Not Calm dot com

What I was trying to say about feminism, I think that Jen at Not Calm dot com did much better than I ever could. I think that different women feel very differently about feminism. That even women who have the same goals and beliefs in changes they would like to see effected in America disagree about the means by which those changes should occur. That we as women tend to feel that women who chose to live their lives differently are disrespecting our own values and these women upset us so much we cannot see past their lifestyle choices and find commonality.

Undermining a woman's self image is quite prevelent in our society. How many women do you know that are happy with themselves? We don't think we are good enough as mothers. We don't think we are pretty enough. We don't think that we are practical enough for politics or business. So we attack each other. Women in the work force tell the stay at home moms that they are boring loosers causing men to look down on women. Women who stay at home look at working women and say they are destroying the fabric of America by abandoning their children or by undermining the value of family.

I believe that there exists women in the majority who do not fall into either catagory, who are the women who have the most power. Women who understand the necessity for women to have equality in the work place and in politics and also understand the necessity of family.

We the boring unsensational women who can see both sides of the issue of what it means to be a woman have the ability to be heard by even the most extremist of feminists and traditionalists. Because we can if we try see their perspective. I can listen to my working childless friends and see their perspective. I can listen to my traditional stay at home friends and see their perspective. Because I can hear and speak either language I have more of an opportunity to reach common ground.

I believe that we are in need of better education and healthcare for the poor in America. I believe that these two issues are primarily women's issues. That if we, the women of America, could come together on these issues, we could effect change, make America better. Instead we are trowing stones and the issues fall to the wayside. Sorry I will get off my soap box.

Nebuta Festival 2006

Our last summer in Japan and I finally went to the Nebuta Festival. This is the biggest festival of Aomori Prefecture held in the city of Aomori every summer. The summer of 2004 Mandy and Jeff went to the festival while Lily and I stayed home. I forgot to bring my camera so I am posting pictures of when Jeff and Mandy went in 2004. That year they were in the parade and this year we were all spectators. But, you get the picture. I am hoping some of our friends will email us some of their photos from this year otherwise, you will have to rely on my the images evoked from my words.

We gathered together, four car loads of people and drove up to Aomori. It was a little over an hour car ride. We parked the cars and walked about a mile to where the parade would be held. I have never really walked the streets of downtown Aomori before, just as the sun was setting. It is a lovely city. We crossed a bridge, over looking Mutsu bay, a port full of fancy yachts, a cruise ship, beautiful buildings, it is very lovely. We made it to the parade route and we engulfed in a sea of people. Most of the people were in their costumes getting ready to dance in the parade. We stopped at a hotel to use the bathrooms, the line for the ladies room was very long. We waited in line there for what seemed like forever, the men walking past us to their restroom and then leaving, while we waited and waited. Some things are international.

Our good friend who works with Jeff and her husband were our hosts. He works in downtown Aomori and has set out folding chairs in front of his office along the parade route, so we arrived at our designated location like royalty and had front row seats. Lily ended up sitting next to our friends and being entertained by others, I got the chance to sit next to Mandy and enjoy the parade. Jeff was standing behind us, cruising up and down the street, buying all kinds of delectable treats, like teriyaki beef on a stick etc.

The floats are of demons and warriors, beautifully made out of Japanese paper and lit up. The parade takes place just after the sun sets. The floats are hand carried by a group of people all around the float. As the float comes before a group of spectators along the route, the people carrying it turn around so you get to sit there and view all sides of the float, it also bows to you. They are incredible. Yet, on the last day of the festival all of the floats are pushed into the Sea and set on fire. So all the work and all the beauty is just for that moment and then gone forever. Every year new floats.

Behind each float is a set of enormous drums. Three or four drums being beat to the rhythm of the Nebuta festival, the whole festival has this rhythm, it is loud and it enters your being. Behind the drums are a dozen or so bamboo flautist, playing the tune of the festival. Behind the flutes are the dancers. They are corralled into a pen, surrounded by a long post in front, ropes along the sides and another post behind them. Sometimes there are dozens sometimes it looked like hundreds of dancers in a section. They have a chant, and a dance, that they all do together, sometimes the crowd joins them. Little Lily was enjoying this so much she was dancing the entire parade. This set up, float, drums, flutes, dancers is then repeated and repeated it seemed like more than 20 by my estimation. So I sat in the cool evening breeze and was amazingly entertained. I will so miss Japan.

