Day 56/190: Grumpy

I really intended to blog more regularly while Jeff was away. That hasn't been happening. I think the reason is that I find it terribly hard to find anything nice to say about anything. I find that I have had a personality transplant and I pretty much hate everyone and everything.

I have always been annoyed by complainers. You know those people who only have negative things to say about everything all the time. It is so tiresome. That is me. A few months ago a friend of mine told me that I always see the good in people and believe that their intentions are good. When someone is being a jerk and everyone is complaining about it I will stick up for the jerk and point out that they are going through a hard time and we should all be more patient. Drives my friends nuts. Well not anymore. Now I am driving them all nuts by complaining about how everyone sucks. Too funny.

I volunteer at the school way too much. I used to enjoy it. Not really enjoying it at all right now. But, I did make certain commitments and would not like to be one of those people who doesn't follow through. I am trying to put on a filter and keep my mouth shut while around others. Sometimes when I am talking I can see that look in some one's eyes, like whoa crazy woman. What is it they say, if you think everyone is wrong, it might be you. Whatever, you are all wrong all the time. Trust me!!!

I thought that this time with Jeff being away for six months would be hard because of the volume of work. But, actually it is not the extra work that is hard. In fact I think there is actually less work with him gone. Even though he does at least half the house work and care of the children when he is not at work it is still easier without him here, in regards to the amount of physical work I have to do in a day. Life without Jeff is like stepping into a black and white silent movie after living life in color with music and dancing. Jeff I think has a higher expectation of how we live our life than I do. He expects the house to be clean all the time and I don't. He thinks we should be company ready all the time. If he comes home from work and it isn't clean he will clean it, before he changes out of his uniform or says hello or anything. It is a little mean but I choose to think of it as him being helpful. I just started leaving him projects. Go ahead baby throw a fit by cleaning the house. Laundry is always ready to be folded just as he walks in the door.

But, the thing is that emotionally it has been really hard for me having him gone. I didn't think that would happen. I was a single mom for 9 years. It shouldn't be hard to have Jeff gone. I have money, a great home, friends, respect, a lovely car, no stress. I don't have to date or feel like I will be alone forever, I am loved. But, somehow over the last 9 years I got spoiled by Jeff. Even though he is a bit finicky about the house cleanliness he is so nice to live with. Jeff is my very best friend in the world. I love our conversations, I love his absolute joy about life. It is really hard to get out of bed and put on a smile without that. Boy am I spoiled or what. I had a man in my life who wakes up everyday and sees all the joy and possibly in the world and in our life. He is always excited about something and it is so hard to have that gone.

For the first month or so I had to make myself get out of bed. I would congratulate myself everyday that I got out of bed, took a shower, washed dishes, did my job, and took care of Lily. Seriously that was about all I did and once it was done I went back to bed, until I had to force myself up again. A few things happened in my world to make me realize that it isn't quite that bad and I need to get over myself. A little girl Lily's age in our town has inoperable brain cancer and it is devastating and the earthquake in Haiti both make me realize that I am a big baby. So I am trying to not just get out of bed and go through the motions but to live like like I love it. I am trying to find joy in everyday. To look at all the good and to stop hating everyone. You are all so annoying though.

I am trying but not really succeeding. I continue to try. I am also trying to keep all the hateful things I am thinking about everyone to myself. I don't really think it is always a good idea to say those things out loud. Anyways. That is all the boring stuff going on with me and in my head. It is hard having Jeff out of town for so long. But, it isn't the end of the world. Before we know it he will be home. We are trying to have a really great time while he is away. We are trying to do fun and exciting things so I have fun and exciting stories and pictures to send to Jeff. I actually think it is working for the girls. They are having a really great time. While they miss their dad they are also being terribly spoiled and well loved.

