Day 184: Homecoming

If you make a comment on my blog it will take a little while for it to appear. I added comment moderation because of all the spam comments I have been getting lately. Therefore, I have to get an email and click a link before your comment will show up. Hopefully the spammers will then move on. I know who cares right, I should let it go but it feel like clutter in my house.

Speaking of my house. The oil is here, it washes ashore here at my house. To answer your questions, if I feel sick I will leave immediately. I wont be staying if we feel at all sick at any time. I am only willing to wait and see because I am hoping that we are safe. So far the smell is not here and there is only clumps of chocolate mousse looking globs washing up on the shore. The Governor of Mississippi says that the stuff along the coast of Mississippi is not toxic. He actually said that. He thinks he is going to run for president too. He also said don't touch it let the professionals clean it up.

I don't think that I would be able to rent my house for the amount of my mortgage or even close to that amount. A few of my military friends in my neighborhood are renters and the current rates are much lower than my mortgage for a much bigger house with a pool. I was also a property manager for a friend of mine who couldn't sell his home here and that was not a lot of fun. Renting is hard, sometimes people suck. As soon as Jeff gets home we are going to go and get some training and start volunteering. That will probably help us to feel a lot better. On the news it is showing thousands of workers here from BP to help with the clean up (not local people) and hundreds of boats. I will go down to the beach and let you know if I see anyone. Reporting live from the gulf. ha ha. I told Jeff I should make some sandwiches and set up a stand. Maybe fill if full of that "safe" shrimp. Speaking of which I am all talk, when push comes to shove I ate the shrimp and it was good.

Yesterday morning I got an email from Jeff saying when he is arriving home. I don't think I am allowed to give out that information on the internet but the date is sooner than I thought and I just started to cry and cry. I couldn't help it. So funny. Lily was asking me, why are you crying mommy? I told her when Jeff is coming home. She gave me an odd look and said that it looked like I got coffee all over my face. You see I was still wearing makeup, lots of makeup and the tears mixed with it and it was a mess. Too funny. I haven't been wearing makeup a whole lot lately. I am still trying to figure out how to incorporate going to the gym into my life along with looking pretty. So far it isn't working. I go to the gym and then run a bunch of errands in no makeup and sweaty. Then I come home and take a nice hot shower and since I am not planning on going out of the house again I put on some comfortable clothes and no makeup and hang out with Lily. So if you see me and I look rough, sorry.

The reason for all the makeup was that a friend of mine invited me out for a girl's night. I spent all day dolling myself up. My friends are the high maintenance, 10 years younger, pretty as a super model types. I have been noticing all my friends lately are of this variety, what is up with that? We have a lot in common and have a lot of fun together. Perhaps I am just 10 years less mature than my physical age. ha ha. At the end of the school year we all went to lunch. The last week of school, because our free time was about to be up for the summer. I told them that I really wanted us to all go out dancing. One of my friends took me seriously. It was her birthday and she said let's go and we went. The last time I went out dancing was over 20 years ago. Even then I only went a few times, less than 10 in my entire life.

I was a little nervous. It was my idea and then I was thinking what was I thinking. So I spent the entire say getting ready. That was fun. We ended up going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant in one of the casinos and then dancing in another casino. It was a lot different than the dives I went to as a kid. Very fancy. We had a bast and I didn't get home until nearly 3 am. I sent Jeff a long email telling him all about my night and we was telling people, my wife just got home at 3 am. It is funny because I am almost always asleep by 9pm and not known for being the wild and crazy type. I have to say it was a lot of fun though. I am glad I went. I recommend you go out dancing one in awhile. I am hoping to convince Jeff to start doing this as well. He hates going dancing or clubbing or whatever your generation calls it. It is different when you aren't there to try and make a hookup. When you have no interest in the boys other than for their entertainment value. We were a bunch of happily married ladies out for fun. But, not that kind of fun. The place was packed too. The folks here on the Mississippi sure know how to have a good time.

I am actually going to try to talk my family into changing our vacation from Georgia to here. Have a stay cation. Spend our money on the Coast where it is needed. We shall see how that flies I am sure they will out vote me.

Speaking of that kind of fun. Yeah!!! I better go clean the house. Because Daddy is coming home. I can't believe it.

147/190 Getting There

Wow, hey...

