Bones.

Lily has become fascinated by bones. I am more than likely to blame. She had a classmate who broke a leg. Later she hurt her leg and asked me a lot of questions basically wanting to know why she didn't get a cast too.

Months and months later she is still asking me about bones. Pretty much everyday she asks me a question or two about bones. I even considered getting a skeleton model for Lily for her birthday present. I couldn't bring myself to do it and got her barbies and junk like that instead. One time when she was facinated by time I got her a watch for Christmas. I gave her the watch at a Christmas party as the gift from Santa. She was really upset that Santa gave her a dumb watch instead of toys like the other kids. So I got her regular girly stuff for the birthday and I am doing the wacky educational stuff outside of the birthday / Christmas presents.

Recently we went to the library and we got every reference book we could get our hands on about bones. She begs me to read her these books all day long. We are having a blast learning all about the human body. She really likes the immune system too, there are cool pictures of antibodies attacking germs. I posted this to facebook and the next day one of my friends brought me books and a skeleton of the spinal cord. Her husband is a Physicians Assistant and had all kinds of medical stuff lying around their house. I was really excited. We were both volunteering at the first day of school breakfast for Kindergarten moms. We were trying to coerse them into devoting all their free time to the school like we do. They probably think we are nuts, skeletons and hugging? Kinda weird.

I was thinking of going to a radiologist and begging to see some xrays. Lily really wants to see some xrays. The letter X and bones. It is our current mission in life to see an xray. Preferably with a real broken bone. Maybe we will bring cookies. What do you think? Do you think we can coerce someone into letting us see a real xray?

Daddy Magic

Yesterday, after swim lessons Lily and I were on our way to the gym. I cannot remember the reason but we got in a huge fight. She was being awful. She was saying mean things and wouldn't stop. When we arrived at the gym, as we got out of the car her face was covered in tears.

We had to walk right past the building where Jeff works to get to the gym. I always park next to his truck but I usually don't stop it and say hello. But, yesterday I did stop it. I looked horrible. Jeff works with a lot of beautiful women who are always very put together. I was in sweats, no shower, probably left over makeup under my eyes, hair a disaster...

The second we walked in the door, Jeff was standing right in the lobby with all the pretty girls. Lily saw her daddy and her mood instantly changed. She went from being so upset she couldn't stop sobbing to being as happy as you please. I mean instantly like a light switch. She is daddy's little girl. Although I am not allowed to call her little anymore. Might have even been the reason she was mad at me. Who knows.

Lily and I are so close. We are peas in a pod. We mostly get along great. But, when we both get upset at the same time it is a problem. Neither of us likes to back down. Anyways, Jeff has such an effect on her. She always lights up full of such joy whenever she is around her daddy.

Great medicine. We went on to the gym and had a great work out. I still hurt. By the time we were walking back to the car she was again upset with me about something. I guess the daddy magic only lasts so long. So glad they are so close. I actually feel that way around Jeff too. He gives off happy vibes like a drug. I don't know what to call it, he is just nice to be around.

Fort Wayne and Chicago

Our trip continued after Memphis to Fort Wayne, Indiana. Mandy and I were living there when I met Jeff. He was stationed in Italy at the time. We even got married in Fort Wayne. We visited a few friends, saw our old stomping grounds, spent a day at the zoo, etc.

The rest of the photos here are from the next stop on our road trip which was Chicago. It was raining the day we arrived and again the day we left, however to day we spent walking around seeing Chicago was absolutely gorgeous. I Hope you enjoy the pictures.

Looking through all of these shots brings back memories of the day. We had such a great trip. I enjoyed the time spent with my family. We were in a small car or small hotel room for about 10 days. It was fun.

I try not to think about the fact that Amanda is 18 and bound to leave home and spend less time with us eventually. Or the fact that Jeff will be deployed for six months. Did I tell you that he is also been chosen to go to the Senior NCO Academy in October? Which means he will be gone for October and November - come home - leave toward the end of December - not come home until early July. Plus he has to go away to get training for his deployment, I guess that will occur sometime between now and October. Been nice knowing you hun.

Seriously though we are going to be fine. I have a lot of great friends and a busy school year planned. I am on a ton of committees for school and the American Cancer Society. So hopefully I will see people and not become a hermit.