Lily has started playing t-ball. She is on an all girls softball t-ball team. The sponsor of her team is a local store called Party Girls and that is also the name of their team and their team color is pink! How cool is that? Her coach and asst coach are both really great guys. They have tons of experience and do all kinds of great drills and activities that keep the girls busy and they are having a blast. All the girls have really similar personalities and are having such a great time. Lily is fantastic of course. I have been practicing with her in the back yard for weeks. Which is funny because I am about the least athletic person alive. Today, a Saturday practice all the little girls where playing catch with their Dad's while we waited for practice to start, all except Lily who was playing catch with me. Oh well we had fun. The dads were all giving direction and I was giving unconditional encouragement. I guess that is a difference between moms and dads. Lily was giving me some pointers and direction because she didn't actually feel my throws were all that good. I guess it wouldn't be a good thing for me to shake her while playing catch. I was proud of myself that she actually is pretty good at throwing and hitting. I didn't do too badly getting her ready. She even knows where first base is etc.

Mandy is also doing well. She is loving life. College agrees with her. So does having a car. She is going to be in a play next week at school, she is taking a drama class. She is also turning 19 next week. Once college started and she discovered that she is good at it her entire personality changed. I think she has been a worrier for her entire life. Lately she is more relaxed and confident. She seems to understand that life is good and she is going to be OK. She was so worried about graduating and starting college. I couldn't be prouder of her. I know that this is all her doing. She has worked hard to be the great person she is. She has made all the right choices that keep her on a good path. I still feel such a sense of accomplishment that I facilitated her keeping on the right path and working hard.

Speaking of being a mother, I am really upset about the Kleenex commercials. I have decided to boycott Kleenex for the rest of my life. It could very well be that this is just a part of my personality change as a result of Jeff being deployed. Have you seen those commercials where the mom does something wrong and they kick her out of the car and get a new mom. FUCK YOU KLEENEX. At least 90% of all the stuff I do all day bothers my girls. But, you know what I am right and they are wrong, just look how good they have turned out. Lily wins awards for good behavior at school. This is the child who slapped me and ran in the street, who screamed all day everyday for years, she was such a hard little one. I stuck it out and she learned how to navigate life without fits. Even with her receptive language delay she is reading at nearly a 3rd grade level half way through 1st grade. But, if you asked her I am sure she would kick me out of the car in a heartbeat about 20 times everyday. I hate that commercial. See I told you that I am having issues.

I am going to try to blog more often. I really want to keep a record of this year and all the wonderful things going on with us. I will try to upload some pictures too. So how is everyone? I have been out of blogging for so long that most of my blogging friends aren't really blogging all that much anymore either. I miss all of you and wonder what is up. I hope you all write an update. Tell me all the things that are driving you crazy so I don't feel like such a heel for hating everyone on the planet.

Day 39/190: Volunteering

Day 25/190: Softball

I have decided to sign Lily up to play girl's softball. I am hoping that keeping busy will help her to feel a bit better.

I have been trying to make sure that I am done with my work when she comes home from school so that I can give her my undivided attention until she goes to bed. That is a lot for me to accomplish. It helps Lily but puts enormous pressure on me. She has gotten used to all this attention and on weekends and holidays she ends up getting frustrated with me.

So, when you are totally overwhelmed and not keeping up what should you do? I know. Add another after school activity.

You do what you have to do I guess.

Day 13 of 190: Feeling A Bit Better

A friend of mine said the first two weeks is the hardest. Hopefully, that is true. Cause guess what tomorrow is two weeks.

The past few days have been pretty hard for me. However, I am feeling better now. Wednesday, I went to lunch with friends. Today I did my regular Friday volunteer gig. Being around people is better than staying home. Some days I just don't have the inner strength to get up and get moving.

So far I have had to change four light bulbs, all requiring a ladder. Then I had to replace the entire light fixture in our kitchen. The tires on the truck were low and I had to add air and it was very cold, but I did it. I guess the things that I would normally ask Jeff to do are piling up. After awhile it become a little less frustrating and a little more normal.

Lily bug likes to talk. She talks from the time she gets home from school, or if it is a weekend from the time she gets up - all the way until she goes to bed. If I don't answer she gets upset. I find it very hard to have to have a conversation that lasts that long. I love her to death and I love to talk with her. But, at times I just need a chance to have a moment to myself. I haven't had a complete thought in 13 days.

We are currently watching the weather channel. We are watching the temperature drop down below 32. Lily is so excited. Too bad the sky is clear. She wants snow so badly. She doesn't remember the 100+ inches of snow we shoveled every winter at our old house in Japan. She wants to go sledding, however I don't believe there is a single hill for a 100 miles. And of course it is unlikely it will snow here.

