday was also when they told us the price. Holy crap. They did give us a $500 discount if we paid up front in cash. Which took about 1/2 our savings. Now we are truly poor.

This past year we spent a whole hell of a lot more than we earned. This next year we have to cut back. Can't spend any money. At least the braces are paid for. But, the day after Christmas, wow that was awful. We now have two and a half years of braces and then her mouth will be ready for implants or a bridge depending on a lot of things. So it begins. Poor Mandy, I had braces, they hurt.

Lemons

Do you need any lemons? We have 8 bags full. The stocking are hung by the chimney with care. In hopes that St. Nicholas soon will be there. The shopping is done, too much money has been spent. The gifts are all wrapped and waiting to be opened. The packages all mailed, even to the relatives who choose not to reciprocate. Cookies are baked and delivered to the neighbors. What is a family to do, while we wait for the big day? Why pick lemons of course... I hope you enjoy my professional videography. Chad is the one on the ladder, Jeff is the one holding the ladder, Lily is the one picking up the lemons, I am holding the camera. Merry Christmas to all, would you like a glass of lemonaide? Some lemoncello? Some lemon Gelato?

Christmas Dinner Revised

• The Chili for Christmas dinner idea was nixed by the girls. We are having a more traditional ham. I am rebelling against the formal traditional Christmas sit down dinner by serving potato salad, green salad, and Jello salad with the ham.


• Our cat ran away several days ago. I am worried. I was having cat related nightmares, I couldn't sleep and got out of bed at 4AM


• I kept hearing the cat meow, or was it my imagination? The dog wouldn't come in the house, she kept going over the the fence. I looked around in the dark, no cat.


• I finally went out front, and looked on the other side of the fence, in the empty lot which is a forest, in the dark, this is where I found the cat. Could I have heard her, in my house with all the windows and doors shut, meowing in the lot next door?


• Can a cat speak to you in your dreams?


• She didn't lose any weight being gone for three days, I am thinking she has an alternate food source. Although, she is currently eating and purring at the same time.


• At least we didn't lose the cat on Christmas


• Miss Lily found her bike, hidden in the garage, her gift from Santa. I almost threw up


• Kim has posted her french onion soup recipe, it looks great. Mine is almost identical only I make homemade beef stock and add some bourbon, just a couple of tablespoons. Hers looks much better, check it out here.

Christmas Dinner?

What are you cooking for Christmas? We have a tradition of having Chili. We open presents, eat a fabulous breakfast - eggs: with ham, cheese, onion, peppers, warm rolls, fruit. Then I make a big pot of chili and nibblies, and we just snack for the rest of the day.

It all started when we were in Italy. We had a ton of great friends and all of us being away from family we started a tradition of inviting people over to play games. We would have an open house game day. Our friends would stop by for an hour or two, we would offer them chili and other snacks, play a few games etc. Here we don't have any friends to invite over. Here everyone has their family, their friends... But, we are still having chili and games. What is on your menu?

Christmas Shopping

Last Friday, Jeff had the day off from work and we went to do the Christmas shopping. I mean the shopping for all the out of town relatives. We have for the most part finished our shopping for the kids, each other, and Chad. All of our family lives far away and we both have good sized families. This year I decided to cut down the list from my side of the family. I am feeling a bit guilty, but I have two brothers, and they have kids etc. These lovely brothers have never sent me even a card, no gifts, no thank yous, no cards. We spend hundreds of dollars every year to give everyone in their family a gift, and mail it to them, wrap it etc. It is a lot of money and a lot of work and I am thinking that perhaps they would feel less guilty if I like them, just sent good wishes via prayers. Those two never even email or call me...

So most of our list was Jeff's family although he has some members who are like my brothers, but it is his choice to send so we send. Jeff is not a scrooge like me. He had this great idea to go to a really cool souvenir store in our town. It was the coolest store ever, I wanted just about everything in the store. We arrived with a list of all the relatives that needed presents, a list of about 25 people. We did a cursory walk through of the store, it is big, we decided what to get and we started loading up. I was doing the picking and the crossing off the list, Jeff was doing the holding. Lily was doing the bull in a china shop. She is not the stand still keep your hands to yourself type and this store was dripping with breakables.

The owner, a little old man came by and asked Jeff why he was doing all the holding. Jeff told him that I had the list. Is it emasculating for a man to hold things in a store for his wife? Anyways, Jeff asks the man if we can have a discount if we buy in bulk, like buy 10 get one free...The man answers, HELL NO. We all have a good laugh.