What all that has to do with Chicago and Fort Wayne, who knows. I think what I was going for is that our time together was tinged with the thought that we would soon be apart and we were all extra sweet and extra patient.

Memphis on the 4th of July

On our road trip to a wedding in Wisconsin we decided to make a few stops along the way, the first one being Memphis on the 4th of July. We arrived in the early afternoon, we stayed right downtown in a lovely hotel. It was across the street from the Peabody, but alas we didn't stay in the Peabody. We did walk threw the loby and wow!

We spent the afternoon wandering the streets. We discoverd a lovely theater which was showing the play Wicked. We tried to get tickets but they were sold out. They told us about a lottery to get tickets. We had to show up two hours before a show and sign up and 20 tickets be available if your name is pulled, well two per name pulled. The first time we tried our name wasn't pulled. There was a lady who was very upset because all the names pulled were people who were the last ones in line to sign up at the lottery. Upon closer inspection it appeared as if the upset screaming woman was correct. So, for the next show we came late to the lottery and we were the last ones to put our names in the mix. And yes, we were chosen, yeah.

Mandy and I got dressed up and saw the most amazing play, Wicked while we were passing through Memphis. I am going to go out and read the book now too. If you get the chance you should see this performance it was WICKED! Totally ok for kids to see too!




We noticed in Memphis that no one walks the streets during the day. But, about 5PM the streets are alive. We went down to the water front (Mississippi River) to see the fireworks. We waited about 30 minutes after they were scheduled to begin. The crowd was getting restless, and when I say restless I mean, starting fires in the crowd that were at least 12 feet high and throwing fire works at strangers in the crowd. It seemed less than fun to continue to stay so we started walking back to our hotel. Lily doesn't like crowds and neither do I for that matter and it was a scary crowd. As we walked back to our hotel we could hear the thunder of the cannons and sometimes we caught glimpses of fireworks from between the buildings. I regret not staying a little, but sometimes it is better to be safe than sorry especially with a little one.

We also sampled the ribs had some fun shopping. Memphis was fun, but I am not so sure I would want to go back with kids. I guess it would have been better if we did Graceland and the zoo - Aquarium stuff??

Are Girls Sillier Than Boys?

We woke up yesterday morning and before I even saw Lily I could hear her in her room celebrating the fact that it was finally JULY. Before we even said good morning to one another Lily asked me, do you know what today is? I answered, only the first day of the best month ever. And then I put my hands above my head and threw my head back and made a sound like that of an audience roaring their applause in the background. Imitating a rock star after their final set. Lily liked that image and continued to ask me do I know what today is for the rest of the day. No matter what I was doing I would, answer my answer and do my rock star initiation.

Having a July birthday meant that Lily was the very last one in her class to turn 6. She has been waiting all year as the other kids got to have parties and turn six. Now it is finally here, the month she will turn six. We are also going on vacation this month and she is really excited about that. But, it is all about the turning six - that is two hands baby!

As we were being really silly all day about the fact that it is July, I remember the comment my friend made just the day before. We were at the pool with a friend and her son is SEVEN - wow he is OLD - and she told him at one point that girls are just silly. I heard this comment and I hadn't actually seen what Lily did to illicit such a remark. I was shocked to think that boys are not silly. I asked her and her son about this. I tried to think of all the silly things we do. And there is a lot. And they continuously shook their heads. No, they do not partake in that type of fun.

No, make believe noises. No, pretending to be on the moon and trying to walk in bounding type ways. No, talking in silly voices. No, turning up Van Halen really loud and trying to jump like a rock star. No, bouts of giggles. I have never been the mom of a boy but is it really true? Are boys not silly? Is being silly not something that boys do? How weird. Maybe it is just my friend and her boy. I am trying to wrap my mind around this. It does seem like Jeff just shakes his head at our silliness. But, I married him because he is a nut. He used to do Austin Powers imitations and being a total goofball. Isn't being a goofball the same as being silly?

Maybe some people like to be cool and some people like to be silly. I think it is good when silly people are friends with cool people because they offset each other. But, I never thought of silly and cool being based on gender. Like boys are cool. Girls are silly. What do you guys think are boys silly? Do your little boys like to be silly? Do you think girls are sillier than boys?

goodbye to Daisy

They have decided to send Jeff away to the Senior NCO Academy for six weeks from the beginning of October until the end of November. I have no idea who they is. Meaning, he will be gone for most of Oct and Nov, come home for most of December and then leave again for six months. What is up with all these sixes? Six weeks, six months, ...