I thought I would have time to blog while Jeff was away. Then I decided to pack our lives full of so much stuff that I wouldn't have time to miss Jeff. That was not a lot of fun. Every single day from first thing in the morning until the wee hours at night I have been busy. This leaves very little time for contemplation, reflection, creativity or whatever it is that drives me to want to blog. If I ever have to do it again, I think I am going to perhaps take a different approach to dealing with the deployment. But, I haven't fallen into a depression or stayed in bed all day, perhaps the busy thing worked.

Lily played t-ball. That was so much fun. However, she did cry after every game for one reason or another. I think it built character. I can see a big difference in her personality. Perhaps it was from t-ball or perhaps it was from getting older who knows. But, we successfully navigated her first sport. Next year is machine pitch softball and hopefully when daddy comes home the two of them can work on that together.

Mandy completed her first year of college with excellent grades and an induction into an honor society. Which I had to miss due to it being after Lily's bed time, which caused some friction. Mandy's car has also had quite a few trips to the shop. Character building for Mandy, right. I helped her out this last time when the bill was $1000. She had paid out over $300 just the week before. She went and paid for her summer semester and books out of her own money that same day so it will all even out in the end. I am approaching this she is an adult with a job who is going to pay for what with a teamwork kind of mentality. I guess there should be rules and boundaries but we end up just muddling through. I guess you could say that I am not ready for her to be completely independent and I am not sure if that is good for her showing my love or bad for her and holding her back and making it seem like I don't have faith in her.

I have been very busy with Lily's school's PTO this year. I took on a lot of responsibility and ended up feeling very disgruntled by the end of the year. I knew at the beginning of the year I shouldn't have made so many commitments but I did and I saw them through. Now people are very sarcastically calling me out for not making the same commitments next year. Most of those folks are themselves unwilling to make commitments themselves. If that makes any sense. I have been very angry about all this. I know that if Jeff was here I would have just laughed it off and said something back but I have been so furious at my so called friends for months that is has just been eating me alive. I just cannot believe the things that have been said to me by people who come to functions late or not at all. Me I kept my commitments and then clearly said I would not do it again. Instead of saying I would do stuff and then just not showing up. I guess I have found out who my friends are and who was being nice to me in order for me to do more work. Maybe someday I will write out the whole story but for now I will just say that I did not have a positive experience volunteering this year.

Jeff and I have actually gotten closer while he has been away. I think that sometimes in the day to day stuff that we take each other for granted or get annoyed with one another more than we feel that I can't live without you kind of way. I have been feeling that I can't live without you kind of way or remembering that feeling while he has been away. We also talk on skype and email and chat a lot. I realize that I need to work on being a little more present in my marriage. I realize that life isn't really about impressing stupid people. Life can be about having fun with the people I love. Everyone in my family is really a lot of fun to be around and I need to stop being a humbug and start being more of the life of the party kind of girl. That is my thoughts as my 41st birthday approaches. For one year I am going to try and really just enjoy my life. To love myself and my family and have fun.

Well that in a nutshell is what is up with me. What is up with you?

90/190 Three Months Down

I have been working hard at changing my lifestyle. More exercise, eating healthy and learning to say no. It feel I have made improvements but I still have a long way to go. I am not striving for perfection just improvement. Yes I have improved but there is still room for more improvement. It is a journey. I do feel a lot better, I don't have any more pent up anger and resentment. Most days I am my normal happy self. I actually think that is the real accomplishment.

When I learned that Jeff was going to be deployed back in August I told myself that I needed to get myself ready by exercising and eating right. I knew that was the only way I was going to make it through this difficult time. I envisioned him coming home in July nearly a year after I first learned he was leaving to a new and improved Marsha. Fit and skinny. I thought I have nearly a year, if I get busy now I can really accomplish a lot. I thought this is a great thing for me to concentrate all my time and energy upon. But, that didn't happen. It took me until now to work through all the funk in my head, to bust out of my bad habits and start to make some changes.

I went to the gym 2 times the first week - then Lily got strep throat. I went to the gym 2 times the second week - then I got strep throat. I went to the gym 4 times the third week - yeah. I went to the gym 1 time this week - then I got sick again. Next week is spring break so I am not sure what will happen. Technically I can take Lily with me to the gym as they have child care available and all paid for, but that is way outside of my box. Not sure if I am going to be able to do that. I think I can, I think I can... Perhaps I will come up with an alternate plan.