Once we get all the stuff up to the counter, we are sure that every name on the list has been accounted for, I take Lily to the car. We successfully made it through the trip without breaking anything or having any screaming fits, it was time to get her out, because that window of grace is not very big. I buckle Lily into the car and the owner comes out and is asking where is the little princess. I open the window next to Lily and he hands her a present. A beautiful snow globe, a big one. He winds up the music and tells her she is a beautiful princess and wishes her a Merry Christmas. No discount but we did get a cool parting gift. The snow globe contains bison, two bison, do you think that the gulf coast of Mississippi is famous for bison? Seemed weird but we are grateful.

Jeff went and got presents for the girls while I went home and wrapped all the out of town gifts. We got them in the mail Saturday, so all is well. Sunday, I went shopping for the girls early in the morning as to avoid the crowds. I got everything on my list but the cold I which had been percolating came on full force, I almost collapsed in the store. I thought I was going to die. I am finally feeling a bit better today, still coughing but no longer do I feel like I am about to slip into unconsciousness. Our to-do list seems to be going pretty well, I am attempting to do Christmas cards today. I have never before been industrious enough to actually send one, I will try, just a card and a love, us. No pics or anything to make it more complicated than I can handle. I have to bake cookies for the neighbors who don't acknowledge my existence, because I am going to get in good with these people if it kills me, and stocking stuffers. Otherwise I think I am good. And the cold is almost gone, bonus.

The Christmas Party

Last week was the Christmas party for Jeff's office. I had to buy a present for Lily from Santa, I waited until the last moment due to all my other obligations and had a really hard time trying to buy something for her with her right there. She is so observant, I couldn't get away with anything. I also had to buy three white elephant gifts, for Jeff, Mandy and I. I also had to make a dessert, pick Mandy up from school, bla bla, bla, it was a very busy day, week, month...

I chose to get Lily a watch for her present from Santa. Santa actually came to the party and called out the kid's names. It was sweet. Lily has been interested in what time it is and little else for over a month. She asks me about the time every 10 to 15 minutes all day long. She checks all the clocks in the house etc. I thought a cute little Dora the Explorer watch of her very own would be just the right present for her. I managed to get it in the shopping cart and paid for on the sly.

When Lily opened her watch she was enormously disappointed. Mommy, why didn't Santa give me a toy? Can I play with the other kid's toys? She was so upset. I was trying to get the watch out of the package and set to the right time. That wasn't going well. This is the moment that Jeff's boss, the nice lady who let me stay with her while I came out here to find a house, this is when she sat down next to me for a conversation. I am trying to fix this cheap watch, Lily is crying, the watch keeps coming apart. It was awful. I finally got the watch on Lily, only it has a cover. You have to open a little lid to see the time. Of course it shuts so tightly that Lily needs help to open it up to see the time. And, when you open it up her skin gets pinched in the crevice. Lots more crying. Jeff's boss disappeared at some point I guess I was being rude.

All in all it was one of our better Christmas parties.

Finished, yet hardly begun

I finally finished my class. I took my final exam last night and now it is over. I have been so busy with so many things that I haven't really even started Christmas shopping. We are extraordinarily busy today. Jeff has tomorrow off from work, so I have decided that we are going to get up early, make lists and knock out all the shopping in one morning. We will wrap in the afternoon and get it all in the mail. It would be nice to have that done, I am hoping our marathon shopping day does the trick.

I am really looking forward to doing Christmas crafts with Lily. I am thinking of stringing popcorn and cranberries, of making those paper chains, making some ornaments, and making some of those pine cone, peanut butter and bird seed things for the yard. Having a four year old at Christmas time rocks.

We have been working hard to find ways for Lily to play with other children. I was not successful in finding her a pre-school, that we could afford in our area. They are all either full or well over $100 per week. I have found that the children's museum offers a class one day per week for $25 per year. Several of the local libraries offer a story time including crafts. I joined a playgroup which meets once per month. We found some indoor and outdoor playgrounds for the days we don't have a scheduled activity. Lily gets a star on her chart when we get home if she successfully makes it through our outing without crying or hitting. Most of the kids at these things are two or three and most of the time they are sick, with snot noses and coughs, mothers discussing which antibiotic they are taking. Lily and I keep catching their crud, I just feel like asking the moms to please stay home when their kids are contagious. Is that too much to ask?