I am actually not yet disturbed by the news. I am choosing not to think about it. I am not going to think about it at all until he is home next summer. Next year this time it will be nearly over. Jeff keeps watching me and waiting for me to fall apart, not going to happen.

Speaking of falling apart, we had to put the cat to sleep. It was very hard to know when the time was. We chose sooner rather than later. She wasn't on death's door quite yet. The thought of waiting for her to be miserable broke my heart. It seemed to us that she was not herself. We went to several vets and even saw the tumor in her mouth ourselves. It was also growing in her head and who knows how much that hurt. We tried some kitty chemo type pills and that had no effect. So we decided to let her go before she got even more miserable. She was spending all her time hiding and not really eating very much anymore.

It was quite an ordeal too. We picked a day. Jeff decided to be the one to take her there. We told the girls a few days before so they had a chance to say goodbye. There was a lot of cat holding and crying. Then when the morning came, we could not find the cat. She had chosen a different closet to hide in the back of. I had gotten a hat out of the entry way closet and I guess she snuck in there while I was looking for the hat. We looked and looked, the appointment time came and went. Later we heard her crying and found her in the closet.

The vet said we could call and make another appt when we found her so Jeff called and got a new time in the afternoon. Stupid me, as Mandy was about to leave the house for work I told her we got a new appt and she needed to say goodbye before she left for work. Even though she had been saying goodbye for days, and even got up to say goodbye that morning, she broke down. She was just inconsolable and was even late to work. It was awful, I felt so bad. I shouldn't have done that. Sometimes my brain doesn't work.

Jeff took the cat to the doctor and had to wait alone with Daisy in the room, waiting for the doctor for 5 or 10 minutes, that was hard. So the deed was done and we all had a hard time. Lily and I sometimes think we hear Daisy scratching at the door. Or we see her out of the corner of our eye. Lily talks about it a lot which drives Jeff crazy.

We miss our big fat cat.

I Am 40 Now

My 40th birthday has come and gone. I was so busy with Mandy's graduation and company that I hardly had a moment to give that milestone a second thought. I didn't have the opportunity to ponder my life; am I happy, am I old, am I where I want to be, how can I improve? Probably better not to dwell.

I do know that I have never been happier. Every decade life seems to improve by leaps and bounds. Hope that continues.

This summer I am very busy with work. I work from home on the computer. When my job starts to take more than say 6 hours per day I have trouble spending time doing other things on the computer. I think 6 hours is my limit. I have also become addicted to facebook games and my poor dear blog has suffered. I miss all of you though. So hello, again.

For a while I was considering going back to college this fall and finally getting a degree. I decided to change my degree path yet again and go back to my original goal of becoming a high school math teacher. I was very excited, I applied and was excepted. However, these past few months I have been incredibly busy with work and life and I got to thinking. How in the world am I going to be able to fit school into my schedule. I was also thinking about Jeff's deployment and how that taxes me. I decided to cut back on as much as possible while he is gone in order that I might be half way civil to my kids. I have the worst habit of being horrible to the girls when I am overly stressed. My dear sweet girls are very stubborn and are ALWAYS fighting me and testing me on every thing every day. I strive for a balance of disciple, consistency, and my love of spoiling those dear sweet girls. I tend to fly off the handle at their ungratefulness when I am over my limits. They are ungrateful at times but I want to steer them toward being sweeter by example rather than by screaming criticisms. Strive is the best I can seem to accomplish at times.

I am rather proud to say that my girls are very kind, to people other than their mother. Ha. Both have been showing some good manners on occasion, enough to make me want to weep. I am near to giving up my dream of a degree entirely. Still there is just a glimmer of the dream left in me. Don't feel bad for me. I am the happiest person on earth. I have a lot, just at times I miss a sense of accomplishment. Not that raising two beautiful girls is not an accomplishment. But, the little girl in me still wants to rule the world. Weird but true.

So how are y'all doing? Enjoying the summer?