I know I make it sound like I am leaving tomorrow, we don't leave until the end of March, I just like to draw it out and savor the goodbyes. Hopefully I will get some more pictures of the festival for you, otherwise go to the link above and see the official website of the Nebuta Festival in English.

Book Club: bookwormsrus

I have just joined my very first book club. I would love it if you would join as well. We are getting started Sept. 1st.

Go to www.xanga.com/bookwormsrus

You will have to create a Xanga account and subscribe to the bookwormsrus book club page. It is FREE.

Journey through the daffodils

The other day Lily and I were walking to our car along a narrow sidewalk. We had just been to the pharmacy to refill my allergy meds. We were meandering at a Lily pace. Behind me a young man was walking at a grown up pace. His quick footsteps came up behind us so fast and he had to abruptly halt, I could feel the swoosh of his sudden appearance. He couldn't slow down and couldn't pass us so he started to shuffle behind us from one foot to the other. He was brushing up against me, pacing back and forth trying to find an opening to get around us. I was walking right next to Lily and I stopped walking in order to let her get a few steps ahead of me. Then I could step behind her and let him pass. When I stopped Lily stopped. I tried to get behind her but the man was so close to me from behind that I couldn't slip behind her. I tried taking her hand and scootching her forward a bit, but she hates to have her hand taken and resisted. I tried stepping to the other side to get out of his way, but as I stepped this way, Lily would step that way, etc. So there I was dancing with a young man and Lily on the sidewalk. I turned and looked him in the eye and said, "excuse me". I picked up Lily and stepped out of his way to let him pass. He gave me a dirty look and rushed past us. The whole encounter lasted less than a minute. I know a whole minute is a long time for busy grown up type persons but geezzz.

I should have held my ground and made him meander behind us along the sidewalk until we got to our car, but his urgent shuffle was driving me crazy. Sometimes I miss the rush in life. Ever since Lily was born I have been forced to slow it all down. It takes us about 15 minutes to walk the 100 yards to the playground. We have to stop and pick the yellow flowers, stop and talk about the grass, we have to hop on one foot and then the other, pick up sticks... For the most part I like this pace of life. It is quite new for me to be a stop and smell the roses type of person. And every once in awhile I miss the urgency and thrill of a speedy existence. Mostly I like it better this way.

What about you? Are you a tailgater? In the car or walking? Do you like to get where you are going as quickly as possible or do you like to enjoy the walk? What is the priority, destination or journey?

Dream sheet

The list of overseas assignments available came out today. For Jeff, there was nothing.

There were two assignments available for a Tech Sgt in May:

Turkey & Portugal

There is a possibility that they would give him one of these positions, Jeff is one rank higher than Tech Sgt, but it is within the realm of possibility so he is going to put those on his dream sheet.

There are two assignments available for a Tech Sgt in February:

*Alaska and *Hawaii

We are scheduled to leave here in March, and asking to leave early is usually answered with a big fat no. Still there is a slight to slim possibility that they would let Jeff do a job slated for a Tech Sgt a month before we are scheduled to leave. So he will put those on the dream sheet too. In order to sweeten the deal and make ourselves more attractive we will ask for an extended long assignment, which is four years.

Finally there are two positions available working at the US embassy in New Delhi, India. One for Tech Sgt and one for Master Sgt. Those positions are outside of Jeff's career field and require special permission. To get one of those positions is hard, but he is applying for both just in case. The India assignments are for two years and yes the family can come.

Otherwise, if everyone says no to us, which is the most likely circumstance we will be returning to the US. Where in the US, that list comes out in October.

So: Portugal, Turkey, Hawaii, Alaska, India, or somewhere in the US.

* the military treats Hawaii and Alaska like overseas assignments

Femme-Nazi

Remember back in the early 90's when Rush Limbaugh would call women femme-Nazis. I would hear that and want very much to be a femme-Nazi. I asked you all how you define feminism, so I will tell you what I think. Thanks by the way, you are all awesome and gave me a lot to think about.