My last complaint is that I miss my best friend. All the little things, like having to change the light bulbs, are so small in comparison to the void that exists without having daily conversations with Jeff. I guess I have taken for granted how I share so much of myself with him and I miss not hearing all about his day. I don't know what he had for dinner or how he slept last night. It is weird how much that matters. How empty and alone it feels to be without that. A couple of days ago that hurt so much that typing those words would have been impossible. Now it is getting better. We do chat online and he is able to call twice a week. We just feel separate.

I make it sound like everything is just awful. But, really, mostly it is not at all awful. There are just hard moments. For the most part we are healthy happy and having fun. There might be five minutes in a day that I am sad. I cry just a little bit more easily.

So this means I am finally getting up the grit to start dieting and exercising. I am trying to decide if I am going to do a big hard push boot camp style start or if I am going to gradually make small changes so I am not suffering. Any thoughts?

Day Three of 190: Are we there yet?

One of my friends who has survived several deployments told me to change up my schedule, and several others have recommended keeping busy. I am not sure I can change my schedule because it basically revolves around Lily, but I will try. Today I did keep busy. We took down the Christmas tree and rearranged furniture.

I am the boss now. I have always wanted to move my office to the living room. I work all day in my bedroom office and then sleep in there. I thought it would be nice to move on out to the living room. Jeff has never liked that idea. But, he isn't here to object. Now I have a lovely big office. I had to rearrange our cable outlet connections, rearrange all the Internet stuff and the furniture. And get the Christmas tree outside. I dumped a bunch of Christmas tree water on the carpet my brand new Sham-wow worked like magic.

I am addicted to those products sold on TV. I never buy them but secretly lust for them all. This year I had no idea what I wanted for Christmas and so I told Jeff to get me one of those crazy products sold in commercials on TV. I ended up getting both the snuggie and the sham-wow. They are both even better than they appear on TV. Plus you can pick them up at Wal-Mart. I know I really do belong in a double wide, don't I? I never ever watch any infomercials or QVC because I would be broke. I think I am overly susceptible to TV ads. However, I am lucky that I am too cheep to buy the stuff, usually. I think a little bit of my crazy is showing today.

Tomorrow Lily and I are going to go have lunch at Chuck E Cheese. I am hoping it is not crowded!

Jeff made it safely to his destination. I got two emails and a phone call today. It still doesn't seem real. I still have a cough, ear ache, and head congestion. I haven't started dieting or exercising. Did I tell you I took down the Christmas tree?

Day Two of 190: Forgot the Garbage

I woke up to the sound of the garbage truck on our street and suddenly remembered that I did not put out the garbage cans last night. I tried to get out of bed and race outside to put them out but I couldn't find my glasses for the longest time. They somehow ended up on Jeff's night table instead of mine. By the time I got my glasses on, my shoes on and the alarm disarmed the garbage truck was long gone.

I had gone to bed only a few short hours before being awoke by the garbage truck. I meant to go to bed early but somehow I manged to stay up until the wee hours of the morning. You would think I would get well faster if I got some rest. No naps today, perhaps that will help me go to bed at a decent time.

My plan is to actually shower and leave the house today.

Day One of 190 (approx): New Year's Resolutions

Jeff is on his way, deployed for six months. It really hasn't sunk in yet.

I have been having a really hard time the last few months dealing with his impending departure. I am hoping that I will deal with the actual departure a little better. He hasn't been home much these past few months due to training and such. Whenever I missed him I would go there, and think about the fact that this is only just the beginning. How will I ever make it. I really am not usually such a wimp. I think that marriage has changed me.

I asked Jeff on the drive to the airport if he thought it was harder to be single and alone or married and alone. I was thinking that being single is harder because at least when you are married you know someone out there loves you and that you will be together again in due course. Jeff didn't agree he thinks that you get used to being single and being away from your family is harder. I don't know what do you think?