We are keeping busy with swim lessons and a lot of lazy afternoons in front of the tv while I do my work. I try to throw in some educational stuff for Lily to keep busy. But, honestly it is mostly tv. Trying to find a new path, a rhythm or schedule that is fun and keeps the tv to a minimum. Lucky for me Lily doesn't like tv very much and usually turns it off and goes off in the backyard to play. Yesterday, she cried for hours because she was on a trip to a hotel. She moved all her stuff to the garage. She said goodbye, that she would be away for three weeks. We kissed goodbye. Then when she found out she couldn't actually eat her dinner, take her bath, and sleep in our garage she was very upset. Upset doesn't actually cover how mad she was. She cried so much she fell asleep and then woke up two hours later, after a moment she remembered how upset she was with me, and started the crying again. I was ready to move into the garage myself. Poor Lily, no one understands her.

I think you are all caught up. Except about the family visit and graduation and Mandy. That will all have to wait for another day.

Hello Again Blogging Friends

Several people have told me this week that I need to learn how to say no. I don't think I have a problem saying no. I just have a lot of stuff that I really want to do, and then a bunch of crap I don't really want to do but cannot get out of - like work, cleaning house, cooking...

This week has been something else. Jeff has been in San Antonio and no help at all. Our phone conversations have not been fun. I think mostly because I found out he is going to be deployed in December, this time for sure, for six months. Not sure if I am allowed to say where on a blog.

This was also the last week of Kindergarten for Lily. There were so many fun things to do, I couldn't' resist. One of my friends heard me offering to bring something to the Friday last day of school party while we were at the Thursday picnic in the playground party and knowing how much I had to get done she scolded me about volunteering too much. However, in comparison to cleaning the house for my parents and mother in laws imminent arrival going to a kindergarten party with donuts sounded way more fun. I am almost done cleaning, they are arriving in less than twelve hours. Jeff is coming home in less than four hours. I don't know how much time I will have for cleaning once I start driving. Picking up him and then them...

One of my friends is moving away. I tried to spend as much time as possible with her this week also. At her going away breakfast after our walk, this is my friend who walks with me twice a week and is in better shape so she pushes me to the limit. I will miss that, but mostly I will miss her. She is an amazing person. Her husband deployed she takes on girl scouts, and all kinds of school volunteering, church volunteering, etc. However, she doesn't ever complain. She is a solutions oriented person who always has a kind word and sympathetic ear. I love her. We spent the early part of the week looking for the perfect going away gift. Another friend and I had so much fun shopping in all the quaint little shops around town. We found a fabulous charm bracelet that we fell in love with that was the perfect price. We found all kinds of charms that reminded us of the local charm and Mary. However, when we went to pay they didn't have Mary's size in stock, only one that was twice as expensive. We checked back everyday until they finally got it in stock. That was last week, this week we were getting scared that the bracelet would never arrive. Mandy was out of school, her last day was last Friday, and she still doesn't have her license. I had planned to spend the week making her drive around town. So Monday I had Mandy drive me here there and everywhere while we searched for an affordable not made of plastic bracelet that was the correct size. However, we never found it. Then the original shop finally got the bracelet in stock and I stopped by there on the way home from chaperoning a water fun day for Kindergarten, that was Tuesday. Score.

I better wrap this up without an end. Lily is screaming at me for not paying attention to her for more than 30 seconds and I have a house to clean and a job to do. Just wanted to say hello.

All Over The Place

My parents and Jeff's mom are all coming to Mississppi to see Mandy graduate from high school and to spend some time with us at the end of May. I am trying to come up with a plan so that their vacation here is fantastic. Of course no one has opinions they all want me to come up with the plans, and when I do no one likes my ideas.

When Jeff picks up his mom from the airport he wants to pull into the driveway of the biggest mansion in our area and tell her, we are here mom. Then tell her to get back in the car before she gets arrested. Jeff tells it better. He is so excited.

I have a friend coming over to go walking with me, then I am stuffing envelopes for the PTO, doing my job, making reservations... The end of the school year is wild and crazy. I was putting everything on the calendar last night and it was all a bit much. Glad we decided not to do any extra activities this year. However, next year we are hoping to get into Girl Scouts.

So this post has meandered all over the place. This is my mind. All over the place.

Funny, ha, ha

Right before I met Jeff he saw a stand up performance by Chris Rock where Chris Rock says something to the effect that he would never hit a woman but he would shake the hell out of her. When we first me Jeff told me about that Chris Rock routine and Jeff could quote it verbatem and it was hilarious. I laughed and laughed. He told that a lot, it was his bit.