We do keep busy though, Lily and I. She is still very interested in time. We plan out our week, she likes to know what we are doing each day and at what time we are doing those things. We go over our schedule until she has it all memorized. She knows what time we are going to get ready to go, what time we are leaving, what time we are arriving, what time the activity is scheduled to begin. However, nothing ever starts when it is supposed to start. This bothers Lily to no end. We arrive at the scheduled time we sit down in the designated spot and wait for 15 or 20 minutes for these things to get going. Fifteen or twenty minutes is hard for a four year old, especially a four year old who likes things just so. I think it is a phenomenal learning experience for Lily, life isn't always laid out for you just the way you like it honey, deal with it. She has me trained and her little life at home is laid out all nice and sweet, so I drag her out into the real world and make her deal with people. This is why we have a star chart, cause she tends to get a tad upset. We have only accumulated four stars in the last two weeks of going out twice per day. When she gets 20 she gets a prize. I am thinking Easter.

I am hoping to get more of a chance to read and comment on all my favorite blogs, too.

A Christmas Miracle

First just let me say I have not slept in two day, but my final project is done. http://nova.umuc.edu/~ct386a03/index.html check it out if you are bored. It is not all that and a bag of chips, but I think it is pretty good.

Every year Mandy and I used to go and see the Nutcracker Ballet. Every since Mandy was about 4 years old. We both love the ballet so very much. When I married Jeff and we moved out of the country we did not get the opportunity to see the Nutcracker, it has been 8 Christmases. This year, due to poor planning on my part, we found out that this weekend was the absolute last chance to see the Nutcracker and Mandy's work schedule conflicted with all the showings. I was distraught, but it was probably for the best because I had so much work to do on my project - very big procrastinator am I.

On the morning of the very last day of the Nutcracker, Sunday morning to be specific. I was up early coding away on my trusty computer. Mandy had to be at work at 8AM. While she was eating breakfast, I asked her if she was sure she didn't want to call in sick, so we could go see the Nutcracker. She yelled at me. I went to brush my teeth and with a mouth full of toothpaste the phone rang, don't you just hate that?

It was Mandy's work. They told her that they were trying to cut back on hours and she would have the day off. We were five minutes from leaving to drive her to work. But, this means, NUTCRACKER. We went to the Nutcracker. We went all the way to Mobile. It was wonderful, fabulous, magical, and so lovely. I had the best time.

Our house guests, who went home today, can I just say they are lovely people. They were no trouble at all, in fact I think they helped us so much that our lives were actually less stressful than without them. We had seven people living in my 1600 sq ft, 3 bedroom house. But, it was lovely. They had discovered a place called Bellengrath Gardens near Mobile the day before. I haven't the energy to link it, but you can google, yes? I may have even spelt it wrong, but you are smart folks...

This is a huge mansion and gardens that are open as a tourist attraction. For Christmas they decorate, like nothing you have ever seen before. It took us an hour to walk around and see it all, and we were hungry so we were walking at a fast pace. I have pictures of the lights. I am not the worlds most proficient photographer but you get the idea. Wow what a day. I was away from my computer and the doings of my final project for 8 hours... I was up all night and coding all day today. Fianlly done, with two hours to spare. Way to go. Hopefully here are the pics....

Oh, and I am throwing in a few of the quilt...

Five Zero Zero

This is most 500th post. In January I will have been blogging for three years. I enjoy blogging so much. It is my me time, sometimes the only me time I get. As I reflect back over the time I have spent blogging I think the most profound thing I have gained from this experience is the knowledge that I am a know it all and no one wants my advice. Believe it or not I was not aware of this fact pre-blog. While that is good to know, as you all know I still struggle with the telling people how to improve their life issue. My inner Dr. Phil is just aching to get out and tell you exactly how to fix your life. Not that my life is all that grand, I just have this urge...

Have you ever read a blog and felt, wow, that same exact thing happened to me? Of all the blogs in the world, I must have come here for a reason and it is surely a sign that I tell this person how to fix her life. I have learned that we all struggle with the same crap, it isn't a sign. I need to listen and learn instead of telling. Does anyone else struggle with being a know it all?

Promises, Promises

I am sorry to have not shown y'all how to make a marquee, it is pretty easy. Right now I am having a nervous breakdown, so you will have to excuse me. My final project is due Monday. All kinds of things keep getting in the way of me being able to accomplish any type of progress toward the completion of my project. I am trying to balance taking care of Lily with my school work. She just happens to be going through one of her more difficult phases. We also have a lot of invitations to Christmas type things. Since I have no friends and we don't get the chance to get out of the house and interact with people we actually know very often it is hard for me to say no. Yesterday for instance we spent the entire day out of the house. Today, Chad's parents are coming to stay with us for the weekend. We extended the invitation, come and stay with us anytime... We found out Wednesday afternoon, coming today. My house was not actually company ready. I was up all night, now my house is company ready. Lily and I just have to bath and get dressed. I don't know, am I supposed to cook and entertain all weekend? I just feel awful saying I will be locked in a closet... I am going to try to get through this all with some grace. BTW, Katya if you are reading this, can you help me find a performance of the nutcracker somewhere within a 100 miles. We were planning to go to a local performance this weekend, but Mandy's work schedule is conflicting. I haven't seen the nutcracker in 8 Christmases, it is a tradition, well maybe not really anymore.