Here in Misawa Jeff and I are great friends with another couple. They are about our age and they are both going to school, like us. I met them in a creative writing class. The husband is taking a math class and his professor was fired two weeks into the class, but kept to finish the term. This professor was horrid and my friend was very frustrated. I have always been great with math. I got 100% of all the points possible in all three semesters of Calculus, and I have tutored in math for more than 20 years. So I helped my friend out and he ended up getting a B. We were going for an A, but a B will do. Back in the day when I was taking math courses in college, I was almost always the only female in the class. It really upset the boys that I would get 100% on the tests because the teacher graded on a curve. My point is that to me math is not a gender specific skill, some people can do it and other cannot.

Back when I was a single mother I had to earn a living for my little family. When Jeff retires from his military career in 6 years I plan on starting a career of my own. The career of my choice is computers. I will have a degree and I expect to start at the bottom and work my way up the ladder. But, I expect to be treated fairly. I expect that my degree, my knowledge will be assessed fairly along with men. I believe that my degree and my experience is equal to the same degree and experience of a man. But, I know that I wont be paid as much or have as many job offers as I would if I were a man. I know this is true and I think it is unfair. I want to do my part to change that fact.

I do not think that men and women are the same. We are different in many ways. But, there are things that are the same to all people and things that are gender specific.

I also believe that women are much stronger and more competent than men, in general. Maybe that is why my friend things I am an extremist. When I got pregnant with Mandy I stepped up to the plate, I raised her, with no help from the father. It is culturally acceptable for men to walk away from kids, but not culturally acceptable for women to walk away from kids. Why is that? Because we all expect women to be able to handle it, but we don't expect men to be able to handle it. If a man does step up and is a great dad, we are impressed. Women we expect it, we find fault. I believe that taking care of a child is not gender specific and that men can be just as nurturing and great with kids as women and we should expect the same out of fathers as we expect out of mothers.

I don't think that men and women are the same. Just that there are things, we all do and can be accomplished with equal skill by either sex. Like jobs and child care.

Have you ever been at a meeting with both men and women, have you ever had an idea that was ignored because you don't have a penis? It is annoying.

History shows that women who try to change the social norms of their society face a lot of resentment and hate. That their lives are made very difficult. So being a feminist even today is hard. People say hateful things and try to make your life difficult, it is hard to be a revolutionary. Even when you are right. This is why being called a feminist is derogatory even though that is exactly what I am, what we all are.

Feminist

Are you a feminist? And what exactly does that mean to you?

I have always considered myself a feminist. The other day a good friend, called me a feminist and made it sound dirty. I was offended. But, I don't really know why, because I am a feminist.

She told me some of the things I say are extreme. I don't know what that means. I am racking my brain to think of what I have said that might be extreme. Is being a feminist mean that you are extreme? Extremely what? Can a stay at home housewife and mother be a feminist? I guess so. Does that make me less of a wife, less of a mother?

Where are you going now?

The next list of jobs available come out Aug 1. We will see if there is anything available for Jeff on the list. If there is we will apply and find out by mid Sept if we are picked up. So next week, the list.

There is a special duty working at the embassy in New Delhi, India available. The deadline for application is mid Aug. The plan is that if there is an overseas assignment on the "list" Jeff wont apply for the job in India. If there is no overseas jobs available Jeff might apply for the job in India, however it is very unlikely that he would get it even if he applied. But, you never know.

There is a part of me that is hoping for the States. Isn't that weird. A part of me that is ready to settle down. August marks Jeff's 14th year in the Air Force. Only six more and he will be retiring. The plan is to travel the world as much as we can up until that retirement. But, if they send us back to the US, well I won't be distraught. I guess I just don't know what I am hoping for. Which may not be such a bad thing since hoping doesn't make it so. I will just concentrate on the things I can control.

Another Day

This has been hell week for me. Yesterday, Jeff called to ask about my day, because he is just like that, and I said, “today is the worst day of my life and I have had a really horrid life.” I do tend to be a tad over dramatic, but still.