Now years later I guess he is still doing that bit, but he doesn't really remember all of it. I think he just says I would never hit my wife but I would shake the hell out of her. He told his co-workers, who all happen to be well educated women, about the Chris Rock bit. Later he said it about me, he was trying to be funny but they all just stared at him.

Jeff was telling me about this awkward moment. It made me laugh so hard. I mean I couldn't stop laughing and we were in a restaurant, people were looking at me but I couldn't stop. It was so funny. As I was laughing and Jeff was beaming from having his bit work, I think I understand why people say we are perfect for each other.

I mean when people say that I always think to myself, what does that mean? Does that mean we are both retarded and lucky we found each other or what? But, we do sort of fit.

Jeff is a really nice person. I mean he tries very hard to be very conscientious of other people's feelings. He doesn't even complain or criticise, he gets quiet and you have to pull it out of him, but the thought of him getting all riled up and shaking the shit out of me cracks me up. Then the thought of a room full of women upset with him for being mean or a bully is even funnier!

Receptive and Expressive Language Delay

I wrote here back in the fall that Lily's kindergarten teacher believed that she had something called a receptive and expressive language delay. I agreed with that assessment and was happy to have a name for what I had noticed about Lily. I feel that I have a similar way of perceiving the world and that I completely understand. My perception is that for Lily and sometimes for me the world of language is difficult. For example depending on your skills I would ask, Have you ever listened to a poem and known every word spoken individually but had no idea what was said? But, listened a few more times took some time to concentrate and finally started to understand what the poem was saying. Or the same can be asked about an algebra problem or geometry. Right we have all been in situations where we had to really focus to understand the concepts being told. Where any noise in the room or stray thought could distract us and make the comprehension diminish. This is how Lily feels all the time. While she is capable of hearing and understanding every word spoken to her is difficult to get into her brain, it takes a lot of effort on her part.

The plan was for Lily's teacher to have the speech therapist evaluate Lily. Which happened and the speech therapist said she completely agreed with the teacher because Lily was asked questions and her answers did not match what was being asked. Like she would be asked what she was doing and she would answer about the weather. The teacher said that this would be passed on to the lead teacher who would schedule an appointment for the teacher, parent, speech therapist, and lead teacher to get together and map out a plan.

I never heard back. Finally when I got the first report card after half the year was over I scheduled a conference with the teacher. Meanwhile, Lily was doing great in school and on the standardized tests. I talked to the teacher and she said that Lily is not eligible to meet with the speech therapist or head teacher or to get a plan because her receptive language delay is not interfering with her academically. She then went on to tell me all kinds of things that have happened that indicate to her that Lily is still having the same difficulties in class.

I was upset to say the least. I feel like my kid is being punished because I am an involved parent who works with her at home. I feel that she should be allowed to have the highly paid, highly educated experts take a look at her situation and give us some guidance. I am doing my best but some expertise might make a huge difference in Lily's development. I am not asking for her to be pulled out of class on a daily basis and privately tutored, I am asking for a meeting, for some input. But, no at Lily's school you have to be failing to be eligible for help. Even if you have a learning disability and there are people in the building specially trained in this stuff they wont even speak to me unless she is failing. Am I the only one who thinks this is a bunch of crap?

Lily's teacher is great, most of the time. She tells me when Lily is struggling with something and I work with her at home. She often times doesn't understand the instructions and I have to explain it at home. I guess I am finding a way to get into her head because so far I have been able to help her understand things that she fails to understand at school. One time her teacher pulled her ear and told her to use her ears and listen. Which upsets me because that seems unfair when it is so much harder for Lily to listen than it is for the other children. I called her and spoke to her about the ear thing, Lily says her ear was pulled the teacher said it was touched, either way I didn't like it. I didn't say that but having made the phone call meant it didn't happen again.

Lily's school work often comes home with the words, follow directions or listen to your directions written on the paper. Lily asked me one time if it was ok if she tears up those papers and throws them away. I said yes. We go over the directions and recreate the page and she does it the way the teacher wanted but the paper with the mean words Lily tears it up. She then wads it up and then we take turns stomping on the paper and throw it away. Lily likes that. She hates being corrected. She gets corrected all the time because she mostly doesn't hear the instructions. So, I let her take out her frustrations at home.