Eating right is a hard one for me to. Since Jeff has been gone I am having a really hard time keeping up with cooking and cleaning. Dishes and laundry are killing me. Then add all the clutter, vacuuming, dusting, mopping, and bathrooms - yikes. Now I have to add the yard - whose idea was it to have such a big yard. Our yard is a major enormous pain. The leaves fall out of the trees in spring. Our grass is mostly weeds that grow up to my knees every week. In between the weeds is sand, leaves and branches. We had such a cold snap last winter I am afraid we might have lost our citrus trees and they need some pruning. Plus the flower beds are a major ugly mess. The gutters are full of leaves too. I feel like I could spend the next three months working on the house and yard all day everyday and still not be done. It is really freaking me out. So I get all worked up about all that and I end up buying a pizza for dinner or going to McDonald's. I really want to be on a low glycemic low animal fat diet. That is what I am aiming for but I am not there yet. I do have a family history of diabetes and heart disease and the military doctors refuse to test me for those things, I guess if you don't know you don't have it and they don't have to treat you is their theory. Anyways, I imagine I should be careful and now that I am over 40 and 100 lbs overweight I imagine I should get my diet in order now before it becomes do it or die. I would rather be able to cheat a little and ease into it than wait until it is life threatening. I am also considering paying out of pocket to got to a non-military doctor and get my self really checked. I also really want to shout to the world that I hate the military health care system it has been nothing but horrible to my family. I will think about that later after Jeff has come home and I am not holding onto my sanity by my finger nails.

I don't know why but food is such a big issue. I am a really good cook. I know how to make healthy delicious food. I buy all the ingredients with all the best of intentions and every week I throw away all that healthy delicious fresh fruits and veggies because we detoured to McDonald's and Pizza, etc. I think that the afternoons are my hardest part of the day. I am worn out and tired by then. Maybe I need to find a way to cook in the morning. Schedule cooking and dishes first thing in the morning and then just re-heat in the afternoons. When I think about it, it feels like it is all just too much. Like the yard and the housework it all feels like it is too much and I just avoid thinking about it.

Today is the three month anniversary of Jeff's departure. I feel like I have made some progress and learned a lot about myself. I have become stronger and more aware of my strength. My marriage has become stronger too. We talk everyday. I consciously realize that I love being married to Jeff and I appreciate what a great partner he is.

78/190: Self Discovery

I should go back and read my blog over the years, I can't help but wonder if I have had the same self discovery over and over again through the years. I wonder if I will always be who I am or if I am moving forward and growing.

Jeff's Deployment has caused me to learn a little bit about myself. In one of my previous posts I wrote about how angry I was feeling at everyone and everything. I think that was not a result of Jeff being gone but that I have been feeling that way for a long time but being married to Jeff is so nice that I was able to overlook the anger.

Kim suggested that I do something nice for myself a couple of times a week and I realized that I never do things for myself. I started to think about going to the gym, getting my hair done, whatever and I realized that I don't have time. I would have to stop doing something in order to add doing something for myself to my schedule. What can I stop doing? I just couldn't think of anything.

Jeff has been telling me for years to stop volunteering so much, but I feel bad giving that up. However, over the course of the last couple of weeks I have been examining how much I volunteer compared to other moms. It is embarrassing. Why am I doing so much? So I started saying no. It has been so hard. Why is it so hard to say no to doing more? I think deep down I am afraid of rejection. But, if I look at the situation realistically no one even appreciates the stuff I do, they either like me or don't like me based on who I am and not on if I do A B or C at the school. I am going to keep the commitments that I have already made but I am not going to make any new commitments. It has been so hard. I never knew I had a problem saying no. I realize that is silly and that I don't actually care what these people think of me that I just have some switch in my head that fears what will happen if I say no. I have to consciously make myself ignore that impulse and say no anyways. It is a struggle.

I joined a gym. I feel so bad because we have free access to several state of the art gyms on the base. I joined the YMCA where I live. It is not nearly as nice as the base gym and I have to pay for it. Oh the guilt. However, I have a number of friends who go to that gym. It is about 20 minutes closer to my house. It has an indoor heated pool. Oh the guilt.

I have been going to the gym for two weeks now. Both weeks I made it there on Monday and Tuesday but fizzled out and didn't go the rest of the week. But, two days is better than zero days. I have a friend who works out with me and we chat away and the time goes very quickly. To be fair the first week I was overcome with volunteer obligations and then Lily got strep throat. This last week I got the strep throat and it was bad! So I haven't just been blowing it off but still I am hoping to make it at least three times this week. I also love that the people at this gym are from our town and all regular folks. However, there are a lot of over 70 people in there that are much more fit than me. I was surprised how much strength my body has maintained over the years of not exercising on a regular basis. It hasn't been hard or painful to get back into the swing of things. It is like I left off at the fitness level I was at the last time I tried to get in shape and my body has been waiting for me to start up again. Thanks.