Sunday I took Lily shopping, we went to several Japanese stores to get everything we would need to kick potty training in the ass. Our American potty chair was not working, it is terribly uncomfortable. So we got a Hello Kitty Japanese potty chair, it is the bomb. It cost $30 or $35 I forget, blocked it out. That may be a lot of money, but it is so cute and it is so comfortable that Lily will actually sit on it. Score. Sunday and Monday Lily sat on the potty and got familiar with it. We wore panties while at home. She no longer has accidents she just waits for the diaper, that eventually will come at naps, outings or bedtime. The girl can hold it for many hours.

Tuesday morning she woke up with a dry diaper, as she does almost every morning for the last year. I decided – if she can sleep through the night, and she can hold it, and she can take off her own panties, etc. It was time to at least try going for gold. Now I ask you, my dear friends, is a child potty trained when they stop wearing diapers or when they stop having accidents. Because Lily has stopped wearing diapers, as of Tuesday.

Turns out Lily only pees 3-4 times per day. But when she goes, she goes, and goes. We had a lot of accidents on Tuesday as we expected, its all good, part of life. I was terribly frustrated. Not so much at the accidents as with not knowing if I was doing the right thing. I didn’t want to traumatize the poor girl but I did think that perhaps it was time to put a little pressure on her. To take away the diapers.

When Mandy came home from work, I was busy cleaning the house. I tend to go crazy with the cleaning when I am frustrated. Concentrate on what I know I can control, the eliminations of all dirt. Mandy asked if we were having company. Ha, like that is the only time I clean the house. I told her what was going on and she retreated to her room for her afternoon nap. I continued to clean. At about 7PM I convinced Lily to sit on her potty while we put together puzzles on the coffee table. This went on for almost an hour. It was almost time to put her to bed. I wasn’t really sure what to do. Give her the diaper for bed, let her wet the bed, let her stay up until she peed? I am staring off into space trying to figure out what we should do while Lily put together a puzzle.

Just as she was about to insert the last piece of the puzzle into place, she turned the piece around and faced it in the wrong direction, and asked me: “does this go here”. I laughed and said, “no”. In my funny growly voice that she loves. And she laughed and we did that for awhile. She thought it was so funny, but my throat starts to get sore after awhile and I started saying no in a regular voice and then she took over the growly voice. It was so funny. She is a hoot. She may never get the hang of potty training but she sure is cute. She could see that I was having a bad day and made me feel better with her little joke. It was sweet, just like her dad, he does that all the time too. I just noticed sitting there that Lily is amazing. I just love her so much. I love summer time seeing the chubby little legs and feet. Cuddling skin to skin. It is lovely. I love being able to stay home with her everyday and have all those silly in-jokes that we have just between the two of us. We laugh together so much. She is a nut and loves to make up stuff that will get me laughing. Who could ask for more. So she doesn’t go potty in the potty chair, if you said that not wearing diapers makes you potty trained, well then she is potty trained. See.

The very next moment, Lily walked over to her potty sat down and peed. It was about six cups worth of pee, because she had been holding it since about 1pm that afternoon. She looked me in the eye and said, I peed in the potty. She got a sticker on the had and went to bed in her panties. Today is Friday and we are doing pretty good. Yesterday, was a bad day, but after I told Jeff it was the worst day of my life, she actually pooped in the potty. She does great at night and does great during the day, if I stay home until she chooses to go. Sometimes she holds it until 11 and she gets up at 5:30. What a nut. She is so out of sorts with the worry of it all and the change, but she is still my angel and takes the time to make me laugh. Another day in the life of a stay at home mom in Japan.

Moderation

This morning at the gym I was thinking about moderation. I can remember as a child that my parents told me,

all things in moderation

However, they also told me,

if you aren't going to do it right, don't do it at all.

I have tended for most of my life to be a all or nothing kind of person.

When I began my quest for fitness, my first few weeks of exercise were very painful. I could barely make it through 15 minutes on the elliptical trainer. I would be breathing heavily, sweating profusely, seeing stars, etc. And this was going slowly on the lowest setting. Every trip to the gym, was painful. Yet, I perservered. I kept going. After awhile the pain, sweating, heavy breathing, seeing stars began to subside. Now, I can workout for thirty minutes without all the drama.