A marquee code tutorial can be found here.

I am afraid I don't know how to type code in a blog post???

TODAY

I taught Lily to play memory



TONIGHT

learned to make a marquee



TUESDAY

need to start final project



WEDNESDAY

Going to see Angelina Balerina

Confusing

The more I think about this the more confused I become. -Luckzmom

Wow, that is deep. I couldn't have said it better myself. I sometimes have trouble expressing what I think, I know what I think, but explaining it, I cannot find the words. Sometimes when I discuss it with others I think, yes that is it, or no that isn't what I was thinking, but it helps me find my words.

If we made a scale from one to ten, private to intimate. One being the loneliest number and representing a person who does not enjoy sharing themselves with others, someone who is very private, someone who does not especially like to be around other people. Ten being a person who holds nothing back, will tell perfect strangers at the grocery store the most embarrassing and humiliating details of their lives. Most people fall somewhere in between those two extremes.

I know that when I was a child I was much closer to a one than I am now. I didn't trust anyone. In fact as a child, teen, even in my twenties, I tended to lie more than not. Not because I wanted to trick people for personal gain, but because I really didn't like to let people really see me at all. I dated a lot of guys who were pretty close to the one on this scale. Guys who didn't call when they said they would call, they wouldn't say for sure if they were coming over on a specific night, wouldn't say for sure if you were boyfriend/girlfriend or not. They kept themselves separate, I kept myself separate.

I feel that this keeping oneself separate is different than making sure to take some time out for oneself. Like having a job, friends, interests outside of the family - I don't think it is the same as keeping oneself separate. I am not sure if these things are just different numbers on the same scale or if these things are different scales all together.

Little Bits of Separation

When Lily was only a few months old I decided to go back and try to do this college thing again. Being a stay at home mom, this was my first time out of the house in months. I just loved the opportunity to be Marsha. Not Jeff's wife, not Mandy's mom, not Lily's mom - Marsha.

We read and discussed a lot of interesting material. My professor was the best professor ever, he knew how to get a good argument going. Turns out that most of the time I disagreed with everyone in the class (I know you are all shocked). Still I had a great time debating all kinds of things. One of the other students was a Japanese national, she was not married and nearly 40. This is very uncommon in in the rural northern part of Japan where we lived. Living near the military base gave her the opportunity to have a job, on the American military base, and support herself.

She asked me about marriage, she had noticed throughout the class that I am very outspoken and basically a hard core feminist. She was baffled about how I could be married. I am pretty sure all the small minded young soldiers in our class were thinking the same thing. She asked me some hard questions that I still think about sometimes. And I still do not know how to answer those questions. Having Chad, a single guy around has brought these thoughts to me again.

She wonders if I had to give up a part of myself to my husband. If it was hard to have to share my whole self with him. If I sometimes wished I could keep a part of me separate from husband and children and just be me. At first I say no. But, then I remember how much I enjoyed going to school away from the family and just having some people know me for me. But, I enjoy being married. That is the understatement of a lifetime. I am so much happier, so much more peaceful, so much more of myself, being married.

I notice that Chad doesn't tell us when he is coming or going. He doesn't tell us when to expect him for meals or what time he needs the shower or anything. There is no communication. If we ask questions his posture suggests we are encroaching on his privacy. Which totally cracks me up because Jeff and I discuss EVERYTHING. We are all on the same page here, there are no hurt feelings or misunderstandings. No one tries to mislead or get away with anything. I don't feel like this is giving up my privacy. Perhaps it is because I don't feel like anyone here is judging me. I lay it all out there and I know they are going to love me.

I wonder if this means that Jeff and I are the type of people that are made for marriage. And other people are just not the type of people who are made for marriage. Or does this mean that we are married so we have changed? I do need to get out into the world away from the family a bit more. I enjoy it when I do, but I fear it too.

Do you keep a bit of yourself, or do you wish you could keep a bit of yourself, separate from your husband/wife?