I am also working on taking the time to shop for and cook healthy meals. Don't laugh but I am trying to go as Vegan as possible. Just for me not for the girls. It doesn't hurt them to eat bean and veggies soup and if they want to have a hot dog with it then that is fine too. It takes a lot of time to plan and make healthy meals. I have to actually schedule time to think about what we are going to have for dinner, go get the food ( grocery store across the street from new gym) and then cook it, and do the dishes. So much easier to just pick something up. But, I am such a great cook. It does add at least an hour if not two hours of work to my daily schedule to cook at home and I am finding that hard to conquer. What to give up? Probably should give up facebook games for cooking.

Over the next couple of weeks friends have invited me to do fun stuff. I am excited about that. So I am hoping to have an improvement in my anger and in my health after learning to say no and learning to get over the guilt and put myself first.

Here is a funny story. I told all this to Jeff and said, I am going to have to stop doing some things in order to find time to go to the gym and cook at home more. Jeff says, you know I think you should put yourself first. I think this is a great idea. I said, you know that means I am going to have to say no to you and the girls sometimes, because y'all ask a lot of me. Jeff says, that is fine I will understand, I love you and want you to be happy and healthy. A minute later we are saying our goodbyes and Jeff says, don't forget to write me a long email. ha ha get it. He totally doesn't get that it takes time to sit down everyday and write him emails. He is devastated if he doesn't get one. Who do I say no to? Poor Jeff.

Lily is exactly the same way if she doesn't get enough undivided attention the girl is impossible. Which cracks me up because of how much Jeff is the same. I need to learn to be more like them. Both Jeff and Lily are the happiest people on earth and they both take excellent care of themselves and if they aren't getting what they need from me they let me know loudly. Lily 1st grade teacher comments on facebook and to me in person about what a delightful and happy girl Lily is in class. Last night I was behind on a deadline for work and asked her to please get ready for bed on her own, which she has been doing for years, however she wanted me to help her pick her pjs and cried and threw an enormous fit. Just an example. It does actually seem that she only does this to me. I don't know if that is because she has figured out that I am no good at saying no or if it is because she saves up her need and only asks it of me because I am a safe place to be vulnerable. Of course she does have me wrapped around her little finger I guess it is a combination of both. Lily is a unique kind of child, she would never intentionally misbehave. She tries to be perfect. However, she doesn't like it when people tell her she is wrong or needs a course correction she feels that is the end of the world. She tries her best to avoid being told she is wrong but once it happens the world is over and she fights and she is fierce. At school she has figures out how to not get into any trouble so she has a perfectly pleasant time all the time but at home we two butt our heads quite a bit. I guess that is the nature of mother and daughter. Ending this long tangent now.

I am now on a new life path. No longer worried about if I am liked. I am not going to do my best to be there for others in hope that they will return the favor. I am going to take the best care of myself I can. Then I am going to take the best care of my family that I can. Then I am going to do my job to the best of my ability. After all that if there is anything left I will help in the community. I am moving myself from the bottom of the list to the top.

Day 56/190: Grumpy

I really intended to blog more regularly while Jeff was away. That hasn't been happening. I think the reason is that I find it terribly hard to find anything nice to say about anything. I find that I have had a personality transplant and I pretty much hate everyone and everything.

I have always been annoyed by complainers. You know those people who only have negative things to say about everything all the time. It is so tiresome. That is me. A few months ago a friend of mine told me that I always see the good in people and believe that their intentions are good. When someone is being a jerk and everyone is complaining about it I will stick up for the jerk and point out that they are going through a hard time and we should all be more patient. Drives my friends nuts. Well not anymore. Now I am driving them all nuts by complaining about how everyone sucks. Too funny.

I volunteer at the school way too much. I used to enjoy it. Not really enjoying it at all right now. But, I did make certain commitments and would not like to be one of those people who doesn't follow through. I am trying to put on a filter and keep my mouth shut while around others. Sometimes when I am talking I can see that look in some one's eyes, like whoa crazy woman. What is it they say, if you think everyone is wrong, it might be you. Whatever, you are all wrong all the time. Trust me!!!