So, why is Lily doing so well academically and on the standardized tests if she has a receptive and expressive language delay? Because she is brilliant? Just kidding. She really has a strong desire to do well. She is very motivated. I am not really sure that I instilled that motivation in her. I encourage that motivation and reward that motivation with a lot of praise but she has that in her. IF a child doesn't have the internal motivation to want to do well in school I don't know how you would put it there.

Working with her I try to be there for her, to encourage and to explain things in non-verbal ways as much as possible. I let her explain it back to me. I take the time to listen to her. I think that hearing how her mind is working helps me to be able to fit the missing pieces into her head in a way that she can understand. I have her draw me pictures of the classroom or playground when she is trying to explain things to me.

The number one most important piece of advice I can give is to focus on the strengths. If a child loves something and is interested in something focus almost all the attention on that and just do enough to get by on the areas where they are struggling. I know that sounds exactly the opposite but it facilitates the love of learning and their interests change. It also helps to not build up a hate or frustration.

Any receptive and expressive language advice out there?

Relay for Life

We all had a great time at the relay.

I baked, and baked for the bake sale, so did all my friends. There wasn't the turn out we expected and we ended up with a lot of left over goodies. Which was a disappointment.

The relay was supposed to go from 5pm until 5am on Friday. Jeff arrived at the venue around 8am. He called me around 10:30am to join him for lunch. I ended up getting a lot of phone calls, I tried to get the last sheet of cookies baked from the batch I was working on, I took a shower and I didn't end up getting to the field until after 11am. Not bad I thought. By then Jeff was busy with other things and instead of going to grab a quick lunch he put me to work. I was kneeling in the field putting up the cancer eduction signs and ended up getting a stinging rash on my legs from something I knelt in, I also got a sunburn. Then we got lunch. I didn't get home until almost two and therefore didn't end up baking any more cookies. Which is good since I didn't sell half of what I had already baked.

I then drove around delivering t-shirts to my team. Got home just in time to get Lily from the bus. She had spent the day outside for field day. She was covered in bug spray, sun tan lotion, sweat and a sunburn. I decided what she needed was a bath. I felt it would be more comfortable for her to spend the night outside if she wasn't all itchy and gross the whole time. She was not amused. This was not a part of the plan. We had discussed the plan for weeks and she was furious with me that I was giving her an unscheduled bath and we were leaving an hour late. I also made her eat a good meal. We made it to the relay by 4pm. Lily was clean, re-sprayed with bug spray and had a belly full of nutritious food. She spent the rest of the night eating pizza, hot dogs, cookies, brownies, cupcakes and I don't even know what else.

My friends came out and stayed for hours and hours. Everyone put an enormous amount of effort into the event. We had so much fun together. It was a swirl of activity and it was 5am before I had a chance to blink.

Lily slept from around 9:30 until 11 or so, and then she was up for the rest of the night. She must have ran 10 miles. She just kept running and having a blast. She won a whistle at one of the game booths and blew that thing all night. Drove loads of people mad, they complained about the whistle a lot. She would get upset when I asked her to stop. Mostly I thought that with the loud music and general loudness of the event that a whistle added to the overall party atmosphere and mostly I let her blow it to her hearts content. There were other types of noise makers as well.

At the end the three of us, Jeff, Lily and I carried our baton and our sign around the track together. It was fun.

I saw girls there who were not much bigger than our Lily and they were wearing the purple t-shirt indicating that they were cancer survivors. Lily was walking and talking with the girls, I was behind them a bit. I just tear up at the moment to see Lily so full of health and life running around a track until 5am. I cannot imagine how it would be to endure having a child sick with cancer. So glad to see those two girls full of health and vigor at the event. This is why I relay - I love to see so many survivors and I want to contribute to more people having a good outcome.

During this journey to the relay, the months of meetings and emails that brought us to the night, I met so many wonderful people. Cancer survivors and others like me who have been touched by cancer via family members. So many of these folks work so hard and with such grace. There are the frustrations and the complainers but overall I witnessed the most amazing bits of human spirit during this journey. I hope to learn to be less of a complainer and more of a -I don't know what to call it - a person who works hard toward a goal and lets it all just roll off their back with a great attitude and never sweats the small stuff.

If you ever are lonely I recommend volunteering, you meet the best people and your outlook on the world is forever changed.