I was a single mother for nine years. I would always get mad at people whose husband was away on a business trip or what not and that person would proclaim themselves to be a single parent for the next week or month or whatever. I thought that was a bunch of crap. I mean you are married for heaven's sake you are not single. You have his paycheck, you live in a nice house, you don't have to date, you don't get looked down upon as a poor pathetic single mother. I think that being a married woman with my husband away is different than being a single mother. I am not entirely sure which is harder. I am still leaning toward being single, but I guess since this is day one of Jeff's deployment I may change my mind. I do love his paycheck, my lovely home, and the fact that people treat me with dignity and respect. But, people - "friends" tend to stay away when the husband is away. Isn't that weird? My phone rings all day usually but lately no one calls and when I call everyone is busy. Coincidence? I am thinking my company is not what it used to be.

I have a plan for this deployment. My plan is to go on a diet and exercise plan. My thinking is that I will have something to focus on while Jeff is away. I am thinking that having goals and earning accomplishments will give me a bit of happiness. I am thinking that eating properly and exercising will also help keep the sad funkiness away. Plus it would be really fun to be thinner and sexier when Jeff steps off the plane and we reunite in six short months. Too bad I have a killer flu bug that wont go away. It is in my chest, I get all wheezy and have a coughing fit when I check the mail. Imagine if I tried to jog. I guess I will start with stretches or something. I hope I kick this bug soon. Now I am feeling the beginnings of an ear infection too. whaa poor Marsha.

I was also going to try to blog more. To try to look at the good and write about it to feel a bit better about my life. It really helped me when I was in Japan and a stay at home mom with a terror of a little one. I am hoping that I can get back in the swing of things. I know it isn't really all that interesting to read someone who is trying to always look on the bright side. I am sure a bit of the bitch will slip here and there.

Today Lily and I went through some boxes of photos from before I had a digital camera. She has always wanted a "photo book of Lily" I am terrible and have years and years of pictures from our travels all over the world in a huge box. Some of them aren't even in envelopes anymore. We went through the box and found enough photos of Lily through the years to fill her new photo album. Now she has a photo book of herself. She is so happy. We looked at a lot of pictures of a lot of really good memories. It was very nice. We have a really good life. I noticed and pointed out to Lily how much she is loved, you can really see it in the pictures. She agreed. I especially pointed out in how many pictures her dad is holding her and carrying her and they are both looking so very happy together. That really made her smile.

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas and a great New Year. I look forward to reading all about your new year's resolutions too!

Christmas Came Early

We Celebrated Christmas yesterday. We aren't sure when Jeff is leaving and we thought it might be a good idea to make sure we had a chance to open our gifts together. It was nice. Now we even get a chance to enjoy our presents together until he leaves. Just waiting for a phone call.

We have all come down with a killer flu bug. I have it in my chest. I can't sleep or breath. Fun.

I am trying to keep up my spirits and live in the moment and enjoy these last moments. I haven't really been succeeding at all that. I keep trying.

The last couple of weeks have been misserable for me. I really shouldn't be having such a hard time with Jeff being gone. I was after all a single mother for nine years. I have plenty of money, a nice home, a safe comfortable life. I didn't always have those things and so why am I having such a hard time right now?

I thought that I had grown up and become a person who deals well with adversity. But, the truth is that I married well. The first sign of difficulties and I didn't know how to pull myself up by my boot straps and feel better.

Reading Fair Project

Thanks for all your kind words. I have been having such a hard time lately and the fact that you are so sweet to take the time to write sweet comments is very lovely. I was excited that her picture actually turned out good. So far the pictures we take at home are usually good but the school pictures are usually really bad. So I was excited about that. Too bad I bought the smallest package.

Lily and I spent the entire weekend working on her Reading Fair Project. We did it on her favorite book Pinkalicious. We are entering the family category where I am allowed to help her with all the work. We did it all together. It was a lot of fun. And a lot of work.

Lily has been having a hard time with her dad being away. I have been too. I know that I shouldn't complain because I have a great life. I am just having trouble getting over the hump. Once I get down it is hard to pull myself back up and get over it. Usually Jeff comes home from work and I am instantly rejuvenated. I am not trying to have a pity party. Just one foot in front of the other.

I decided to cut back on some of my volunteer commitments. Especially the ones that are not fun. I figure since I am not being paid I should at the very least be treated well and appreciated. And I figure I should enjoy it.

I am still volunteering about six hours a week at Lily's school. That is fun. Today we have nothing planned except fun. Now that is a good day.

First Grade School Pictures