I thought that this time with Jeff being away for six months would be hard because of the volume of work. But, actually it is not the extra work that is hard. In fact I think there is actually less work with him gone. Even though he does at least half the house work and care of the children when he is not at work it is still easier without him here, in regards to the amount of physical work I have to do in a day. Life without Jeff is like stepping into a black and white silent movie after living life in color with music and dancing. Jeff I think has a higher expectation of how we live our life than I do. He expects the house to be clean all the time and I don't. He thinks we should be company ready all the time. If he comes home from work and it isn't clean he will clean it, before he changes out of his uniform or says hello or anything. It is a little mean but I choose to think of it as him being helpful. I just started leaving him projects. Go ahead baby throw a fit by cleaning the house. Laundry is always ready to be folded just as he walks in the door.

But, the thing is that emotionally it has been really hard for me having him gone. I didn't think that would happen. I was a single mom for 9 years. It shouldn't be hard to have Jeff gone. I have money, a great home, friends, respect, a lovely car, no stress. I don't have to date or feel like I will be alone forever, I am loved. But, somehow over the last 9 years I got spoiled by Jeff. Even though he is a bit finicky about the house cleanliness he is so nice to live with. Jeff is my very best friend in the world. I love our conversations, I love his absolute joy about life. It is really hard to get out of bed and put on a smile without that. Boy am I spoiled or what. I had a man in my life who wakes up everyday and sees all the joy and possibly in the world and in our life. He is always excited about something and it is so hard to have that gone.

For the first month or so I had to make myself get out of bed. I would congratulate myself everyday that I got out of bed, took a shower, washed dishes, did my job, and took care of Lily. Seriously that was about all I did and once it was done I went back to bed, until I had to force myself up again. A few things happened in my world to make me realize that it isn't quite that bad and I need to get over myself. A little girl Lily's age in our town has inoperable brain cancer and it is devastating and the earthquake in Haiti both make me realize that I am a big baby. So I am trying to not just get out of bed and go through the motions but to live like like I love it. I am trying to find joy in everyday. To look at all the good and to stop hating everyone. You are all so annoying though.

I am trying but not really succeeding. I continue to try. I am also trying to keep all the hateful things I am thinking about everyone to myself. I don't really think it is always a good idea to say those things out loud. Anyways. That is all the boring stuff going on with me and in my head. It is hard having Jeff out of town for so long. But, it isn't the end of the world. Before we know it he will be home. We are trying to have a really great time while he is away. We are trying to do fun and exciting things so I have fun and exciting stories and pictures to send to Jeff. I actually think it is working for the girls. They are having a really great time. While they miss their dad they are also being terribly spoiled and well loved.

Lily has started playing t-ball. She is on an all girls softball t-ball team. The sponsor of her team is a local store called Party Girls and that is also the name of their team and their team color is pink! How cool is that? Her coach and asst coach are both really great guys. They have tons of experience and do all kinds of great drills and activities that keep the girls busy and they are having a blast. All the girls have really similar personalities and are having such a great time. Lily is fantastic of course. I have been practicing with her in the back yard for weeks. Which is funny because I am about the least athletic person alive. Today, a Saturday practice all the little girls where playing catch with their Dad's while we waited for practice to start, all except Lily who was playing catch with me. Oh well we had fun. The dads were all giving direction and I was giving unconditional encouragement. I guess that is a difference between moms and dads. Lily was giving me some pointers and direction because she didn't actually feel my throws were all that good. I guess it wouldn't be a good thing for me to shake her while playing catch. I was proud of myself that she actually is pretty good at throwing and hitting. I didn't do too badly getting her ready. She even knows where first base is etc.

Mandy is also doing well. She is loving life. College agrees with her. So does having a car. She is going to be in a play next week at school, she is taking a drama class. She is also turning 19 next week. Once college started and she discovered that she is good at it her entire personality changed. I think she has been a worrier for her entire life. Lately she is more relaxed and confident. She seems to understand that life is good and she is going to be OK. She was so worried about graduating and starting college. I couldn't be prouder of her. I know that this is all her doing. She has worked hard to be the great person she is. She has made all the right choices that keep her on a good path. I still feel such a sense of accomplishment that I facilitated her keeping on the right path and working hard.