I find that on the days that I exercise with moderation I go home feeling great. I get that exercise high. I enjoy my time at the gym. But, I don't increase my level of fitness. When I work out to excess, past the point of comfort, I go home feeling like crap, but the next day - I am stronger. Pushing myself past the limits of a moderate session of exercise hurting, sweating, seeing stars, falling to the floor in exhaustion, causes my body to overcome and adapt. Pushing myself just to the point of raising my heart rate to the aerobic levels, where I can still hold a conversation and where I can get that exercise high, go home and feel great - at this rate my level of fitness remains steady.

I do wish to increase my level of fitness, to be able to run faster, harder, longer. So for me I feel that a combination of moderate exercise and super exercise sessions is the right fit.

I think the rest of my life like how I approach parenting, school, housework, cooking - is a lot like how I approach exercise. Sometimes I just do what I have to do to get by at a moderate pace. At those times, I am not perfect or a superstar, but I am happy and my days holds very little stress. On the other hand there are times when I want to really give something my all and to feel a real sense of accomplishment, to be great. Being great causes a lot of stress, turmoil and pain - but ain't it great? Greatness in moderation.

Guilt

Mandy was born when I was 21, a very immature 21, single and working as a cashier. I got a lot of grief, but ultimately I decided to be the best mother I could be. For the first 9 and a ½ years of her life it was just the two of us. Us against the world. We did live with my parents for a little over a year when she was about 5. This gave me the opportunity to get on my feet, which was awesome. But, other than that Mandy and I were pretty isolated. Most of her life everyone told me we were too close. And then, I married Jeff.

We moved to Italy where he was stationed and that was that. It came about quickly. We didn’t take very many of our possessions with us. To recap when Mandy was almost 10 I took her out of her home, left behind most of her things, and moved to Italy with some guy she barely knew. It freaked her out a bit. But, the story gets better. About a year later Jeff and I decided we were ready to expand our family. And we got pregnant.

I was already worried about Mandy, she hadn’t recovered from being uprooted yet. Jeff and Mandy at that time could barley stand to be in the same room together. When I found out I was pregnant the first thing I did was tell Mandy. We went out and bought books about the babies development, you know the ones that say: today the eye lashes are growing. Then we bought the baby an outfit to wear home from the hospital. I wanted to make sure Mandy felt a part of the growing family. And then… I had a miscarriage. I felt horrid for involving Mandy. And that miscarriage was very hard on both me and Mandy. She fell apart and that made it worse for me, knowing I had hurt her so badly. I went on to have a couple more miscarriages before we got Little Miss Lily but those I did not share with Mandy.

Even being pregnant with Lily was difficult for me, I was so scared of loosing her that I didn’t want to allow myself to be happy about the pregnancy and consequently I was the most horrid person. Most days I didn’t even get out of bed, except to throw up. During the pregnancy we moved from Italy to Japan. What I am trying to say here is that the first few years of my marriage were difficult, both for me and for Mandy. Of course Jeff is amazing and we made it to a place where we are all close, Jeff adopted Mandy and those two get along great. For the longest time I felt very awful for doing all this to Mandy. I felt guilty for being happily married at her expense. All of the crap I put her through so I could be with Jeff. I told myself it was good for her, but I didn’t really completely believe that. I have always believed that parents should put their kids first, and being selfish made me feel so bad.

This last week has been very difficult for me. Mandy is working at the hospital for her summer job. She is working in labor and delivery where the babies are born. There was a baby who didn’t make it this week. Mandy told me about it. It brought back to me how badly I felt for putting her through the miscarriage after moving her away from everything she ever knew to Italy. The next day I made sure I was there to pick her up from work, in case she needed me. She didn’t. This whole week I have been on the verge of tears, worried about Mandy, remember our loss. But, Mandy is alright. This incident didn’t devastate her. I notice how different she is today than she was back then. Mandy is confident, outgoing, funny. She no longer clings to me, she actually barley acknowledges my existence most of the time.

Over these last few years I have learned that taking care of momma is taking care of Mandy. The fact that I am happy and we have a great home is important. So we had to go through so crap, everyone goes through crap. I made a lot of mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. I think that I have learned that either, kids will be who they are going to be no matter what we do – or it isn’t just one decision that makes or breaks the kids it is the sum of everything, everyday that makes the difference. I am going to have to pull myself together, it is almost the weekend.

Happy Birthday Lily