Speaking of being a mother, I am really upset about the Kleenex commercials. I have decided to boycott Kleenex for the rest of my life. It could very well be that this is just a part of my personality change as a result of Jeff being deployed. Have you seen those commercials where the mom does something wrong and they kick her out of the car and get a new mom. FUCK YOU KLEENEX. At least 90% of all the stuff I do all day bothers my girls. But, you know what I am right and they are wrong, just look how good they have turned out. Lily wins awards for good behavior at school. This is the child who slapped me and ran in the street, who screamed all day everyday for years, she was such a hard little one. I stuck it out and she learned how to navigate life without fits. Even with her receptive language delay she is reading at nearly a 3rd grade level half way through 1st grade. But, if you asked her I am sure she would kick me out of the car in a heartbeat about 20 times everyday. I hate that commercial. See I told you that I am having issues.

I am going to try to blog more often. I really want to keep a record of this year and all the wonderful things going on with us. I will try to upload some pictures too. So how is everyone? I have been out of blogging for so long that most of my blogging friends aren't really blogging all that much anymore either. I miss all of you and wonder what is up. I hope you all write an update. Tell me all the things that are driving you crazy so I don't feel like such a heel for hating everyone on the planet.

Day 13 of 190: Feeling A Bit Better

A friend of mine said the first two weeks is the hardest. Hopefully, that is true. Cause guess what tomorrow is two weeks.

The past few days have been pretty hard for me. However, I am feeling better now. Wednesday, I went to lunch with friends. Today I did my regular Friday volunteer gig. Being around people is better than staying home. Some days I just don't have the inner strength to get up and get moving.

So far I have had to change four light bulbs, all requiring a ladder. Then I had to replace the entire light fixture in our kitchen. The tires on the truck were low and I had to add air and it was very cold, but I did it. I guess the things that I would normally ask Jeff to do are piling up. After awhile it become a little less frustrating and a little more normal.

Lily bug likes to talk. She talks from the time she gets home from school, or if it is a weekend from the time she gets up - all the way until she goes to bed. If I don't answer she gets upset. I find it very hard to have to have a conversation that lasts that long. I love her to death and I love to talk with her. But, at times I just need a chance to have a moment to myself. I haven't had a complete thought in 13 days.

We are currently watching the weather channel. We are watching the temperature drop down below 32. Lily is so excited. Too bad the sky is clear. She wants snow so badly. She doesn't remember the 100+ inches of snow we shoveled every winter at our old house in Japan. She wants to go sledding, however I don't believe there is a single hill for a 100 miles. And of course it is unlikely it will snow here.

My last complaint is that I miss my best friend. All the little things, like having to change the light bulbs, are so small in comparison to the void that exists without having daily conversations with Jeff. I guess I have taken for granted how I share so much of myself with him and I miss not hearing all about his day. I don't know what he had for dinner or how he slept last night. It is weird how much that matters. How empty and alone it feels to be without that. A couple of days ago that hurt so much that typing those words would have been impossible. Now it is getting better. We do chat online and he is able to call twice a week. We just feel separate.

I make it sound like everything is just awful. But, really, mostly it is not at all awful. There are just hard moments. For the most part we are healthy happy and having fun. There might be five minutes in a day that I am sad. I cry just a little bit more easily.

So this means I am finally getting up the grit to start dieting and exercising. I am trying to decide if I am going to do a big hard push boot camp style start or if I am going to gradually make small changes so I am not suffering. Any thoughts?

Day Three of 190: Are we there yet?

One of my friends who has survived several deployments told me to change up my schedule, and several others have recommended keeping busy. I am not sure I can change my schedule because it basically revolves around Lily, but I will try. Today I did keep busy. We took down the Christmas tree and rearranged furniture.

I am the boss now. I have always wanted to move my office to the living room. I work all day in my bedroom office and then sleep in there. I thought it would be nice to move on out to the living room. Jeff has never liked that idea. But, he isn't here to object. Now I have a lovely big office. I had to rearrange our cable outlet connections, rearrange all the Internet stuff and the furniture. And get the Christmas tree outside. I dumped a bunch of Christmas tree water on the carpet my brand new Sham-wow worked like magic.

I am addicted to those products sold on TV. I never buy them but secretly lust for them all. This year I had no idea what I wanted for Christmas and so I told Jeff to get me one of those crazy products sold in commercials on TV. I ended up getting both the snuggie and the sham-wow. They are both even better than they appear on TV. Plus you can pick them up at Wal-Mart. I know I really do belong in a double wide, don't I? I never ever watch any infomercials or QVC because I would be broke. I think I am overly susceptible to TV ads. However, I am lucky that I am too cheep to buy the stuff, usually. I think a little bit of my crazy is showing today.

Tomorrow Lily and I are going to go have lunch at Chuck E Cheese. I am hoping it is not crowded!

Jeff made it safely to his destination. I got two emails and a phone call today. It still doesn't seem real. I still have a cough, ear ache, and head congestion. I haven't started dieting or exercising. Did I tell you I took down the Christmas tree?

Day Two of 190: Forgot the Garbage

I woke up to the sound of the garbage truck on our street and suddenly remembered that I did not put out the garbage cans last night. I tried to get out of bed and race outside to put them out but I couldn't find my glasses for the longest time. They somehow ended up on Jeff's night table instead of mine. By the time I got my glasses on, my shoes on and the alarm disarmed the garbage truck was long gone.

I had gone to bed only a few short hours before being awoke by the garbage truck. I meant to go to bed early but somehow I manged to stay up until the wee hours of the morning. You would think I would get well faster if I got some rest. No naps today, perhaps that will help me go to bed at a decent time.

My plan is to actually shower and leave the house today.

Day One of 190 (approx): New Year's Resolutions

Jeff is on his way, deployed for six months. It really hasn't sunk in yet.

I have been having a really hard time the last few months dealing with his impending departure. I am hoping that I will deal with the actual departure a little better. He hasn't been home much these past few months due to training and such. Whenever I missed him I would go there, and think about the fact that this is only just the beginning. How will I ever make it. I really am not usually such a wimp. I think that marriage has changed me.

I asked Jeff on the drive to the airport if he thought it was harder to be single and alone or married and alone. I was thinking that being single is harder because at least when you are married you know someone out there loves you and that you will be together again in due course. Jeff didn't agree he thinks that you get used to being single and being away from your family is harder. I don't know what do you think?

I was a single mother for nine years. I would always get mad at people whose husband was away on a business trip or what not and that person would proclaim themselves to be a single parent for the next week or month or whatever. I thought that was a bunch of crap. I mean you are married for heaven's sake you are not single. You have his paycheck, you live in a nice house, you don't have to date, you don't get looked down upon as a poor pathetic single mother. I think that being a married woman with my husband away is different than being a single mother. I am not entirely sure which is harder. I am still leaning toward being single, but I guess since this is day one of Jeff's deployment I may change my mind. I do love his paycheck, my lovely home, and the fact that people treat me with dignity and respect. But, people - "friends" tend to stay away when the husband is away. Isn't that weird? My phone rings all day usually but lately no one calls and when I call everyone is busy. Coincidence? I am thinking my company is not what it used to be.

I have a plan for this deployment. My plan is to go on a diet and exercise plan. My thinking is that I will have something to focus on while Jeff is away. I am thinking that having goals and earning accomplishments will give me a bit of happiness. I am thinking that eating properly and exercising will also help keep the sad funkiness away. Plus it would be really fun to be thinner and sexier when Jeff steps off the plane and we reunite in six short months. Too bad I have a killer flu bug that wont go away. It is in my chest, I get all wheezy and have a coughing fit when I check the mail. Imagine if I tried to jog. I guess I will start with stretches or something. I hope I kick this bug soon. Now I am feeling the beginnings of an ear infection too. whaa poor Marsha.

I was also going to try to blog more. To try to look at the good and write about it to feel a bit better about my life. It really helped me when I was in Japan and a stay at home mom with a terror of a little one. I am hoping that I can get back in the swing of things. I know it isn't really all that interesting to read someone who is trying to always look on the bright side. I am sure a bit of the bitch will slip here and there.

Today Lily and I went through some boxes of photos from before I had a digital camera. She has always wanted a "photo book of Lily" I am terrible and have years and years of pictures from our travels all over the world in a huge box. Some of them aren't even in envelopes anymore. We went through the box and found enough photos of Lily through the years to fill her new photo album. Now she has a photo book of herself. She is so happy. We looked at a lot of pictures of a lot of really good memories. It was very nice. We have a really good life. I noticed and pointed out to Lily how much she is loved, you can really see it in the pictures. She agreed. I especially pointed out in how many pictures her dad is holding her and carrying her and they are both looking so very happy together. That really made her smile.

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas and a great New Year. I look forward to reading all about your new year's resolutions too!